Everyone needs a letter

I wonder on how I manage myself to live with my mismanaged brain
I feel it like a bush
I wonder what happens inside
Surely some times it is a mess
But at times it can surpass all the nonsense and caress me
When it starts to express
It reminds me I am over expecting for the Brain I have
Then, I laugh
Wasn't you who knew to write pages and pages beautifully
How can I forget the 28 yrs of pleasant memories that you created
I fear sometimes of my life
Do you fear to?
I think you never are afraid
Its just me who always try to melt you my way
Stay strong as you are
You are the best
and my sweetest

A letter to my Brain!

Candy

I realize these days that memories are hard and I figured out to make as less as possible. I do not want to leave any of memories for people around me. It sounds so funny to me even and I learnt that it is not possible at all, as memories are tied with normal behavior too.

I feel my college life has just finished sometimes, as the memories are fresh in mind. The first day I joined masters in Bangalore, the way I felt about the city is so fresh in mind. The rainy days from the bunker bed were all so gloomy and made me miss my home. I then walk to the nearest telephone booth and call home with tears in eyes, though never told them I was crying. The solitary time I spent just walking nearby shop to buy egg puff and coming back home thinking of when I should go back again home. The feeling of missing people was so strong in my life. I realize that is why it took me ages to forget people. That is when I decided at a later part, may be I should call it second phase of life, with out any doubt, not to miss people. Just live in that moment.

But then, If I regret one thing most in life is, going to Bangalore to study. Though the college feeling was nice, I generally try to avoid those thoughts, mostly trying to forget them.

On last Friday, we friends at office went to the candy making shop and a man came to us and gave the sample candies. I was wondered that inside each candy there are the names written, like Brazil, Spain, girl etc. After eating half candy, when you check it, it still has the name in it. I dunno how they make it. And yeah main thing is I got the candy named "dad". I was so happy for a minute. The logical mind shut for a minute and I thought there is some meaning for me to get the 'dad' candy. I wonder in what little things I am trying to find happiness about them. It's ok I guess.

Bored..a new way to think

I sound so opportunistic when I write the title. I rather think it was just outburst of my thoughts. While I researched a bit and mixed it with my thoughts it turned out, boredom is good for a person. It will create a desire to do something. The more long a person is bored the more long are his thoughts in process. Don't just ask them to do something what u want them to do or just suggest a short cut to engage them, rather try to create interest in them. I always disagree when some asks me, are u bored. I don't consider I am bored. I think I got some free time and just think quiet. But here is the catch. If u just sit for long time idle, without social interactions, there are high chances u get something called loneliness. It has nothing to do with boredom.

Boredom creates desire to do something while loneliness requires some attention from people or may be it just needs someone around. While people mix up both these things and live in disappointment, I suggest to enjoy boredom. It opens new hopes and interests.  Don't just check your phones when the thought of boredom comes. As children my parents never engaged us all the time, while recently I see many parents very disappointed when thy cannot engage there kids. It's ok for them to be bored.

life is better today

I met the other day four of my bachelor college mates. After roughly 10 years...we were all bench mates. Another one was missing from the first bench.  Most of them were married. They were happy seeing each other. I suddenly caught their expressions while talking through something. ..like "is this bindu...is this siri..the same one from college". We sat in the first bench, for three continous years and heard, read and wrote hundreds of exams. They still see as the first ranker. When they realised I m just as normal as anyone, they had a bit of surprise on their nostalgic faces, they laughed at all the jokes I made, just like the old days. I remembered how dominating I was, and tried to understand why such feeling left a bit of guilt in me at that minute, seeing them un changed. I always feel I should have been better with people. I consoled myself that it is rather than guilt, I changed as a better person now and am able to reconsider those days when I was tough.  I remember exchanging my notebooks with them so often and the girl who's marriage I attended always shouted at me for tearing the pages in the books. I always smiled but never said why I tear the pages.  Back then my life was different. I suddenly think if all those things happened in a different life. I recalled the lines of Rusking bond. ..I might have stopped loving you, but I will never stop loving the days of loving you. I know how much these lines are meant for each and every soul. Ruskin bond again is someone like Rabindranath Tagore for me. Someone so close to nature and villages and little creatures.  I feel they have thoughts similar to me, and always felt if I could express so easily like them. They have never failed to inspire me at any point. I do not want to forget the author of Green well years. Books ought to be like that. All these people will not let me read a page in a stretch.  I always keep the open book on my chest and go into thoughts after each paragraph. I come back only to go back again. Sugar street book though is a sad one, the lines are power. Literature is a beautiful thing. The more I appreciate it, the more fearful it makes me, for that I know less of it to use while writing. I fear to remain with thoughts while my feelings doesnt know to hide in those complex words. One or two words reside in themselves more than a long page.

I see my sister running into sleep, to start her day early tomorrow. Relations are tender and always needed to be taken care of in a gentler way. That is one lesson I learnt after parents. In a week I would be in a different country and miss seeing her beside me.

Today while I was coming back from a friends place I stopped at mangoes shop and actively asked for all variety of mangoes. I sounded so funny and was laughing inside thinking of my new born or long back dead interests on seeing varieties of fruits. I took fruits for the whole week and was happy thinking of eating those mangoes everyday. I also thought how nice it would be if I gift a basket of these on my sister's friend wedding.  He seemed to be important somehow, he drove for us immediately after we heard about mother's death. But then the idea of sending mangoes did sounded funny, however I meant to say I found that minute what could be better than mangoes in this world.

I seem to be writing more today, in this midnight, I feel like writing about the village and my small brothers slowly growing older and going to college soon. One of them is in town now and I planned to show him the city tomorrow. I had to chose something inspiring for him. His name is vamsi and he still looks like the small boy whom I carried in my arms all his childhood.

While I miss my home and husband back in malaysia, I am trying to enjoy last few days of stay in hyderabad. When I think of next Monday I am totally looking forward to meet the person whom I can just have stable life with. Life has been better for me.

Jasmine nights

While I was working at IISc, my favorite thing to do is cycling and having tea at I forgot the name right now. Scientists inspired me so less in no time and I always was seen as sometime not bound to that place, but people did trust me that I am born for something else. Never mind what people think,  I actually remembered after office time. Once I reach close to my hostel, I felt everyday to eat a bread omlet and tea. With less money those days, that was the cheapest and my favorite thing before starting my part time job. Sometimes when the work is more in both the jobs, I used to cheer up myself with small chicken tikka biryani from a nearby and another favorite place of mine.  It was 40 rupees and I always craved for a larger one. Even now I remember the sense for happiness those little things have given me.

A few days back at my in laws place, in the middle of an afternoon it started raining. ..I think we cal them hay stones, they were the size of walnut and were falling sharply from the sky.  For a while all the people around me were happy, kids jumping,  I was also happy, though my mind wandered around my village and rainy days, it was happy. I suddenly felt, there is so much happiness in so much sadness among people. Life less known is more peaceful.

I dreamt last morning that, my sister saved me, while I was drowning in an ocean. I was being very nice to her in the morning.

I am recently stuck in 29 level of candy crush, I read cheat sheets, trick and tips, nothing is helping..I almost played 200 times same level. The game surprisingly gives me breaks..saying u r not allowed to play for next 20 mins.. but then it is addicting.

Flowers
Fragile flowers of my garden
While they named you jasmine
I saw you smiling at me, like you are mine
I walked with my phone in front of you
Where you playing with me sending some bubbles of your smell
They reached me, dont you worry I didnt notice you
After dinner, I came to you
In the dark night, in the moonlight,  between those green leaves, you were hiding with all those new born magical smell of yours
I pluck one of them and took it with me to my bed
You are not just a flower in front of my house
You are a memory of my teenage
You remind me of those days in a glimpse
Happiness slowly reached for a while
Jasmine, you are part of my fond memories

though for a while

Hey there
My fondest spirit raiser
Its been a while now
The summer sun is just over my head here
There are no clouds to burst and make some fresh mud air
I went to my village just few days back
Sorrow still tickles my brain on and off with the thought of parents
While I sit in an auto rickshaw, I hear the voices of people talking about my mother and her kindness
There is the string that holds me to that place
I see, I think, what I can and cannot do
While the wedding has demolished all the randomness in life
I relish the simple, not so surprising decisions of mine, like they slowly tell what I am
Like something is cleansing in the mind
I suddenly remember the days of the lengthy letters...more long more better
I want to tell about your quiet absence
Hoping to come back to you soon
Before the nights get longer and day gets shorter
Today I will sanction you a flying carpet today
Please drop by and lets go and have a cup of coffee
And talk about all the little deeds of our live

its the big day..stars and moon

A week more..and this day will be filled with tensed moments. I do not know if we can handle it just like that. Hope it goes smoothly. When I sit here at my cousin's house, I suddenly realize I am going to have my own house in next two weeks. Someone appreciates it only when they lose everything. A house is not a house until it has a family and love in it. All of a sudden lot of excitement comes and all of sudden a lot of tension moments.I am still trying to come out of all the paranoid things the Delhi life has built in me. A friend two days back said, I am stereotype. I came back home and read its definition in detail. He was right. I was thinking all the auto guys in the world are unsafe, just because I don't trust them in Gurgaon.
Again trust! I only think of ways to define it. Did I take too long to understand it? I dunno, its hard. Again I remember reading the title of a book "Only paranoid's survive", may be in success and not in health.
Never mind, I am hoping to be calm and start trusting people around, drivers on roads and think that good things too happen.
It soon is there
With the rings and garlands
The day o bright stars
While I promise to someone
To hold the cheek forever
o bright bright stars
let the life go slowly
let the moments sink in my small mind
like there is no day
that I could better think of
Its my wedding, may be moon is also happy
Will you come down too..

Wedding

I spoke to many many people today..inviting for wedding is very different. Same dialogue to be repeated more than 100 times...I speak to my fiance for hours and still we have billion more things to talk..its beautiful...the way the world tries to bring tow people together...I am wondering thinking of lot of things. The feeling of longing has now a bit smoothed and has turned to a sweet waiting. Looks like I have fallen like everyone else for this...it don't loo like just wedding anymore...the wedding is beautiful! As feb 9th approaches like its the day that will make it remember for all my life, I wait to hold the special hand forever.

A new chapter

Its only about wedding these days.
Every talk, every call, every minute something about it.
It is so much fun.
Though I am not counting days, but funnily I can feel how close it is, just by seeing my face in mirror...there is that excitement.
Unusually I recently thought for few days if I closed all the past life without hurting anyone. I guess yes I did, I don't carry any guilt now. Even it pains less to think of parent's death. Though like it is real, they come everyday in my night's dream land, and live their life as they wish. I stopped looking meaning's for them. Sometimes nervous, sometimes in pain, but always trying to protect and take care of us. I think of them and of their wedding days. May be they were also like me, excited about every little thing.

I keep saying to myself, too much anything is not good in life. Even love. I learned to keep it in control and manage it over the time. Marriage hopefully should help me keep everything in track. You can't plan much, looks like there are too may things, better go with flow.

Standing by a shadowed tree
Pip asked Allie "Keep coming again"
Allie with her usual innocent smile, never replying, only to think "Why again?"
The long seen road ended in a while, and the new turn never shown the old roads
There she saw in front, not the road, but.....the ocean!

At Ramakrisna degree college, Bsc 1st year

Is a dream of a person a tibetian singing bowl? I have been listening to tibetian bowl for a while and last night fallen asleep listening to it. Looks like man started hunting to the olden methods of reliviing tensions. These bowls, Ayurvedic therapies, I feel like I will open my third eye with wisdom of peace. I do have strong beliefs on ancient therapies of healing, not the physical diseases that humsn face, but the balance that mind sometimes misses. May be some wave kind of thing will normaluse this fragile human breath. A teenderly balance. I feel like escaping somewhere while I need that kind of balance. But then, I feel just an exchange of oxygen and carbondioxide. I see my hands and think about their delicate ways and how they are managing with me in this life.
I watched jayam movie sometime back. Back then in 2003 I went to college to start my studies in an exactly college kind of place. Many girls and boys were from surrounding villages, wearing loosest shirts and pants, and white chappal with dusty feat, and girls with long hair, pleated in the sincere ways. Thursday all the girls wear yellow color dresses and jasmine flowers on their long hairs, walking with bent head. I like the fact that I enjoyed very much in that place. Very focussed on studies. Sincere to friends, love and studies. The movie actually reminded me of what boys do to impress girls. I find that movie quite shocking now. Nothing I heard of such love in many years. Coming to the point, in my class there was a boy who was exactly like jayam hero, and I remember watching him silently, while he never knew this. Actually me along with my close friend we both watched him in every class and discuss in which shirt he exactly looks more cute..he only wore two shirts in 6 months. After 6 months, we never saw him again. Donno what happened and we forgot him slowly. I never spoke to guys much in college, not even turn back and see who sits at which place. The only diagonal guy vanished and I in that small mind made some space for another story like this, which he will never knew. Believing life is still cute. - Bindu

Going to be 2pm and I am waiting for second time DD at citibank. Luckily, I have a bank close to visa office. I went in and out of visa office 4 times since morning, I have been thinking if this guys will think I am crazy. No wonder I am having a crazy day, full of traffic jams, visa office all of a sudden say to pay by DD only, I have not eaten anything in the morning, went and had good lunch, while I return to visa office to know I have not typed some pvt ltd on the draft and they asked me to get last. Not exactly but I had this face on me. And I am sitting here writing this nonsense while my DD is getting ready. I have to hit on the same traffic road and reach office and work on elephant size work. No reply from my manager even after my long sad message. Nevermind, my last 5 days at office. Will through this DD on those poor faces and catch an empty train back home. In between, I also carried by mistake some passport xexox copies of others along with mine, and went once again in that old lift at international trade tower delhi.

December 2013

I am writing first time from my new mobile, which I finally managed to buy a few days back. 14 more days to go back to Hyderabad, and almost bidding farewell everyday to friends here in Gurgaon. I am little too much, otherwise who feel bad like this, for the loss of all this friends, by me going from this place. Just hoping that they find some way to see craziness in life. I will sign off soon from here and gonna live jobless for a while. I called gati couriers this morning to ask. About luggage courier, and now I feel like shopping more. I open calender a lot. Again I think to myself, what is that I am so excited about going there. We are going Chandni chowk this Saturday, to eat food at karim's. It is a famous place I guess for non-vegeterian.
The Sun has climbed above my room window. I cannot see it now, but can feel its heat. It is an awesome feeling. Evenings are cold, very cold. I always miss Sun. But feeling seasons is a beauty of life. Happiness and sadness is also felt with changing seasons. I think of my Christmas in Bangalore. Wearing christmas cap, walking on mg road with some close friends. The whole road filled with colorful lights. People in cheerful moods, and I with craving for cake and some good food, hopping into some costly restaurant with no ir less money and coming back seeing the menu and prices, then I remember, we all say this line seeing the restaurant face..."we will come some day" and walk again with pride and fun. Life is so free. Do not complicate. Keep all the things simple. Don't give or take tension. Afterall, its one life for all of us.

Trees till the blue twig makes its dream

9.30 A.M and I busily opened my laptop to play "tonight's gonna be goodnight"
that to night's gonna be a good good night..

Ok let me tell, I woke up this morning, feeling sad for person...almost felt like uff shit what did I do in my life...
Then I gotta feeling
Damn, I have dreams in life..
Real dreams, which I want to fulfill, want to fulfill, so strongly, that I had chosen people accordingly..I had dreams!
There I wake up realizing that not only I have done good thing in past to focus on something I really want, but also this dead brain, all of sudden got how much it's dream meant to me.

Drowning in the trap of myself
Feeling like feeling the heaven's feet
Ashamed of living
For that I laugh
Like there is piano or guitar in head, and god knows who is playing it
Mind in itself plays all nonsense pressing every crap button
Like a bombarding wave it freakishly evolves and there I keep that sheepish face
And face this god damn world, whose beauty is lying on the other side of the world, just like the other side of my brain
Either it turns or I keep my head the other side and walk
To seek, well not, to believe I am seeing the beauty side
That tiny little blue flower twig crawling over head and waist of all the trees and creepy making its space it the world...
Like a twig, which bends and curls when there is an obstruction for its growth, how far I reached crossing all those bends and curls..
Zipping the head, zipping the pants, zipping the writing fingers
I crawl another bark

"నా కలవైన నీ హృదయం" - 3

"నీ ప్రేమ కాదనే ధైర్యం 

నాకు లేదని 

నా మనసుకు చేత కాదని 

విసిగిపోయిన మెదడును పదను చేసుకోలేక 

నీ అవేదన నాకు పట్టదా ? అది నాకు అంతుపట్టని మరో వేదన 

మనసు కాదు నలిగింది ఈ ప్రపంచo 

ఈ బాధను దిగమింగే శక్తి నాకు ఈ ఎర్రటి వేదన నాడు దొరికేనా 

సంతోషాన్ని పంచె శక్తి  లేని నాకు 

సంతోషాన్ని పంచె వ్యక్తీ అవసరమా 

తెలివేలిలేనితనం అన్నిటికంటే భాధకరమయిన జీవితం 

నీ తప్పు కాదు అది నా మూర్కత్వం 

స్వార్ధం నా నరనరాన వూరి 

నీ మనసు గోడలను హేళన చేసాయి కాదు"

రాసి పుస్తకం మూసివేసి కళ్ళుతుడుచుకుంది ఆ వర్ణ సిరి 

మనసు గట్టి చేసుకొని ఆగని ఈ ప్రపంచపు నదిలో మరోసారి దూకింది ఈదుటకు 

వెలకట్టలేని ప్రేమను వెనకాలకు తూస్తూ.... 

Tinkle

Haa...Tinkle book is with me from a week..it says double digest no. 123..
Dunno what that means..
I could remember many comic faces yet..and you should see my face popup every time I finish a story and go to the next new story...same old excitement to read stories with illustrations...those names Sunder, Gudbrand, Shikari Shambu, Suppandi..anyone remember? And the some stories of brothers..animals like cat, dog...and then all of sudden I lift my head and I see "Big Boss" tv reality show...and it looks like another world.. I quickly bend my head and lean into my Tinkle again..its just so easy to get lost into other world..

Remind me to read this sometime

Irregular, Nascent and Heartfelt
These are the best words for my thoughts
I am so vigilant of my presence in this planet
Scary moments pass by when I think life is just about me and I am a loner...looks like by birth...though it is not true
I allow my misery to swallow all my life, everything, my health, my food, my energy, my innocent brain
I don't have to write them. There is a reason though!
To surprise me, my brain forgets these misery part all of sudden, they vanish, they vanish so well that I just think of all the swallowed moments and laugh. It doesn't stop. I think those misery moments will never dare to come back and I forget how I came out of it. I forget what is motivating me to bring back what I am really.

Lately I started realizing that many women go through such phases in life. I just forgot that we don't/can't become normal with any one's help. I have to strongly believe and say to all such people that, "You have to get back yourself and you are completely on your own". Moment waited for someone's support is the moment wasted in increasing the strength of the misery.

Firstly avoid the triggers. Yes, it is easy to identify the triggers. Just get rid of them. For a while Yes, get rid of them. Don't think of any good moments. They are sometimes worse and act as triggers again. Don't force yourself learn or engage in new activity. Just go with the flow. Do what you used to do all the time. Many times you tend to get some attention. It is normal. But choose your people wisely. Choose someone who will not judge you based on current emotions, who believes in your strength.

“Those who truly love us will never knowingly ask us to be other than we are”  
-Mark Nepo

Days will pass by, slowly. We all will be fine. Either living or sleeping in soil. Everything is fine. Life is shorter.
Misery is much more shorter..
Hearts are softer
Fill it with laughter

Bindu


 

Star Oh star you shine so bright
Won't you grant me one small wish tonight?
That I won't die on this destructive path of mine
I have been to heaven, I have been to hell
I have been to Vegas and god knows where
But nothing feels like you baby
I love you more than you will even know

Fly the ballons!

Its my roomie's bday. I like it.
Her boyfriend said he will come to meet her...but couldn't make it. Unlike others, she is quiet and happy. Somehow, I saw myself in her..not for this matter but for many other thoughts.
I realized how nice it is to be around simple people and how many days and months past that I have been with someone as simple as I think of myself
Just being happy with all simple things, happenings and even for nothing
Back then I was liked by all the room mates.. though they were a few months elder than me..they just liked to be around me..I remember them saying I am easy to be with...
I never got it really until today...
Its so nice to be with people with less thoughts..
Office is still like the chess board..couldn't figure it
As month changes, it seems to be exciting..
Although rain is still around, I am hoping the winter is slowly taking its stake of yearly torture...
I tried to figure out why people given any day in the whole year would want to choose to live here..
Not even a single day I felt, this is why they live here...
Even when there was a pleasant weather, when I see them happily running in their bikes, I only feel pity, for they have chosen to live couple of days in a year..
After all the cribbing..yes I did choose to live here even when I have a chance to leave
Annual parties at office has something...people all of sudden behave as if they all became very close..
In spite of loaded work..my colleagues looked lightened with party spirit
I had good time with my sister during the two week long vacation. I know I will love that. The feelings that keep coming every few minutes that I am her sister is nice.
Humans can bear anything, any amount of pain. They just have to be open to it. They just have to accept it is normal. When they start thinking, I am in pain and I can't bear it. It just behaves like a ballon with a hole and you can never blow it again. I laugh thinking people will laugh at this ballon thing..ha ha

How nice I have a blog..

"నా కలవైన నీ హృదయం" - 2

"ప్రతి పవనం నా చెంపను తాకి
రేపిన ఆ ఆకుల చటుకే వెళ్లి ఎవో గుసగుసలు చెప్పి
మల్లి వాటిని ప్ర్ప్రేరేపించి ఒక్కసారి సరదాగా ఊయలను తోసి
ఆకులూ గాలిని న వైపు వేస్తుంటే
ప్రతి పవనం నా చెంపను తాకి
నీ వశమయ్యాయి.."
హమ్మయ్య అంటూ పుస్తం మూసింది, గాలికి రగిలిన జుట్టును సవరింస్తూ మురిసిపోయింది..
ఇంటినుండి దూరంగా వెళ్ళాక ముందే తన పుస్తకంలో రాసినందుకు ఆనందం
దారిలో పసుపు రంగు పువ్వులు ఎదురైతే నవ్వుకుంది తనలో తాను
చిన్ననాటి 'డాఫోడిల్' రాసిన 'వర్డ్స్ వర్త్' గుర్తు, కాస్త పసి వయసు వున్నపుడు ఎవరో ఆ పువ్వులను గుర్తుచేసుకొని గొప్పగా రాసినట్టు గుర్తు ..
తిన్నగా నిర్మానుష్య ప్రదేశాన్ని దాటుతూ మనషుల మధ్య నడవసాగింది
ఒక పొడవాటి దారి... వరుసగా చిన్నటి దుకాణాలు
చివరనుంచి మూడవదే తనది

"నా కలవైన నీ హృదయం" - 1

కిటికీ వద్దనుంచి
దూరంగా తను ఆడిన నేలపై చూసింది
వెనుకల వెచ్చటి ఊపిరి తాకినట్టు
మరు నిమిషం
కిటికీ మూసివేసి చిన్నగా నడుస్తూ చీకటిలోకి వెళ్లిపోయింది

నిదుర కళ్ళు తెరుస్తూనే
నవ్వుకుంది
మనసుతో

ఇక తయారవుతూ, గది చివరి పుస్తకపు బెంచి పై కాసేపు కూర్చొని ఆలోచిస్తూ
ఏదో తోచినదానిలా, చిన్నటి కాగితం పై
పసి అక్షరాలు రాసింది
"మంచును చూసా ఒకనాడు
మరి మరి చూసా అది నిజమాని...
నీటిని తాకుతూ నిలుచొని వున్నా కొండను చూసా
అది అంత అందంగా నా కళ్ళకు అనిపిస్తుందని
తెలుసుకోలేక మల్లి మల్లి చూసా ఆత్రుతగా...
తెలియని దేశంలో, తెలియని మనషుల మధ్య
అంతగా నా మదిని తలపే నీకోసం చూస్తున్నా.."

కాగితం పుస్తకం లో వుంచి మూసివేసి పాట వింటూ జడ వేసుకుంది
ఇంటి తలపులు వేస్తూ, గుర్తుకువచ్చింది