Junnu will be 11 months this week

Junnu can now wake up from lying down position on his own.
The other day after his dinner around 6.40pm I went inside the kitchen to refill his food and by the time I returned he was in sitting position.. I was shocked because he was lying flat when I left him. Immediately went and check the video camera and just caught him in action.. he sat so quickly and easily that was amazing.
I keep thinking he will read these posts someday and probably ask if there is that video, I should remember to save it. But sometimes I also wonder if he will become someone who really dont bother about all these things. Either way I am excited for him.
He looks a lot like his father now a days..
Just before he want to sleep he tries to laugh loudly at any silly thing we do.. even just rolling eyes can tickle him, and then we know that he is sleepy
And when I put him to bed beside me, he keeps coming close and close I dont know how much more he can come because there is no more space between us and then he starts drinking milk, once in a while he looks at my face lifting his head and he does something so cute. He smiles from the right corner of his lips with warm eyes. I think I am going to miss that smile as he grows, it is cute, a bit funny and at the same time proud.
All his hugs, kisses, innocence is washing away any pain this heart ever had.
You will be my love for this life Junnu.

Cosy times

I went into the kitchen
Silently took the Japanese roasted rice green tea powder and turned on the stove.
Bent a bit to open the cupboard below the stove and took the tea making vessel.
Noticed it for a while, I have been using it since my wedding and ravi seem to have had it many years before that. I rinsed once with the water and filled half of it with the water and set it on stove to boil. While I waited for the water to boil, I turned away from the stove and looked into the kitchen window to see the nearby tree and wonder for a moment is this what relaxing means. I dont really know. I turn again towards the stove and put a spoon full of tea into the boiling water. While the tea was boiling I once again bent down, this time to just try and smell roasted rice.. I couldn’t smell anything yet but I felt hot water vapors on my face and suddenly it came to my mind, what if a person is very short and standing exactly where I am...maybe they will feel the vapors all the time. Thought it is silly to think like that and when the leaves are completely opened from boiling, I looked for a glass which has white background inside instead of black (I find it hard to see the contents in the glass when it has black color inside, strange but somehow I keep wondering black color inside porcelain glasses is a wrong way to make a glass. I poured my green tea in it and now I can smell roasted rice in it. Sipped it silently while reading a book in kindle.
I like this time.

Junnu sleeptime

Some days Junnu sleeps early
However I will not get to do much work as he doesnt go into deep sleep so fast
So he wakes up every 10-15 minutes once ensure I am around.. at times try to feed once again and otherwise just silently hold my top or put his leg on my leg and sleep
I have started reading books to kill time while I lie down those few hours until he goes to deep sleep
Most of the day I fall asleep by the time he enters deep sleep but when I am awake I read books
My preference lately is to read Japanese books. I am reading men without women by haruki marukami.. first story was so amazing in the book..you will take a break after each story because there is some thinking to do or it is heavy. Now after reading a few stories I feel some what monotonous although stories are new and engaging till the end.
When Junnu is awake I am so confused. I want to play and entertain him but somehow I feel Inam not doing it right. He dont look so engaged.. he enjoy more watching outside through the window and passing cars and buses.
The other day evening it rained so heavily. He was sitting on his baby cot and watched rain for sometime. It was amazing to watch him that way. I felt something different.. I thought how many rains we both will together right.. and even if I am not alive in future he will watch rain.. rain seem to be constant element and at that moment we both watched through the window and loved the rain.
In the middle of the night I am super sleepy but when I wake up I manage to change his diaper. It is a quick art, you need to put on fresh diaper before he starts to pee which I have no clue when. So I quickly take a wet wipe and wipe him, put on the diaper and put his tiny bedsheet on.
At that time of the night I think about my mother. When we were young (almost until we went to 7th grade) we used to wet the bed (both the sisters) and my mother woke up diligently every day middle of the night, took us to bathroom, remove our clothes, quickly shower and put on new clothes, changed new blankets and then put us back to sleep. And by the time we woke up we would again wet the bed. I cannot believe she did that for so long without complaining, and with so much love.
I dont know if I possess that kind of love. 

Uttaram

Manasauku hatthukunela oka uttaram rayalante manasu ah uttaram rase manishiki chala daggaraga unnattu oohinchali
Pakkane undi matladinatlu undali
Chadhive prathi padham dhani artham manasuni metha ga thakali
Chivari padham dagariki raakamundhe malli modatanunchi yepudu chadavala anipinchali
Padhe padhe chandivaka okasari gundeku hatthukovali
Kasepu nidrapogalagali ah hayi lo
Chinna chinna padhalu manushulani yentha anandanisthayo
Ne kaugililo, ne chethilocheyi vesi, yedhuruchoosthu untanu, gurthukuvachavu, choodalaniundi... lanti padhalu
Uttaralaa maaye veru
Malli ne rase uttaram kosam nene yedhuchoosthunna

An angel

It is a shame that I learnt so little from my mother
But then when I think of her she is not some one you want to become.. I mean it is too difficult or too big of a goal yo think of learning from her.. she is one awesome person
When we are fully broken financially and I should say mentally as well, she still has courage to be kind, gentle and helpful to other people. This is something I cannot imagine with myself or have not seen anyone yet with such great quality. Once when I was a a kid, in the nearby village there as fire and entire village was burning...a lot of people where coming back from the village passing through ours and I remember so many small children crying and some were even alone. My mother went to that village so brave, she invited a lot of people to our village, provided them food and more importantly she was always there in the school they are sheltered. Actually I dont want to continue telling what all she did to people, I can never finish.. she is just selfless and was there for anyone who needed help.
I have to accept the fact that I dont belong anywhere close to her great personality.

Trust me this note is for self

How much I know myself
I am a sucker for nice smells... I am damn particular about my shower gels, shampoo and perfume.
I keep changing shower gels and shampoos but perfume it is rare I like something.. I have two favorites 1. Lacoste femme and 2. Bodyshop white musk
I love travelling and I love researching airbnbs
I also like floral stuff.. especially clothes in floral..
I love kids doll dresses..sounds a bit weird but I follow many doll dress designers in insta..some day I want to have a collection of those and also show them to little girls who visit our house as my collection
I love flowers...lillies are my favorites..not indian tuberose but actual pink or white broad petal lillies..they smell divine.. I also think I should decorate flowers and take classes. Once when I took classes I got so bored I mean felt the whole thing so slow.. I want a flower garden in backyard though.
i also think I might be an architect in future..sounds weird right ...but I have this thing in mind for almost 4years now and I love watching certain designs especially those sustainable and basic designs which trigger sense of calmness. i probably think I should join an internship somewhere and see if this is really my area of interest... but then two years ago ravi constructed a house in our village and I have given zero inputs into it.. so yeah I am not sure of this architect them.. probably I might b someone who admires these things
Coming to food..list is not too long but I do have favorites...gongura is the first in the list. I recently realised I love cowpeas..red and black eyed peas, avacadoes, red rice pudding, sesame balls, mango dal, mango instant chutney, tamarind leaf dal, pachimirakkaya pachadi our village style, gutti vankaya.. ice lemon tea.
I think I am simple person and have no expectations from others.. but that is so wrong. I have a lot of expectations and I impose on people even without my understanding..back of mind I keep realising that
My behaviour changes depending on the person I am dealing with..over the years I learnt and realised some people really trigger wrong side of me and I sincerely make effort to avoid them and it had worked out fantastically.
I over promise most of the time, it is just genetic maybe.. I recall my dad doing somewhat like that...people loved him though...anyway I struggle to keep up the promises..both at work and friends/family.
I can save like crazy but at the same time I can spend like hell... so I need to watch out money carefully, plan ahead every month and stick to certain amount of expenses. I still keep missing the agreed amount to myself but I try a lot. Quite stressful and irritating to control this when you know you have something and you dont want to use that money to indulge..
it is sick but I check currency conversion and bank accounts everyday..such middle class habit..but makes me proud always...but sometimes I know nothing changes everyday until my payday but stupid to just check everyday
One thing I do sincerely is genuinely care about cousins.. most of the time I go beyond notmal helpful steps..have been doing this for couple of years now and somehow think back in my mind they will miss me in the absence of this..maybe not
I like pavan kalyan..still always likes his pictures when I see them online.
I always go late to work it..i changed jobs but this hasnt changed. I dont like it myself but I am learning to make peace with it..
My childhood wasnt rosy..my parents had crazy life...involving so many events that all the normal city based people wouldnt understand.. I don’t generally care to explain to most of them
There are scars if I look back but then I dont look back much
I had a few boyfriends before meeting ravi.. I still think only one of them was serious relationship. Even after breakup I was emotionally dependent on him for many years before my marriage..most of them who were very close to me during his time still strongly believe I never got over it and keep asking me if I remember him.
Yes I do, I also talk to ravi about him... its hard to forget someone who was there for significant part your life and if I say I don’t remember I am cheating myself..and why would I do that. Just sharing incidents as I remember feels nice a bit relief. I also wonder sometimes if I see him suddenly how would I react...maybe we both will look old..and I will definitely say hi and ask how he is been all this while.
I consider myself very lucky as well. This strong, independent, gogetter, traveller, multitasker in me wouldn’t have been possible without Ravi.
Like overpromise, act differently with different people, I also think I say something and do something..mostly change myown  instruction. For example I think something, say it but then I forget it after a while and by then I would think something else. The whole chain would be confusing for others but in my mind I think it is super clear..I realised this sometime back and I am working on it. These kind of knowing myself, my weaknesses and working on it has bought it so much confidence and pleasure of being myself. I am loving this exploration.
I have no clue about this whole parenting thing and am constantly doubting myself if I am doing things right..initially I went crazy and slowly getting better..
I have really a few friends over the years and none I can call whenever I want to
I have weirdest relationship with my sister. We love each other when we are far, she is also my best friend and I rarely hide myself to her. But when we meet we are total contrast.. cant tolerate each other for very long... we just know each other too long and annoy hell out of each other. But then once again we go far.. I regret everything and miss her a lot...I think I am working on thus each time and always fail. Some old habits are really hard...
Anyways I hope I learn to change all those things I hate in me one by one and like myself  more with each passing day
If I cant love myself I have no love left for any.

Yentho prema kavali

E lock down yemo kani mari mind ki chala time undi
Kaali ga unte leni ponivi alochistham
Kani 35 vachay kada last month koncham budhigane alochanalu vasthunayi
Age is just a number antaru kani vatitho vache health problems chepparey
Anyway birthday na bujji junnu gaditho cheskunna...naku ravi ki idhariki birthday celebrations antha nachav.. just lazy ga untam but esarendhuko celebrate cheskovali anipinchindi... ala brunch ki velli evening chinna cake cut chesam friends zoom call lo unte...
Chala dhachestham manashulam manasulalo
Nenu kooda
Konni yevariki cheppaleka mari konni cheppataniko siggu padi..
Nenu chala closed person ani e madhye telusukunna
Naku yem kavalo nake teledu
Including prema kooda.. naku prema kavalani nake teledu...yentha stupid kada
Asalu alantidi accept kooda cheyaledu na mind i mean naku prema avasaram ani..
Perigina paristhithulu yela undevante prema secondary.. survival first laga..
Ipudu survival easy avagane yedho missing feeling...
Na friend okammayi cheppindi.. matladethapudu... ninnu college ayaka hostel lo choosa yentha loving person la undedhanivi... anni love stories ye..exciting times ani..
Manchi reminder laga anipinchindi... kodhi rojulu sathayincha love kavali love kavali ani ravitho
Papam yemanukunnado yento chala effort pettadu...pedthunadu...but koddirojulaku stupidity anipinchindi nadhi...you get what you subscribe for.. thanu yepudu antha emotional type kadu.. i knew it..ofcourse kind hearted..and warm to live simple peaceful life.
Anyway love ane need yentha strong ga ye time lo yevariki vasthundo teledu kada
Na junnu gadu ilantivi anni gurthu theppisthunadu
Eroju amma birthday... ravi dinner cook chesadu.. yedho spicy chesadani chalasepu feel kooda ayyadu..
Junnu ki ninna first tooth vachindi... yedho nobel award vachinattu nalo nene murisipoya
Tharvatha kothaga nenu dhooram velthe yedvatam dhaggariki raagane apeyatam chesadu..pichekkipoyindi.. office pani yentho usharuga chesesa..
Yentha andanga unnay days veeditho
“Can u handle this cuteness” ane onesie veskoni bujji bujji ga nidrapothunadu
Vadi hair style vere level.. by birth stylish hair
Intha chinna jeevitham lo inni anandala
Junnu ammaki pedhayaka kooda ipudila yenno mudhulu pettali sarenaaa