Saturday, February 13, 2021

No more hair color

 Somehow this feels like big announcement for myself

I decided to stop colouring my grey hair

I want to embrace my hair the way they are

There are many maybe’s but at the core I am not enjoying the dye usage and am always worried that I am putting junnu through harsh chemicals.. the residue always remain even after many washes.

Good luck to this new look which I always feared and I think am ready to embrace confidently.

Friday, February 5, 2021

Junnu gadiki repu 1 and half year

 Chuttu chala mundhi undevallu ..Parents, cousins, family.. vooru 

Ivanni e life lone na ani anipisthundi apudapudu 

Ipudu nenu, junnu, ravi, helper inka kondaru friends(plan cheskoni kalisthe)

Covid effect yemo e madhya e feeling chala sarlu undi

Pedhagayyekodhi mana tho unde circle Intha chinnaga authundi anukoledu... vidheshalalo undalante idhi pedha compromise

Junnu gadu repatiki one and half year old authadu. Vadu height choosthe ikada andaru 3yrs anukuntunam. Beautiful eyes ani adigithe.. eyes twinkle chesthadu.. oka chilipi smile vasthundi vadi face lo apudapudu.. manchi feeling..yekuva describe cheyalenu..

Junnu pedhayaka telugu chadavatam vasthe maybe enjoy chesthademo na blog... 

Giant wheel lo pothunattu undi life fast ga..  vadu nidraleyatam... kindaku ala theskelli thippatam.. then vadi sleep .. na office work.. Malli lunch time lo vadu thinatam... kindaku ala thippi ravatam.. then intlo aata.. vadi sleep nenu work.. evening lechaka snack thini Chinna hero ready to go to play malli.. esari kinda vediki friends untaru.. usike motham thala pai veskuni adatam favorite.. tharvatha balavanthanga intiki theskochi thala snanam.. dinner and then malli kasepu aata .. bed medha.. konni books chadivesi Ika nidra.. esari nidra chala sepu.. Udayam dhaka.. madhyalo ala ala lesi cute stuff chesthadu.. just indhake borla padukunna vadu lechi na potta pai thala petti padukunadu kasepu..Vadi smooth skin.. and ah baby smell mesmerising .. probably words describe cheyalevu.. 

e life ki vedu chalu 

Sunday, October 18, 2020

Junnu growing up ..14 months

 Junnu is growing up daily

He can put legos on top of the other, he can spot identical animals on the mat, he takes our hand and asks us to repeat whaever we are doing. He shows his tongue out when we do it.. especially he plays with swetha like this. He has maximum attention on phone when swetha is on the call. It is nice how they bond. I dont know how it must be for her to know him from far while growing. And then Junnu enjoys a lot going out... I take him out in the evening to watch buses and cars at the bus stop.. he sits a bit sideways on the strollers and chill out watching passing vehicles.When we go out on brunches sundays.. he blabbers something on his high chair and enjoys his breakfast.. mostly sits beside ravi... its fun to watch them play and eat..Junnu's hair is beautiful.. we never comb them but they still fall in place always after shower. Although he sits well on high chairs in the restaurants.. lately he doesnt like to sit in high chair at home.. it is like two people job.. one hold on top and the other one pull his leg through the high chair leg holes.

We are taking a lot of videos, but I wonder if he can see them while growing up.. what if we lose them somehow.. I hope the google photos exists forever.. 

Today Ravi went to work after 8 months of work from home. It was hard.. for us and more for him. Covid has given us opportunity to spend more time with Arjun. Thankfully I can still work from home.. I cant imagine leaving him and going... atleast until he goes to school at the age of 3. Now he is 14 months and 13 days old....

We have not showed him any kids videos yet.. once i showed him baby shark and he loves it.. but he just behaved like crazy boy bending his head and trying to go inside the phone.. I just realised similar other kids and forced myself to not show again. It is hard, yes it is becuase I know he loves it and not allowing him to do. But maybe it is better if he loves to play with the toys than look into something.. but now when i sing baby shark he gets so excited... he has that memory of one video..

I and Junnu played with water bubbles the other day and he kept touching the bubbles.. I dont now what goes on in his head.. we keep wondering about it.. he loves water..he always tries to put his bath sponge in the mouth and when we fill water in bucket to shower him.. he splashes them until half the bucket is empty.

When I took him to the play area in the apartment..and put him on the slide.. he went in the opposite direction to play.. when I tried to read a book.. I turned pages one after the other and he sometimes turns it in the opposite side...I resisted once to move it one direction.. but then I realised maybe we dont have to read that way.. we are just conditioned to do so.. junnu can read anyway he wants.. A lot of such conditioning is something I am trying to get out.

It is simple, I have him with me, I am alive and I need to learn to enjoy my time in this world. Past future is something there somewhere.. I dont care.

Junnu is my life <3

Friday, September 25, 2020

 How much big should a problem be for a person to be worried big

I dont know

I feel I can worry big even if it is a small problem

For what I went through in life, shouldnt the current life feel like the most blessing

But I still worry big

Self introspection is so hard and to think why we think in certain way and to know why we act certain way is the most complicated inspection

I think someone out there can simplify this for me and just tell me why I am worried and why I shouldnt be

Life really doesnt work that way

All these ten years I had one strong wish to never become weak in life, weak I mean mentally

After mom's death and what I went through during those times that was only wish I had

I fear sometimes if I will go back again through such phase

It is scary, mainly because that phase feels like never ending...and so lost.

If people around you are not enjoying the way you are and you have to change and you bloody dont know how to change, then comes the real problem..

I wish to travel somewhere far and  just feel myself..hug myself out and say I will be alright.

Thursday, July 9, 2020

Going out is nice

I don’t know if I should call it kind of loneliness or just the times we are in
Staying at home is definitely not my thing
Today I went out with a friend and got hair washed, had lunch in a food court with my favorite ice lemon tea, it was raining outside and I felt soo good.
I bloody miss amazing company of friends in the past but I don’t want to complain.. I am happy I can go out, sit in a restuarant, sip favorite drink and stare at people passing by.
I kind of stopped reading books, listening to music.. after being addicted to them for few weeks or so. Maybe they are just corona lock down things.. once lock down is a bit relaxed I am going out and living life normal.. I really don’t bother now if Ravi gives me enough time or he plays his games... I seem to have my life back....
Junnu is now crawling and I have back ache bending all the time to pick him from pulling wires of tv and laptop. Ravi trimmed his hair with trimmer and he sat quiet all the while except for last few minutes.. he was bored by then. He doesn’t look very different without much hair. He got 6 teeth and two of his front teeth looks exactly like Ravi. I can’t stop wondering how capable is single cell of human is.
I am on one month leave and just chilling at home. Going out at times.. Not going out for a while might have made me talk less interesting stuff with people. It is practice I believe. Meeting more people gives us more interesting things to talk. Now staying at home I talk about junnu and myself.. somewhat about ravi.. nothing much other than that. I still keep wondering if singapore is the place I want to be for few more years.
Oh the other day I went crazy and been to post office.. got lot of envelopes, stamps, printed some pictures from insta and wrote notes in cute cards and posted them to many dear ones in India and US..
Posting letters felt good.
Back then I wrote so many letters to back then boyfriend. He had them saved in a big suitcase. I wonder sometimes what he would have done with it. Anyway I don’t think I can write like that again. I was super creative and so much in love. In love words flow free. I think I wrote this line before... in a post called blank.. patting my back for my memory..
So in the village all the nieces are back from city to avoid virus and are having so much fun. They keep calling me to see junnu and also they want to talk to ravi all the time.. he teases and plays with them and they love it.
I really don’t have interesting things to say.. I sing songs, read books to Junnu most of the day.. I sing an african lullaby “olele olele moliba makasi “.. he comes close to me when I start humming it.. he knows it is sleep time. He jumps on the bed and smiles sometimes...I lose my mind. I cannot believe my mind started to process this much happiness in a day with normalcy. It is overwhelming but I am used to overwhelming amounts of love load. Someone who is sad out there don’t be jealous...and sincerely wish every human on earth to be able to go through this parenting emotion. I even felt the other day if something happens to me.. I am ok.. I feel I am given everything in life and have seen many things so far. It is such a beautiful life.

Sunday, May 31, 2020

Junnu will be 11 months this week

Junnu can now wake up from lying down position on his own.
The other day after his dinner around 6.40pm I went inside the kitchen to refill his food and by the time I returned he was in sitting position.. I was shocked because he was lying flat when I left him. Immediately went and check the video camera and just caught him in action.. he sat so quickly and easily that was amazing.
I keep thinking he will read these posts someday and probably ask if there is that video, I should remember to save it. But sometimes I also wonder if he will become someone who really dont bother about all these things. Either way I am excited for him.
He looks a lot like his father now a days..
Just before he want to sleep he tries to laugh loudly at any silly thing we do.. even just rolling eyes can tickle him, and then we know that he is sleepy
And when I put him to bed beside me, he keeps coming close and close I dont know how much more he can come because there is no more space between us and then he starts drinking milk, once in a while he looks at my face lifting his head and he does something so cute. He smiles from the right corner of his lips with warm eyes. I think I am going to miss that smile as he grows, it is cute, a bit funny and at the same time proud.
All his hugs, kisses, innocence is washing away any pain this heart ever had.
You will be my love for this life Junnu.

Saturday, May 23, 2020

Cosy times

I went into the kitchen
Silently took the Japanese roasted rice green tea powder and turned on the stove.
Bent a bit to open the cupboard below the stove and took the tea making vessel.
Noticed it for a while, I have been using it since my wedding and ravi seem to have had it many years before that. I rinsed once with the water and filled half of it with the water and set it on stove to boil. While I waited for the water to boil, I turned away from the stove and looked into the kitchen window to see the nearby tree and wonder for a moment is this what relaxing means. I dont really know. I turn again towards the stove and put a spoon full of tea into the boiling water. While the tea was boiling I once again bent down, this time to just try and smell roasted rice.. I couldn’t smell anything yet but I felt hot water vapors on my face and suddenly it came to my mind, what if a person is very short and standing exactly where I am...maybe they will feel the vapors all the time. Thought it is silly to think like that and when the leaves are completely opened from boiling, I looked for a glass which has white background inside instead of black (I find it hard to see the contents in the glass when it has black color inside, strange but somehow I keep wondering black color inside porcelain glasses is a wrong way to make a glass. I poured my green tea in it and now I can smell roasted rice in it. Sipped it silently while reading a book in kindle.
I like this time.

Junnu sleeptime

Some days Junnu sleeps early
However I will not get to do much work as he doesnt go into deep sleep so fast
So he wakes up every 10-15 minutes once ensure I am around.. at times try to feed once again and otherwise just silently hold my top or put his leg on my leg and sleep
I have started reading books to kill time while I lie down those few hours until he goes to deep sleep
Most of the day I fall asleep by the time he enters deep sleep but when I am awake I read books
My preference lately is to read Japanese books. I am reading men without women by haruki marukami.. first story was so amazing in the will take a break after each story because there is some thinking to do or it is heavy. Now after reading a few stories I feel some what monotonous although stories are new and engaging till the end.
When Junnu is awake I am so confused. I want to play and entertain him but somehow I feel Inam not doing it right. He dont look so engaged.. he enjoy more watching outside through the window and passing cars and buses.
The other day evening it rained so heavily. He was sitting on his baby cot and watched rain for sometime. It was amazing to watch him that way. I felt something different.. I thought how many rains we both will together right.. and even if I am not alive in future he will watch rain.. rain seem to be constant element and at that moment we both watched through the window and loved the rain.
In the middle of the night I am super sleepy but when I wake up I manage to change his diaper. It is a quick art, you need to put on fresh diaper before he starts to pee which I have no clue when. So I quickly take a wet wipe and wipe him, put on the diaper and put his tiny bedsheet on.
At that time of the night I think about my mother. When we were young (almost until we went to 7th grade) we used to wet the bed (both the sisters) and my mother woke up diligently every day middle of the night, took us to bathroom, remove our clothes, quickly shower and put on new clothes, changed new blankets and then put us back to sleep. And by the time we woke up we would again wet the bed. I cannot believe she did that for so long without complaining, and with so much love.
I dont know if I possess that kind of love. 

No more hair color

 Somehow this feels like big announcement for myself I decided to stop colouring my grey hair I want to embrace my hair the way they are The...