silent obscurity

Blue skirt with pink, purple flowers and green leaves
As many colors those many thoughts
Life gives it all these only to women
I empahsise that among same age of both genders, women are more matured
Oh I stopped enjoying conversations with my female friends too if they are younger than me
This love for maturity is a tricky gene passed from generations
It comes to all of them
We all move in life in different phases
A phase where you are is not a phase the other one is
You might have gone through the same in past or may experience it in future
But not every time the phase might match
I am in confusion
Love, fun, relationship, commitment, tolerance, quietness
Just to live this one life
ha ha

Rabindranath Tagore

 I thought that my voyage had come to its end
at the last limit of my power,---that the path before me was closed,
that provisions were exhausted
and the time come to take shelter in a silent obscurity.

But I find that thy will knows no end in me.
And when old words die out on the tongue,
new melodies break forth from the heart;
and where the old tracks are lost,
new country is revealed with its wonders.

 

Practice regular breathing
Think of yourself
Let others live at their own pace
Close eyes and sleep before office
You only will close them again after many hours
Last night it was after 20 odd hours I closed them
Thoughts are like joints
They are connected
They are endless
Sometimes things can go devasting
How you bring them in place is a matter of your health and sleepless hours
Listening ears are always taken for granted
Everywhere
Patience is tested
Everytime
Life is questionable
Every single minute
Silence

Sunady Monday

Why, darling, I don't live at all when I'm not with you.”
― Ernest Hemingway

It is true!
Why I don't live at all when I am not with you?

I kept this new nail paint
But not so happy as I cant show you...am I a saint?

I tie my hair with this colorful band
and why do I miss you pampering my hair with your hand?

Street corner new shop
I went to buy new top
I saw a boy t-shirt and then you pop
Am I a kid with lollipop?

My sister went to barbeque nation
I am planning always for my April vacation
We both are what a combination!

I like it when you call me mental
You rather are sentimental, eating always continental
And dreaming parental :P

I am sleeping now
my roomie saying meuw
ok she said bow :P

B!ndu: life and love

VeerJara and Rehna Hai tere dil mei..were today's hot things to mind. Nice movies. The music of RHTDM was resonating in my ear all the day. From morning I have been thinking about the same movie. Madhavan was kind of cute, with that lil dark chin he got, though the villain scenes didn't suit him well. One thing that clicked to my mind was, in a scene once hero and heroine meets at a lonely bench in front of the beach in some outskirts of the town. Then when they had were broke up, one went and sat at that exact place alone and the other one watches from far. Isn't that so loving? Though I got so practical in my life, I suddenly found that so close to me. So loving. How I imagine such kind of pure and empathetic love. I remember my old days of confusion in choosing mad love over practicality. Anyway I don't want to talk about it. It went on for years. And then, I am happy today :)

In a pair,
one knows how to love
the other knows how to live
they know how good they are for each other

I had fearing of living when I had to choose love
I have fear of fading love when I had to choose life
But the positive side of all of this was
I had the element of love in me

It is not easy to put these things in words. I think 27 years could make you feeling less by now if you are alone, especially without parents. I feel proud I could spare some for my future generations and my beautiful life ahead. Sometimes, it is journey that is important and sometimes it is just only the destination but, I always remember to myself that I am true to myself.

Living Never Pause

Quite sometime passed that I wrote. I kind of was a bit worried about something all these days and looks like the strings of mind have loosened a little, though I really was not able to figure out why I was worried. Have seen 'kai po che' movie today. In movies I go through emotions at times so real, will feel some characters in depth of me. Yeah..this crap often happens. Movie was good..I like the kid Ali. Always quite and focused! Something makes everyone focused. What is that to me? I thought about it in the movie. Even now. I am only focused while shopping :P oh..no jokes..
Actually nothing is going to change. I am in some kind of world, a dreamy phase and thinking that some big change is going come in life. How sweet of me to think so, but nevertheless, good to realize to catch the roots tight and keep with what I have intact. And then, one or two highly motivated people are actually disturbing me these days, making me remember that great living and great motivation I had for my life. How did it pass away! Did anyone notice? I certainly did not.

On the first day of my new school in 2nd class, I remember few things. Sisters (teachers are called so) gave me a cute story book and I was seeing the pages. Last week in a book sales, I bought such kind of animal story books with colorful paintings and little stories. I started reading them in the night before sleep. Oh..I have only one more left, I want to read more.

I still don't understand this money thing. All papers. Like I get bored of things soon and easily, looks like I got bored of money long back. Only once I was happy when I draw butterflies, hut, fishes, trees, flowers, chocolates, balloons and write the names in springs and decorate them..

Once in search of lotus flowers I went to so many small ponds around my village. I thought lotus is the king flower. In the shiva temple adjacent to the water canal, I saw few lotus flowers and always managed to get one in hand and feel proud. Bindu, that small little girl was proud with anything, every small thing.

I am confident, I will discover my interest and define myself as complete.

You are on game

I feel I am walking on a small bird wall surrounding a huge well. So careful life has gotten.
I know my sister would be laughing at this line. Probably in next few lines. She talks about my english in blog. I hardly concentrate on it. It is unlike office mails...I can scribble myself. And then, the reason for that carefulness is only to not to make few mistakes. Just not again!

Its been 18 hrs I have not lied down on bed. I still stick to this computer as lizard to wall. I want to talk a lot about 'confidence' today.

That very word brings in emotions in me. Arises the character, discipline and self-respect in me. If being confidence is showing up to the world that you have confidence, then being silent with confidence is above that to me. Agree or not, but it takes lot of courage to remain silent. But I question to myself when is that a person should be showing his/her confidence..is it necessary to show..the necessity of showing confidence comes from the lack of confidence in opposite person. Then, it is asked my the opposite person to show some confidence. You are on a game then..in fact a poppet show. I should be send to forests. Because I know all of you and most of the world agree with this. Never mind I still have to survive and will survive and my confidence comes from love and I will have to preserve it all my life.


May be I know less about confidence. Ha ha...I must be appearing less confident in knowing more about confidence.

Perhaps I should sleep. My roommate always says..I speak very weird before hitting my bed...Oh..she will come back tomorrow..such a relief..

In between my fingers the cold is like jandu balm on nose... :P

Spiritual Womb

Have downloaded payslips of my previous company.
Watching life of some tribals in travel trendz. Muddy faces of those kids. With Malaria and their parents take them to spirit curer. They draw trees, animals on mud..with two hands clearing the mud and starting to draw. I too made such houses in sand sometime. I couldn't recall when. I wish I had some one, some of my village friend who remember all of what I want to remember. Poor or rich all the kids in villages play same games. Village games. I in this world of cities wishing to understand but not comfortable with.
I have seen people like me living, creating something else, something interesting in this world, creative and my mind asks me with its all emotions what is that creativeness I want to give to make my life easy in this cities. These cities wants you to offer something in order to make you happy or easy to live with. I am happy for all the people in that race to offer it something. They are at least trying to give something. I am also giving. My frustration! Telling with kind words to my heart that, it only hurts when I think of myself. It doesn't hurt at all if we think from others perspective for themselves. Believe, trust, remember always you are only you...not all of others. Just you!
Last time I was in flight to Delhi, I had this strange feeling. To eat nachos. Cheese nachos! It was morning flight and at 7a.m eating nachos was so unhealthy as per my mind. I still was hungry and nothing else in menu interested me. I asked for Cheese nachos and she gave me jalapeno flavor or something and I cursed like it was some generic medical shop, where they replace your tablets with other alternative based on the availability. Oh my science!

Filled four page PF withdrawal form in last one week and every time I take a pen and fill each information on each day, I start feeling like I am some big man sitting at old age and claiming some pensions or something. Yeah I dunno why that feeling was. I want to ask someone to try the same and see if they feel so.


My room mate asked me few days back, what I am going to do with that ginger shampoo I bought from body shop. I told her that I am gonna save it. She reminded me of the eye allergy I got upon using it. I told her that happened in winter, so I want to check how the shampoo will work in summer, so I better save till then. Poor she...he he..like her reaction..shock, surprise...some look someone give to a weird scientist. Then I got this in mind..am I really gonna try. Ha ha...

Sugar street I am still reading. Kamal has becoming my favorite and I started liking him as the story moved. Conversations are the best way to pass the historical knowledge and olden lifestyle. I want to have a spiritual friend with whom I can talk some philosophy that comes to my mind so often and be like a silent wave in a womb. Many friends are giving babies..no wonder I use womb to describe philosophy. I strongly like something in a person. I strongly hate something in the same person. Neither I want to change any nor I want the person to change any. What does I want from people!
When my ideas and thoughts are easily understood and I am never treated as alien then I only am called a person that everyone finds easy and likeable. There is honest and unsentimental heart inside.

Eras will pass away and I would think of something and say this is life..nothing much is really important!!

I wil post it!

Not so odd feeling to watch movie alone in a theater.
Except that I was a boy it would have been much easier...to make up people's mind that lonely bum roaming around..but thankfully I booked last minute ticket and made sure I am sitting alone after an empty row. Not to be safe, just to avoid passengers with popcorn.
Thanks to my extra enthusiasm on that day, otherwise how I would miss harper and madeleine..thanks to geographic channel. They made me remember my old past which I now hardly could remember. Those old days when I wrote everyday a letter and posted in the post box in front of temple and prayed every time to reach safely. Ha ha...once my friend raji, when I asked her to post the letter for me..she also did the same..she told me later in college. I felt safe that day that the letter will reach. I did grow up so much to take them so quite enough that they do not even make minute impact on the present life. I had to accept in this life that I would never have loved writing so much except for them. I was creative, I had fallen in love with words, I do remember opening dictionary and going through each page especially the page starting with letter "B" and finding some precious word in that. And then, it continued..I happened to follow the same for quite some years..may be till last two years...not so creative..but much more emotional, much easily conveying feelings..then only I realised...I was always alone and far from the people I loved all the time...all the time...even now..ha ha. Never mind I got this blog. But I still love writing to show some love in letters..mm..When two people create a world, through an imaginary way and could get lost in to that through letters..they often can easily get away to worldly tensions and just be two small frogs in their small letter pond...I still don't understand how and when painful elements arise and bite the relationships..especially the most loving ones. Better we all know to fall in love again and again with our loving ones. Though this glittery world around shows those colorful boats in front, the boat that takes you home and waits for you may not necessarily be as fascinating as you dream of, but surely its all worth it. Wait for your boat and also make sure you try those colorful boats for a short distance..because you only appreciate things better later for one million reasons. One million reason! it is so funny! I sometimes feel this number are just like money...even when I want to describe something in numbers..they sound like money and the more big I tend to write the more worried I feel. May be there is number phobia with me.

I then opened my notebooks, I kept collecting unnecessarily spending my excess but never enough salary. All books are empty except for 2 or 3 pages. Some with scribbling of huts, river, fishes, some lines drawn in some mood..I dont remember when.

To whom should I write a letter? Who would want me to write? Who would wait for one?..
m..........mm.....ahhh...haaa!

Then I write with same enthusiasm bending into the book. I look lovely!

Abstract kind of thoughts
Again
Cold as brain damager
Lost count on degrees they only drop everyday
Yet another day
Spoke to Pip and kissing him goodnight
I turned into loneliness back, dark sack!
My CV infront
Weirdly they show me two souls
Did they die for this?
I live with it now
I can live without it too
Guilt kills me till today
Every minute may be
I am going home in week
Two pongals went quickly after you slept in mud
But I still freshly think of my drawings with muggu infront of our house
On pongal
I stand less confidently after seeing other kids muggu
And you come and stare at it for so much time
With mesmerising eyes
Do you think how your daughter has grown?
And you say you want to take a photo and send it to news paper next day
My datura flower drawing was such a blissfull thing for you
I want it all mom
come back
tonight
just tonight
get up and come
 

K & Q - Forever!!

Its like a BIG STOP for all the questions in mind and start for all fresh new life that is ahead!
What a lovely day..what a lovely night..
Angels must have all landed at once on to earth to tell me this news..
May be while returning back their homes..they showered this Christmas gift on me...

<3 br="br">

Never Washed

A bit cranky from sometime. Now its gone.
Have been obsessed with body shop products, body scrub, body polish, nail cream, face foam..peppermint leg gel, horse chestnut cream..so much to make me feel good. Its nice to know I started liking myself so much again..ha ha again and again. To make me happy I remembered all that I have to do. Each one's strengths needs to be awaken many times in their one life. Each one's I tell you. Otherwise they are often mistook as 'Once I used to be, Once I used to do'. Someone who know you can always make you realize those lovely qualities or strengths of yours. I kept my head towards right side inside my comforter and it took me sometime to realize that a tear drop has just dropped from my eye. Though I was thinking something usual, my mind has not still forgotten to think of those days of her absence. Those strings in mind always crawl towards her thoughts bringing those single painless drops from my eyes..like same how I started to write something else and started of something.

Village, Office, PG, some malls around.. being one small part, life has some meaning with love in heart. A chance to love. Sometimes we do not crave to take love, but to give love. This might also be fundamental, but I agree all these things are illogical. I don't understand how logical mind doesn't catch these things. Actually good for me. I don't care if it is logical or illogical as far as it keeps my mind in peace. And then, I have to tell my mind when it is alone, that it is happy. I have to tell it, not always worry about any painful thing that might come up, that might hurt this little heart. I have to tell it, I can deal with all of it. My lips smile and I forget that thoughts and get back to my phone.

I first planned to write about Jammu visit last weekend and as it turned out to be one of the scariest and painful trip of my life, I just don't want its space in my blog. To keep in simple words, if I had to stay another day more than three, I would have turned god hater. I better be a non-believer. Trips are also about people you are with. I remembered my Nepal trip all through the journey. Nepal was one of the best place I visited. I enjoyed my journey to Pokhara from Nepal so much, that I can recall many houses, landscapes, waterfalls, schoolkids..lake adjoining thick mountain with full of chirpy noises from one kind of birds..lot more. The only think that made me curious all through my journey is the thought of being close to some country which we always here as our enemy. The thought how people living there are dealing with that pressure everyday. May be they ignore it most of the time..may be not..may be it is beyond my thoughts. However, I lived just like a perfect beggar for two days, eating only food available, lying on a 2inch common wooden table where all the world without home is sleeping and beating myself with himalayan freezing cold in a never washed rented blanket....I am sure no one want to hear more...!

This tataphoton plus customer care lady calls me in the morning and asks if I want to change to post paid. In deep sleep, I told her 'first of all prepaid is working bullshit, gmail opens after an hour and I stopped recharging prepaid itself, why the hell should I take post paid?'. Taking a moment she hung the phone loudly..may be she just bashed the receiver on to something. But, I liked it. So much, that she had an attitude. She can say all bullshit like, sorry for that ma'am, we will look into it..and non-sense. She just hung..like it.

OKay my new ant-dandruff ginger hair spa shampoo is waiting..time to be fresh and get out my lazy mind out of this bed...

Arugu

I am surprised to know that I have feeling for stones. Yeah stones. I think we all does have. I tried recalling some stones which I came across in life. I am doing this from yesterday night. Finding me mad...really it was interesting. First thing I remembered was a stone in the center of my village (botrayi). It is a small stone in the centre of the road, which is almost very close to the bus stop in my village where I generally take bus to school. It has a small curve on one side and the whole village offer prayers to it on all important occasions like weddings, festivals and even on deaths. I have feelings associated with it..surely.
I thought of more..a big horizontal slab of stone (Arugu) without uniform shape and one edge protruding a little out infront on my home..infact inside our house fencing was so important and so much favourite of mine. I remember from the time my mother was feeding me food sitting on it and we playing jumping from it, and once or twice snakes were under it, and they moved the slab to kill them and again kept it back...my clothes were washed by maid on it, in summer we dried rice papads on it, I have billion memories associated with it. I love that stone. It is still there, may be this time when I go home I will hug it :)
And then, yeah I have now so many stones in mind...I wondered if I get to have same memories in this modern building with uniform shapes and sizes, may be I will bring these stones from my village wherever I go <3 p="p">
I suddenly remembered me, my mom, my sister sleeping on that arugu with both daughters legs on her. Angel she is!

Change is coincidence

If you think that your pure awesomeness can bring change in someone someday, you are wrong. You cannot change any person. If you lost and found someone that is just a coincidence. If you think your manager or some one around is trying to change you or you are trying to change them stop fooling yourself. Its a fools game because it is purely COINCIDENCE. That is not that you changed them or they changed you. It is that they just happened to be around when you were busy thinking you changed them. No one changes themselves to suit your needs or wants. They change because they think it is better for them. And my mind taught one good lesson to myself that is no person in this world want to live this entire life with your problems and issues. Everyone wants to live happily. What I want, what I should be in future, how my needs are changing with time..what I want  what defines me...I have abundant thoughts and idea to keep me happy always. I am master in soothing myself when some absences pains. I want to say woman can get vulnerable at times but should never get weak. Use your eyes on people. Strong always. Never let them weak. Woman do not have to torn their hearts. Don't be in places where there is lot of Drama. Just get out of there. Drama brings stress. And then, practical thoughts are warm coffee effects.

Smart layered woolens, tall leather boots, skinny jeans, pressed pony tail with cute pins, yeah I have been collecting these things for winter over here. Sometimes suddenly I feel blogging has become impersonal to me..no mind paid on others opinions on my writings. Listening to Beyonce 'rather be with you'.

sometimes when I blog something in my blog I dont want people to read. Inner lives are very sacred. I struggle to protect it. There is something in being a person and a person who writes. May be BALANCE.

Bumps..push the thought away!

Red nail paint on my foot nails is making my feet appear fairer. After showing my feet twice to my roommate I tightened the nail polish nozzle.

Yesterday night I took someone and put in some secret place, somewhere inside heart that can’t get hurt. I always faced bump roads by believing that I can see the best in each one I meet and rather seeing the person, I try to see the best. I think I enjoy my optimism more all the time in everything.

I saw some pigeons flying today from office. Everyday same things, some friends, tea, coming alone to a place and trying to forget work for few minutes and once out of office not feeling like going to hostel, walking slowly, talking on phone, this laptop, no book, no other serious thoughts, just sleeping as if world is all at peace and being happy how uncertain things came real…shy…thoughts…days are passing…quickly…without much purpose…with much love than ever…so much sleep...least bothered about future…neither mine nor yours…thinking I am some song someone is singing so melodiously to world…though it frightens me thinking of losing people…but for now I decided to relax…after all that little innocent heart we all got…life was short to me. I am safe now. Yes Optimistic as always!

tooo many I's

I never realized that I love winters. It came to my mind suddenly all the cold weather bought happiness. Here in Delhi, winter just started. I am out all the time trying to not miss a bit of it.
I think winter brings kind of subtle, humble and calm soothing mind in people. Everyone are quiet enjoying or feeling the same cold in their bones and talking as much less as they can and making gestures more often. Friends were all wearing good jackets and I was there with just a t-shirt on. I liked one jacket, so cool one...it was above 3k I guess. May be I will buy it soon.
I saw this sky fall movie...there I found one line...liked it....’I will not leave when you want me to. I will leave when the job is done'. I suddenly remembered my office and thought I should not leave my work half done any day. Bull shit I thought. Too good I...ha ha... will remember lines for much better things...

Back then I remembered my Masters days all of a sudden and my most smart behavior. Never listening to anyone and always was able to convince any of the classmate or lecturer on anything. I never agreed anyone smarter than me, not even thought so. I was well known for my cool attitude and unshakable breaveness. I feel head to toe proud feling when I think of the way I used to walk from third floor of the class to down floor with bouncing loose hair, knowing that my seniors and classmates all are down standing...watching..And don't even let me remember me more, I have billion stories. Ha...so cute to remember them. And when it is cold, I always liked drawing some pathways of biochemistry and some flagella structures drinking tea in the world's smallest glass. I keep a day or two for practicing drawing and did them religiously two days, after which I ask my roommates to ask me any diagram in the whole text book and I used to draw them on board without seeing, with the parts of the diagrams. Many times my observation skills surprised myself but later I realize sometimes, except I should be in some intelligence offices, otherwise that is not some skill set used for the job I currently do. Never mind!

I am so waiting for next week this time to be with my sister and it was surely long 7 months and first time in my life I have not seen her this long. It is surely a great feeling to be sister to someone whom you have kept your life as an open book. We will keep you proud mom.
When you know bundles of happiness are on the way, coming next week...so many butterflies comes to stomach. Its sooooo nice feeling...

 

Plenty of Dates

What do you think about this..let me know..may be someone reply?
Discipline and balance both are myths. Everyone should come out of them.
However, I decided after involving lot of too very intelligent thoughts of mine, on how to wake up early every morning.
Wait, I think only people who will stick with me all the time read otherwise, you will be of no help to me. Ok no problem read, its free world.
Ah!
"Coffee Dates Every Morning?"
I respect my fear of not waking up early. And I want to deal it very sweetly with some peoples sweet help. And I know I need this help all my life. I will have so many coffee dates, may be I might dissappoint sometimes not waking up, may be I will end up making so many freinds and my coffee saga continues till I am having nose.

Will you take me for coffee date every morning?
 

I go alone for tea when I remember you both

There is beauty added to things that we long for.
We generally fail in daily life, sometimes too often and sometimes a bit less
Then I realised, I anyways fail too often, then why not fail a little less stresssfully, a little less expensively. It motivates me to bring back the situations, not totally but a little better.
But I have become strong believer of failure. I quite get along with it very well. It not only does teach things but keeps life interesting. Knowing how to come out of some problem makes it a bit inviting to another problem. However, changes have slowly started in my life too. The one thing I think more often these days is, why people get influenced of others so easily. I feel like stopping randomly and asking where is your will power, what are your prioirities, why do you get along with everyone's thoughts. Though I agree that some people are influential, but I do agree that a very strong person unknowingly falls into follish influences. It is something serious and can change the situations around.

A person should love wholeheartedly. It is a nice feeling. That slow beat of heart is a good exercise for our longetivity. And that two friends of mine, as I told to one of my collegue are my eyes (I know its too much of dialogue.. I keep remembering them many times in a day, especially when I go to tea alone. I miss the tea time with them at Kundanalli gate..hm

Very excited about winter. My roomie explained so much that its so.. scary. But, when I sat on terrace and felt a bit of cold, I found it romantic. Thinking it gets more cold is more n more romantic..like some new feeling I give to my body ;)





 

Na...h Cold

Loud was my sneeze and the steps I sat have asked me to give them rest
I want to blog today, because I feel a bit excited about new learning’s.
I donno if I learnt or I just realized.
People are cold.
Cold with thoughts. I would translate it to selfish or ruthless.
Was I too? I thought may be yes sometimes, may be many times
I do regret for that. But sometimes it is late.
I get hurt and I think of beautiful things first, may be my childhood, some small games I enjoyed playing, at times about remember few nice things of teenage and think it’s all beautiful.
Why I get hurt? Why should I? Why should anyone?
People think they can chase others life
Today nothing happened to me, or in my personal life, but these thoughts are making me no sleep.
I am afraid will this coldness pass with generations.
Unclear things are always nice to me. I like them and find something interesting in them
Too dramatically whole people around me are in an illusion that things should be clear, crystal clear and focused...whatever.
How much are they afraid that unclear things might raise unclear thoughts, though weird, much cold, yet fascinating to human brains...cowards!
And these dead stones without feelings can be piled as a 'master piece of garbage' in cemetery and let the cold play the funeral.
Kill your thoughts, kill the papers u write, kill the feeling you hid in blood waste
Neither afraid nor cared about burnt paper future
The only thing the world has to prepare them is 'Loneliness'

 

Life don't move so fast. People's head move fast and suddenly they realise that life is still the same when they stop. Run, Run, Run. I am here walking slowly along with life and when you get tired, come back. Come back fast! You reached very far running. The slow you come the distance you have to travel is long and we will meet at life's pace. I too ran once and looked back to find two deaths in a row and an empty house. Nothing I gain and realised why run? The fun I had while running did not and could not fill any of the life's gap.
It is an experience not worth anyone's time in this small life. Beat it yourself!