Tender World

Ok this was for today.
I am worried if I sometimes write something that is too judgmental and then the next minute I realize, a long way of life I lived to think of people who judge me. Not only me, I have met enough people who give damn about judging.

Last Sunday was a completely new experience for me. A whole day spent with 4yr old baby girl and 2yr old boy. I am glad I made friends with some cute family and with those lovely two kids. I never realized I would be out that day taking more than expected lessons.

After playing sometime at their house, we went to a temple and in the car the girl kid was very excited to sit on me. I dressed her, and pleated her small tender hair and arranged puppy pins, so that they wont come up. She was such a sweet one, never shook during the whole hair tidying process. And in the car, when I was brushing her hair with my finger, she was relaxing enjoying herself on me, with her two legs on the front seat. I lost into the thoughts, which you can imagine..about my future. I suddenly realized she was talking to me and when I asked her about it, she took my hand and kept it on her hair...So much love I got on her, with that small act, she wanted me to brush hair with my fingers. I did the same holding her more and more close.

Its been so long I hugged someone. Made my heart free. I slept in the whole way home holding her and my friend beside me offered her shoulder to sleep.

I have seen the whole day the mother of those kids. She made me realize what it is to deal with a family. And she tried every minute to make best for her children and her husband. And to my shock, she comes to the same office like me and works at same pace like me. Just before we were leaving out of the house, she cooked few Idly in minutes and packed so that kids might be hungry in between. She knew the kids. She knew how to make her husband laugh in keeping herself occupied with kids. It was not just responsibility, it was more of love which is keeping her climbing.

May be it is much more than that. I think women finds solitude in doing somethings at some age. The best way of enjoying for her was keeping everyone happy around her. May be she fails to do it at times but she never quit. Yes she never quit!

I wake up in the mornings to read this book 'Green Well years'. It is a book on the author's childhood stories in the temple city, Madurai. I don't want to finish the book, so I read only few pages a day and then think about it whole day. Childhood is such a precious thing. And along with this, I bought another book 'Compromise'. Title sounds interesting, but the actual reason to buy it was my shock that people really know how to deal with it and probably I will share my ideas once I read it. I saw a beautiful dress this Saturday in the mall and then I came out and bought this two books. The dress was 6k, but it was something just meant for me...he he..I felt like this at many shops though :) And then, I had to buy this books to make me feel better for not buying the dress. Back there my sister is all excited about her trip to Gangtok and I who couldn't make it for the trip have readily sent my interest to the 5km marathon with some of my team mates. It is the first time I am participating in something like this and I am super duper excited. 

How random?

For all those beautiful girls
I found something very interesting today
May be if I found the same after few years I would surely regret
There is a style that everyone of you carry and would want to experiment with
I mean here with clothes, styling your hair, wearing some kind of shoe or any external thing
This style part of all of us doenst have any co relation with our age, state of mind.
You might agree with age, but not state of mind. Let me come to that after talking about age.
Irrespective of what age we are, we can always wear whatever we wish to. Clothes have nothing to do with age. In fact, you might want to try all the weird or funky clothes very soon before you even think about the age.
And yes state of mind..
Soon after some series of sad happenings in people's lives, they generally give up on everything, everything!
They realize some time later, may be after few years, they have changed after that incident.
But trust me guys there is no need of that change. The style you have and want to have is just gonna stay with you forever.You have to make that happen. And then only you will realize how beautiful you are, you will be always.

I would regret if I don't write it, though many know this.
Somehow, my blog says to me, what I am.
I love that fact.

ఏకాంతం

ఏకాంతం వింతగా 

వద్దు అనేంతగా 

సాయంకాలం నా వైపు రెండోసారి చూసిన తర్వాత

నవ్వుకున్న నేను చాలాకాలం తర్వాత  

సర్దుకుంటూ నా పై వాలిన జుట్టును 

మర్చిపోయా ఓ క్షణం నా ఒట్టును

ఈడుస్తూ నడిచా కొంత దూరం 

మోస్తూ కొంత భారం 

ఉంటుందేమో రాత

అనే గీత 

నాలోని చిలిపితనం 

మరిచెంత పిచ్చితనం 

రాలేని గెలుపు

ని తలపు

People want you to do useful stuff all the time.
Thats why they ask you to grow up.
Do not misunderstand them for they are taking away your childishness or WHATEVER!
Ok. I read somewhere writing in bold something means you are actually yelling.
Anyways, this post purely goes for one small change I decided to make in my profile i.e 'About me'.
And yeah I don't have to yell about it, but it means a lot. A LOT ;)

Almost four years back I wrote this line,
"I think myself sweet, honest and innocent. I take things in the most happy and amused way"

I just changed the word innocent to matured. A relevant substitution to the changing times. A must needed compliment I give for my swelling thoughts.

A mind that works, always get its stake of respect and all the honor. It is wonderful to know, that people know to give respect to your acts of mind. Actually may be that is all we have to prove to get that piece of cake, I mean respect.

-

One colleague got black grapes in his box the other day and in them I got a jamoon fruit (black plum). I can remember its sceintific name (Syzgium cumini) too. Less compliments to me and more to my great biology teacher Alwyn Sir in 8th standard. And then, though I tried to convince that was a jamoon my colleagues were arguing it was a grape.

I went to the desk. Sitting there for a minute came that thought.

I saw a black plum (sounds much easy to call) seed in the bus, somewhere between seats and as soon as I reached home, asked my mom, if I can go to the house of my relatives who live a bit far from my house. It was evening and she knew why I generally go there. I didn't take any friends especially who can climb trees faster than me. Once I reached their house, politely I asked if they have some of those fruits (generally they pluck everyday). I know what to do next, I said I will try to find one if they are finished at home. They said fine, as one of their daughter was mom's classmate. I went on climbing tree, and when found one, ate it there itself, they were not ripe, still I ate. I can get down normally from the tree but I jump from so much height. 

I remember their house only for those fruits.

My parents have been famous for their acts of kindness and courage.

To my wonder both were. One was more sensible. The other has been a kid at heart till the death. Never wanted to know the bad in the world. 

My sister and me know very well and warn each other when we are not living the way my mother asked us to. When we laugh on phone at some things happening around, that is when I knew, we cherish the values of my mother. So internally! A warmth feeling of her surrounds me with the thought.

New office is very similar to new relationship.
Initially they create new expectations from either side and any one of them realize his/her standards should rise to match the other one. So, then starts this journey, people name it interesting phase. Because once you reach a saturation point, where you don't have anything more to learn you look for new job. Sadly, relationships work with slight difference after this point. You end up with tragedies and melodramas, which are basically bought to fancy the relationships further. People move to new jobs, they make great careers. People don't move to new relationships, they also make great lives. The last two statements are written very positively. Sometimes, they can be opposite.

However, my point is, do a person have to go through a interesting phase of job and relationship at a time. If he/she has to work hard both in career and relationships, how is his/her life gonna appear. May be they always beat head at office and after office. And I can't stop noticing but, it is worth going through whatever phase an office gives, new learning, new people etc. But in contrast, the relationships offer you some great challenges. And you can't make a CV out of it if you are well experienced, you can only make one much more smart step next time.

I am still in the process of learning how humans are making relationships work. I however, could not possibly find the reason for their well-being if I start enjoying one. So, I think this is the time to look more into them and learn as much as I can.

Human craving for something that will never be their own is very high. A high percentage of brain can drain in this process of craving. It takes one's simple logic moment to work with it. But craving kills all of it. The longevity of your character builds with the narrow focus on the craving which can alter your shadow. A vision of multiple thoughts can maximize your self control muscle strength.

Keep your mental muscles in good shape.

A reason to say Good Night!

Oops I am so blank now. Was flooded with thoughts some time back.
Yeah what I want to talk was about these girls and their brain usage.
I am curious these days that how often girls use their brains. The logical side of them is shut most of the time.
And the emotional side of them works round the clock shutting the so ever opening logical doors.
What is this emotional side? Do we really need it?
Yes I guess so, according to those old generations, woman with emotional side are found attractive, more feminine exactly.
The point is, how long. How long is the question of modern woman, who think logic is taking away their so called personal lives. May be these woman better live in the sun unseen world. I literally mean it. Because it is so very long that, the minute you stop using it, it starts using you. No better way to illustrate it, I bet you should try it. Once. It is worth it. ;) Moreover, you can give lectures to people like me.

And I realize that sometimes office can be a totally a different experience. I feel like I just started working, like a fresher all over again. May be the way they teach me things is making me think so. I am trained for every small thing. Being organised! Yeah I use this again. Looks like this will never leave me till it teaches me what it wants. Hopefully this time it gotta stuck with me for quite long time, because, not one but more than half a dozen people are trying to make me learn this. Not to mention but, that 'not one' is someone I really miss. So, then I have this reminders every where, in my calender, my phone, my inbox, pop-ups, post-it...I know what is so much remember? Yes! there are lot of things that my lil mind is stuffed with. Oh why is it lil now. My big mind is stuffed with!! Fantastically I desired for some awards over here. Yep you heard me right :) I have changed. So much that I dream them at times :P

Hee hee

Then, I ran over my excel sheet and strangely found that its been 12 days in this month and I haven't spend single penny on me, except those daily lunch expenses. I kept a watch on expenses but this is lil too way of my expectations. Nice though! And this weekend, girls are going on strike by not buying anything from anywhere in this place. How nice, I got another reason to not spend!

I watch this English serial everyday in TV. More than an hour, which fortunately even my roomie got interested with. And while watching we enjoy conversing on whatever they wear and talk, and that is when I remember those two gals..one is sitting in Bangalore and the other in Australia. On a week day, after dinner, we put blanket on the floor in the hall and put the TV on. And then, laptop is on, on the other side. Both sides movies are playing and we hold our hands and shout at scenes, simultaneously watching both, with some jokes and my loud laughs we go to sleep so late. We never used to discuss these things on the next day, probably we know we will discuss it on a day like this.

mmm.

Though I am a bit afraid of the cold weather, I am very excited about the planned Kashmir trip. I want to see those trees I studied in 7th or 8th standard 'Kashmiru pattana vishistatha' . Wow..I will see them all soon. And also excited to see all those Kashmir classmates of mine from Bangalore.

And I have a tip for all those gals, who get often emotional. Just when you think you are hitting that zone, turn off your lights and sleep off to enter into peaceful world. Goodnight all!

I saw sky totally dark at 5pm in the evening today. I came and stood in the same old place on the 6th floor of a tall building. A small place from where you can see everything outside including a circular fly over and red and white lights of cars as they pass in either directions. Standing there, everyday I miss something for sometime and today I didn't feel like that. Seeing the sky with full of clouds, clouds like they were once in my village, I felt easy. Easy to bare today's pain. People keep coming to that place, where I was standing and were all excited that it will rain. I felt like talking to everyone who were passing by. With some I tried.
Desperation is Strategic Way, in some terms.
I hear lot of things like this, these days.
And then, I miss my house in village. My old house. For years we had a wooden roof, which come from long trees. Among them two of the wooden sticks (I dunno what we call them, but they are huge..as huge as they can kill some one when fallen from that height), had cracks on them. My parents where always worried that they will fall on us. And we have to sleep under them every night as we don't have much place around. I remember they both were fighting to sleep under that cracked wood and I after I grew enough to understand the issue, started fighting for sleeping under the same crack. Ha ha..may be I thought it is fun to die like that. But never they allowed us. Sometimes, I used to think that if the roof fall on all four of us, there will be nothing. Same thing once happened near my village and everyone except one gal was no more. She used to go to school still. I gave her place in the bus whenever I see her standing. I thought we can come to school even without parents. How funny!! You can do anything. Anything can be achieved or you can also fall how deep down you want to. Possible!

And today I remember all these death things. Because my close friend, my first friend on this earth, swati, we were friends from Nursery to 2nd class, passed away along with her husband in a road accident on highway, the last I saw her was when she was writing her 12th standard physics record, in a place 'Tharthuru' near my village. I thought why did she take maths, when I took biology, I thought we both were so same. She left her only son who is born recently on this planet to live on his own. The day went thinking about her and her cute cheeks which I always admired. I miss her. 

Where r u?

A selfish pocket
A pocket for twinkling eyes
Mud removed for fishes
Eyes cried for known truth
A picture to see in real
Tree of your own
A mind you always dream for
Once those cherished are your values

With a Rough Tone I Say...

I never felt anytime this way.
That I have to be smart while talking to normal people around. Oh Yes we have to. It is Delhi.
There was this girl in the cab who was raising her voice towards me, when I was showing directions to the cab driver. It was late and on top of that I hardly know any directions to my guest house. And now this girl complains about my left and right directions. It was 10 p.m already and I was in no mood to fight with her, moreover I started feeling sorry for her, thinking she might be staying far and I was frustrating her with my directions. The cab rushed with speed and I carefully tried to remember turn to my block. For a while everyone where quite and suddenly I started feeling the real gurgaon around..that tense in people to reach home as soon as possible before nothing happens.
The jokes in office where, 'you can keep your gold chain with project manager or deputy manager, otherwise you will lose', 'are you planning to live in U block then, you better plan to buy another laptop, as u will lose the current one soon'...not funny ah!!
I see, people give importance to the way they dress. So much, that a simple bee like me would be not considered among their list of talking people. He he..that sounds funny now.
I decided not to change, not to leave my simplicity for a while, till I totally understand the whole system over here. I just don't want to end up learning something stupid and later I cannot maintain.
I dunno what can be done to the places like this...which are called unsafe. I still didn't get the real feel of unsafe word here. But we get to learn to survive at worst situations..especially girls will learn to take care of  themselves every minute. This is another pressure all the time though.
Apart from that, I got my work today and colleagues are so very excited about my IISc life, I got tired of explaining them same things. And one more shocking thing was, more than 70 percent of office is married. Both male and female population gets married by the age of 25.
In the rest room, I saw my face in mirror and beside me two too much fair girls stood painting their faces to get into the cabs to be back home. I suddenly felt I am so dark. Then, again thought, if I am thinking like this, what is the condition of a normal person, who will take anything very seriously. Uff! Stopped that thought right that moment.
I was wondering what all the things I am thinking and bothering. There was a moment today when I felt, all these is just for another one and half year..later I will move to southern part. But then, I decided to enjoy every minute of this one and half year.
Adapting is tough, but changing is easy. When you adapt, you are not leaving your strong views on yourself, when you change you change those views.
Every time, when I say a strong word in office, with that rough tone in voice, I ask myself where did I learn this from..I am enjoying the way I am dealing with new work and new people.
I got the shirt today from Ironing, one which is kept there in my suitcase from almost an year after it was gifted. Tomorrow I will wear it.
These days I dunno what I miss exactly, but I miss something. Thats fine. It is better not to know. I am happy this way.

Logic of Love- Be Dumb

In New Delhi. I think the name sounds majestic and somewhat modest, may be it is the way I imagined it so far.
A new place always gives you new thoughts and new hopes, a whole new perspective of yourself.
All of sudden the issues you fight for everyday changes and the new issues takes much longer time to settle in.
I think it is all about people in the world we are currently surrounded with.
First day in the company guest house was a bit exciting than today, now that its been three days over here, I got bored of this four walls and unnecessarily comforting facilities around. In the morning I was thinking that, people who travel a lot must be used to this kind of comforts and have high benchmarks for their living manners. Things like this never end. Luxury is a fashion, a rich fashion to comfort your mind that always things there is something else more in this world. Nothing is there here. Only you create those dreamland.
I think there are creative and destructive people when talking about dreamland. When you create an imaginable story for your future or for any person; a smart fellow creates in a logical way, a dumb fellow creates it illogical. But the happiest is always the dumb one. I can bet on this I say.
A logical guy is the one who is careful in the entire process of creating the dreamland. Breaking this dreamland ends with just a simple logic too. In creating dreamland with logic, the invested is the time wasted in that person's life, as significant moments in all those creation is missed in logic. The moments grabbed are artificially created and then the closing phase is much more easy. I am sure they have logic for this too if we ask them for.
A dumb one; sorry I like to call it that way, because illogical people are called so in this less understood world..yeah a dumb one on the other hand takes wrong steps throughout the process, creates a complicated dreamland while choosing between right and wrong, which ends up in pain and confusion during the end phase.


People in this world generally worry with issues on relationships just by being illogical. Its good. Please keep worrying. The real essence lies there. Logic will end you with  creating thousands of dream lands and you waste your life in the whole process of creating.


Love and logic never goes together. It flops and fails if you try so. Always!!!,
People who think they are balancing both DOESN'T EXIST.

A challenging dark day
A woman of thoughts
A mind disturbed
A truth of depth
A touch of pain
A memory of road
A ghost
A worthy acceptance
A vanished darkness
-Bindu

Marigold

At school, I remember there was a small rain water stagnate place behind our bus stop

At nights before sleeping I think how far the paper boat I made that evening after school must have traveled..

I used to think if it drowned with any bullock cart's wheel, I will again make new one next morning..

Back in school, I remember how I used to feel seeing those tiny feet of small children from kindergarten. I used to get so much love on them. I like the hand kerchiefs they hung on their front pockets of shirts.

I remember when the bus stops at the school, how I run to the nearby farm to pour the remaining water from my water bottle to the plants..

After it rained, with that moist weather, black clouds around the school, eyelids twinkling with water drops, mud hands washed in rain water to appear like frozen fingers, I see the house in farm opposite to the school...I thought you have to be rich to live like that..may be I was wrong...you have to choose to live there not earn..

There was a love shaped small water pond on the way to home, that was a mark for me to know how far I reached home. I sometimes not see the pond, thinking someone might think of me bad seeing love shaped things..

In bus, I see so carefully towards the road standing beside the driver. Most of them were friends to all of us. I tell him when a squirrel or salamander is passing by, so that he will not stamp on it. And if I see any of them already dead on road, I say about it to mom and my friends in school.

And in rainy season, I had this love for marigold flowers, they were so beautiful with long petals, changing colors and small stems, so delicate plants. On Sunday, in the cycle I hire for an hour, I go around the village seeing everyone's garden if they have those plants and I ask them to give me one with nice color. I think I liked yellow those days. And I come home rushing to plant them in our garden. It used to get all the attention one can give to anyone on earth. I kiss the plant when it gives flower. When the flower withers, I take its seeds, dry and sprinkle them at same place.

What?

A wonder worm entered my mind in last few hours
It made me remember something that I exactly can't recall
But all of a sudden, I jump with new energy
Hey you spark!!
You are wonderful!
Sometimes I have to kick you so hard to remember who you are...
.....took long time ah...
never late
and never far
your life is such a beautiful one
I got you on hold
Play!!!

Window opened with night wind

Feeling sleepy
How would it be to imagine being the child of a living mother
I actually forgot how it feels after forcing myself to stop thinking about it
There lay my village in those dark this night
Rahman has lot of sad melody songs...they are trying to keep me awake
She comes to bus stop everyday to hold me tight first and take my bag and walk me home
I wonder she sat whole afternoon thinking how I must be studying, sleeping, laughing in school
She must have missed me
Someone missing you long back is dunno for some reason strength for me
A human heart is soft, actions are strong, thoughts are strong
My days are fantastic. How dare I say that...ha ha.. I love myself so much.
I have been reading Rabindranath Tagore poetry from morning
I deleted those favorite poet sites bookmarked in my office computer few days back
Poetry brings so much comfort to mind
I change my shift to avoid morning thoughts
Now there aren't making me very weak
I feel sleepy
My home in my village
My mom in my mind
My love in my heart

My dreams in this world

I only want my world to filled with small simple things, how I know to be happy for any small things that come in my life, every person I meet the way I feel everyone is special in this world, not to run with people, run only with my slow moving thought foot, stop showing to the world the egoism that is expressed to resemble the existence of one.

I wonder what you would be doing now!
You must be sleeping facing towards those farms where you stood once talking to me
I used to dream how I would live there sometime

Songs are bringing the high I wanted
High
So high in love
A fantastic feeling that comes only very rarely to someone
Though people call it sad

I started enjoying it
Being high in love
Thank god my thoughts cannot be stopped
I bought something from shop today for you
Spent three hours to select something for you

Life isn't harsh on anyone
It only thinks we are harsh on it

My eyes hurt, I slept only 4 hours everyday from last three days
When I sleep my dad who comes home late feeds me fruits, I eat them when I am asleep.
Does he think I ate less or may be he thinks he cant wait till tomorrow to see me eating
May be that was making happy
I still remember the way you mix curd rice and place in mom's plate and ours. We sit on the table and you both feed us all the food.
Food is made of love..may be that's why it never tastes the same

Along with your blood and nerves, you both passed a feeling so bright into me, that tells me, reminds me always 'You had the best parents'....love you both everyday

Replacing you with a leaf

A minute to be another day.
I was waiting for this time.
Time to be alone.
Wanted to spend with myself after the trip.
Think peacefully where I am heading to.
No one in this world want to waste their time.
It makes perfect sense when I think like this.
Anyone can go far from you for this reason.
The reality is that, I always realize things after losing.
May be I never lose anything.
Life moves on.
I just need some food, small job and strength to fight basic issues.
Knowing the fact all the major issues already passed makes me feel a bit better.
I can always create some problems for myself though, I currently am in no mood.
Do not know how people find this new year, but life has dramatically changed for me this year.
Trying to forget or not focus on somethings lets you to focus on some other things.
I want to buy some really important things this year.
A laptop, a small vehicle for myself, a nice writing table and live in a nice apartment with beautiful view.
I was very happy to stay in tall building watching from one big window.
Each window opened in front of me a new world.
I also want to visit some scenic places this year. Full of greenery and pleasant breezes.
I dream these days lying on a green grass in a silent place, with my handbag aside, closed eyes, listening to birds..soon falling asleep and wake up to see bright moon flashing on my face saying 'its a pleasant night'..I turn aside and look at the far trees, dark clouds pretending to be invisible, smearing a leaf beside me.
Some people's presence cannot be replaced by anything but nature.
May be that's why I like dreaming this.

Day and night it was not to pass time
it was a serious thought
i dont want anyone to understand this probably
i pity girls in this world today
for the first time
may be or the last time
i got back the confidence for a minute
there are hell lot of issues and problems a gal can worry about
how do all of them live
may be they never know
how scary the world is
everyday is tough
i hate my things that all fallen around me
i sat in the bus yesterday travelling back from the village
i see all the people moving along with the bus
i imagine them all with just bones sitting in there and jumping
thats all we all are
i run away when problems come very close to me
after running some distance..i bring back some brave thoughts and run back
will i win the race this way
its tough
tougher than i never expected
one thing i know now
the more i go back the more distance i have to travel back to the destination
only thing i m glad is that
i still have courage to run back and catch that fast moving train
give me a hand to get in

Dusted Pollen Travelling All The Way To Reach You

When not in this world, you only have to think you are being thought by someone

A matter of memory

Why take more pain.

Years are never short...only pain is long..

Happiness is just like a pimple in your teenage..

Age! leaves you with cheated heart

Factors that are influencing most at a moment are the most repulsive one's at other moment

Such an inflexible one is your mind when you look deep into it

Otherwise you care less, it care less

Ends are dusted pollen meant to grow when fallen on something real

Wind takes them to there destinations

Do they have a choice or do they really care where they are falling
The world is going to grow its seed no matter where it falls
Winters are moody
I went out searching for room heaters last year
As dew on a glass
I touched those drops of memories...delicate, misty, soft, fresh..
You know how I feel
I wish I was a bird which can fly anywhere without permissions

Hey Brain!

Mind
It wont happen
You cant do it
Never you were born to do it
Nor grown to do it
You can only make and take certain steps
Future is all bullshit
I might die the next minute
You might be free of thoughts any minute
I asked each nerve ending to stop passing each thought to you
They reciprocate so loud and I again ask same question to each nerve
I gave up
You hired something called sleep
And I wont allow it to reach you
How troubled you are being with me!
In spite of all this
I want you to read others mind
Do you think you can read there nerve endings?
You cant I know that
And I still force you
How insane me!
I am trying so hard to find you a company
When I get you one
You can stop your work
I will ask the other mind to help you
You may relax!
I will promise you to get one of such kind
My brain!!