Another starry night dream

Since two days there is a pleasant breeze in the city and makes me remember my village. And my dreamy starry nights have become more and more wanted recently. Did I really see those billions of stars in the sky. How difficult are they to be seen after you move to cities. Does any one miss them at all. I crave to see them. I see each night at sky and am so disappointed. We don't see more than ten stars in KL. But back then in my village, when there is no electricity in the evening after 7p.m, lying on the wooden cot in front on the house, around small Jasmine plant bushes and giant coconut trees and looking into the fully star lit sky, always gave me sense of completeness and a feeling of belonging. Belonging to nowhere. When recently my close friend said she is sad and then I thought what can I do to make her happy. I thought for a long time, I don't have answer for you sweety. May be the calmness those stars gave me should give you some of their happiness to you. Chaos in life is scary sometimes. I always wish that I should get the problems only that I can handle mentally. And I always wish for you the same.

What can I say, how much I like to appreciate the life and people around me. You.

Fondly Jogja

So here I want to mark a post on my blog about my first solo trip to an unknown country with no one I know to meet while I stay there. My year end expiring leaves have made me think of spending time at home simply doing nothing. I decided I should get out of the house and do something exciting. I think I did more than exciting. I booked my flight tickets to Yogyakarta. I was definitely not worried that I am travelling alone..and was rather looking forward for the trip. I stayed in back packers. Although this is my second back packer stay (first one being in Australia port cambell), this one is solo stay. I stayed at Bhumi hostel, Kotagede. What a wonderful place it was. It took some time to figure out who is the owner, staff and guests. Female dorm room made me totally remember my college days in Bangalore and also few other hostels while I was working in Bangalore. I think I missed that kind of Dorm rooms and bunker beds with corner bed. I liked getting into my corner bunker bed and covering the blanket and just lazing in the afternoon. Bhumi has wonderful garden, just something I always dream to have in my own house. I woke up everyday early in the morning and spent some time wandering in the garden, smelling the leaves. Hostel had a great energy and a vibe of youth. People who were travelling there were adventurous and full of life. I strongly felt each minute of my stay how much energy I have and why it was hiding all the while. Life pushes each one in to some phase and I don't know if it can be reversed.  I want to travel again by myself, this time a bit longer. Lets see, how it will turn out. Although there are some risks travelling alone, as a female solo traveler...then there are many people who are just like us..The spontaneous life with office, work, home, regular meet up with friends..is nice..but is it lively enough?

Australia

I am quite excited about the upcoming bali trip.
In my free time, I sit and plan the trip and lost track of things I want to do there
Here in malaysia, people are crazy about travelling. Mostly becuase of cheaper flights that Airasia offer and secondly it is located conveniently to all major cities in the world.
While, in my list in last few years, I visited Vietnam, Philippines, Indonesia, Singapore, Australia, Nepal, I still have that push inside me to visit more and more countries. Not just visit but expereince the people, culture and places. Australia is the most beautiful country so far, while Nepal is the second most beautiful place. Vietnam is beautiful too, but in a different way. In terms of scenic, Australia and Nepal are the best. I recall the ten days of Australia trip so often, atleast once a day. The thought of penguins, searching for Koala bears, unending straight roads with just nothing on either side, silence of life in those places, sudden winds, strong winds, crossing Kangaroos, longest road just beside the ocean, small beautiful towns, cute little houses with pretty gardens in front..many more. It is just the most beautiful place I have ever seen in my life.

 

On a Monday afternoon

Wondering why there is nothing much to write, while I am always busy exploring life.
May be I am not just exploring it the way I wanted.
Last night I could not sleep. I woke up many times and tried to go back to sleep. Night was not so dark, but cold. Hugging my blanket and closing my eye lids and I open them to go to wash room, come back and drink some water and again hug the blanket. Repeated the same for more than 4 to 5 times I guess. Apart from the body aches from sudden increase of exercises, something was really going on in my mind. I couldn't figure out what exactly though. Hmm..

After my xiaomi phone died due to motherboard crashing (hate the sound of it), I got another same phone, a baby version of it, which works exactly like the earlier phone. I got my hair rebonded, now I think of how far I came with my hair. From cutting it short after bachelor degree to losing it's chemical bonds to make them straight. Straight hair is cool, they are easy to manage, but curly hair like mom and sister, is more beautiful...and natural.

All my cousins are in whatsup now. I like it very much. All my close friends are too..

I have become a bit obsessed about travelling these days. May be it is Malaysian thing and I just picked it.

We went to few beautiful trips recently and stayed in nice places with a big group of friends. It was so much fun time.






 

Thinking of Mountains

Tiny pots of memories break in mind sometimes
While some stories remain in mind incomplete
I wonder why nothing is in control at all phase of the life
At some phases more worse.
May be it is just me.
Guilt is a shame word, I hate it.
Death of people can leave in guilt for a while, may be for few years
But other than that there is nothing in this world that one need to be guilty of, it is all phases of life that anyone has any control on.
At the end of the day, a strong man always works towards a stable mind and realistic life.
Beautiful are those thoughts that pass by and when you catch and introspect them, they disappear for the farthest distances, may be the dark farthest distances
While I always say I cant remember things, especially words people say, my long term memory can deposit the situations with tiny details
I can observe, I cannot remember. I hate stressful calenders, task bars, reminders, I might want everyone to understand there is no need to remember for everyone, it is a bit weird to think so, but what is the point of challenging your genes, except building up additional stress.
I have been thinking last night to start some mountain climbing series just as my friend in office started few months back. First to get back to shape, second to get out of my office work over weekend and finally to say to myself that I can.

To You

We always remember good days of the year
Like today..
Its my anniversary already
Already la...
Time flew like anything
Anything is my thing...
Must be a bit hard one for my best half..assuming that I am not an easy on to deal with
I had a beautiful year of my life...
A year full of fun, excitement and joy
Like those happy new year greeting cards wishes "full of fun, excitement and joy"..
For all those who think that life stops after your parents
Here is my token of hope, life is merrier than you can think...
So coming back to a year of wedding life
Nothing much to write..
Wishing myself good going forward along with all my friends and families lives
And wishing my partner soooooo much of patience to bear me :P..

Happy anniversary Raviiiiii.... <3 p="">

To Roger Waters + David Gilmour: Comfortably Numb

Its been a long time again I wrote
I probably am not understanding or not looking into it..
Life is going on at different pace itself
Those things which I was super worried before wedding or the same one's I am able to forget in just few hours
I come from a background of most soft and most violent people. Those both were just at extremes that, I am left with feelings that are either of them and just numb
Numb is the word used by all favorite singers of mine, while I decide to not use it
A pocket of memory filled with sad, painful, unwanted are trying to escape from my mind these days, and that last string holding it is probably the numb one as my singers call it
Teenage and especially early 20's is filled with so much drama and all of it actually is in bits and pieces movie replicas
What if I grow children in future without showing any movies, may be they will be numb at 16
Ok forget it

Xmas was a bit different this year
I never celebrated myself Xmas, although my mom want to take us to Church sometimes, I always tried to ignore and whenever few times I went with her, I behaved as if I did some favor. Festivals are so good for the good mood. No wonder we have so many festivals in India.

Always little cousins

Green happy birthday teddy bear is looking at me
All the duo pictures of us are staring at me with twinkle smiles
After browsing the historic gmail inbox for a while, with that happy face I write

Sad or happy, the past was always remains a beautiful memory
I feel sad sometimes, thinking and seeing that all my cousins are going through similar difficult phase which I went through
I know they will turn out strong one day, I need to be patient
Talking to them is always so close to heart

Deep Memory

Night is so deep

When the moon is there to peep

you might fall asleep

I will wake you with a beep

and take you in a jeep

Sushi Disaster

Generally I always laughed at people who say about food allergies
It was first time I noticed when I came to KL that, may be food allergies are really there and they are pretty serious
One fine Thursday me and my husband along with another close couple of friends, went to watch a movie in the mall. We planned to have dinner before movie and as we had less time, we sat to eat at KFC. After the meal, in theater, I was scratching my neck a lot. That is when I came out of movie, I realized my whole body was filled with rashes. It took me a day to understand that is due to KFC chicken.
And today, I went to have Sushi. It was not first time I had Sushi. But today, I think I had the same dishes I generally eat. But this time, when I was in the restaurant, I had blurred vision for my lest eye. I was closing my lashes many times assuming it is something about the eye lash. But it didn't stop for a while. I was a bit freaked out, but the main thing started when I came out of the restaurant. I started feeling dizzy, restless, unbalanced walk. All I could think when I feel like that is I will faint now and where will I wake up. I know it is a bit drama ;) Then I managed to walk to office and at lift, I thought, may be I should stop here, as anyway I will come down and go home, with this dizziness..again drama :). I rested for a while in office and then spoke to my husband, he said he also felt something similar with Sushi and it will go in a while. Yes it did really and then when I search in internet, I see many sushi sufferers complaining same things. How scary!! Shouldn't they have some precautions for people? I don't know. But now I firmly believe that there are food allergies and they are very severe.

People take care about what you eat.

Traveler's wife

Kuala Lumpur is a beautiful place

I have many favorite places around now

Many nice friends to spend time with

Last Saturday we had a 'Telugu families' get together at my house

We cooked lot of native dishes of South India

Played poker after dinner and late night went to catch chai at 'Pelita' and returned home late.

Some of our friends stayed back, and one man in the house is still active enough to play some village game of our childhood. None other than my husband. While I wrapped it there, I saw all those child like faces among friends and my partner going dull.

Next morning, we started the same game after breakfast, followed by mid day tennis, lunch and quickly rushing to catch 'Aagadu' movie. Again at movie we were 11 of them sitting in one straight row..was so much fun.

And then, last night while I was going to sleep, I thought I should write a book by interviewing the wives of all the travelling consultants, their ways to cope up husband's frequent travelling and all innovative ways making themselves busy for the week long...You think it is a nice idea? You think someone will be ready for such interview..?  May be I should give it a thought... 

Hidden in cold

I donno to write
Some feelings
Go unexpressed
I dont force myself to capture
Asking my brain less
Giving it comfort staying with me

Oye
Oye
What do I do now?
Who will teach me to express
To write
What comes like some word called abstract
I only know they name it for less understood objects

Am I so close
In reading my heart
Will this cold blow my head tonight
I suddenly see some empty thing in that blue ocean life
What is that?

(Wrote this some years back..looks like I forgot to post, it is hidden in drafts)

Don't forget to have fun!

I have been watching Lakhsmi Manchu talk shows for a while.

I dunno how people feels about her, but I find her a person who lives the way she just want it.

In my Xiaomi phone, the life is half spent these days

Since the arrival of mobile phones in life, all the time has gone with it.

Initially, they were used to not miss people who are far, slowly, they are so smart that they themselves help to forget the missing feeling, I basically feel they leave in a confused state of not knowing they are missing or not

Coming back to the day to day life, which is just going super fast, I get chance to see all new kinds of people, some are very interesting, full of energy in life. Some have energies just to the same level of what I had in college. I feel, sometimes, may be nothing happened in their lives in between, that could change their lives. I feel happy for them. 

My father would be 52 mostly by this year and mother 48

Increase in my age, is making my understanding of them more and as they age without being in my mind, I crave to take care of them

I somehow want the whole world to take care of their parents, so well, so well that, in case you are not very forgetful in life, you will still feel happy to think of them, when they are not there

Hmm.Sigh

Today we have usual Thursday market near our condominium. For me more than buying anything, it is fun to see many known faces each week at one place. Even, the shopkeepers remember all the faces. Near a small water fountain, a small western boy with his father plays guitar and I think it is similar to European cities. It was new addition to the market, along with a lady selling unique goods, like small storage boxes with popular american brands printed on them, some of her handmade ear ring collection and actually many more. If she allows me I should take a picture of them today.

A very busy fun weekend ahead. However, coming Tuesday being public holiday, it sounds more exciting.

My Little Brother

Yet another long weekend is here..
Next three days are appearing to me like, I am gonna be on a holiday all the time
Today is Vinayaka Chaviti, I miss my village and my home
Festivals are beautiful ways for family get together and I miss all my cousins all the more
I just cant wait to meet them soon again
I remember my little brother Vamsi, who just grown in our hands, has been heading sports competition in village and was collecting funds for buying the Ganesh Idol. I was so proud of him, just to think how big he has grown already, I might be shocked in next few years if he has to start a family
I am sure all of them will do very well, just with a little bit of street smartness

This morning was a bit unusual for me, as I forgot to carry money, after a lot of posing to my husband about how much I saved this month. I tried to ring couple of office colleagues but none of them were answering the call. The cab driver didn't sound very friendly too, so I again retried to call to a colleague. Ah..she took the call and managed to sort that out and first thing I came up and did was, just to go to more colleague's desks and note down their mobile numbers.

Here in this Malaysian office of mine, there are only 3 Indians, one from Chennai, me and the other from norther part. I am the only one who come to office in Indian attire most of the times and people around really love what I wear. I like the little compliments I get when I go to pantry or wash room. Its been a while, and I am extremely impressed with their friendly behavior.

Planning about weekend, the long one..not sure where we are going..but the best part of it all is.. can wake any time we want...yayayy

Moon Cakes

There are moon cakes everywhere in the mall at office
It is called Mid autumn festival and the whole place is decorated with the pink flowers and green leaves inside huge cages
Marriage has bought in life, the perfect days which are so complete, that I can't ask for anything more in this life.
I season change is visible and it rains everyday in the afternoon, with thunders and lightening
The sky looks like a pregnant woman, once it rains out its heart out..it is again peaceful giving the gentle, cool breezes and we sit there at our huge open window with the cute turtle beside and gaze at the far mountains
I lately realized spending time in kitchen is not completely waste and it is engaging enough and there are few times, when I felt, may be kitchen was the reason to keep women quiet, calm and focused. Also, I feel it is the alone time and time to relax and revisit yourself. I know, I am doing too much yoga these days and I can appreciate life completely in a different angle.
I am looking forward for the trip to Indonesia soon and on a busy working day, I explore few minutes about the places around and then close the windows and take the inspiration of little smile I get then..

Sun Born Love

The thing that I most enjoy on my way to office and back home by cab is the Sun
In the morning, the sunlight is just out and it falls on my face while I sit back in the cab
It feels so nice, that I wish everyday, if my office has a window where sunlight enters inside
And in the lunch time, I see outside wishfully, if I can go out and walk in sunlight
By the time it is evening, I get in to cab and wait for the sun to show some mercy on me
On Rainy days I weep sadly inside for the absence of sun beams
When it doesn't rain, the sun light just pours in to me through cab window, inside I adjust myself as much as I can expose to it, feel it, the evening mild warm rays, while I close my eyes, it feels great!
At that minute, I realized there is some thing called unconditional love in this world
I come back to my desk and sometimes try to research what it really means
I read this few lines..

"When you say “love,” it need not necessarily be convenient; most of the time it is not. It takes life. Love is not a great thing to do, because it eats you up. If you have to be in love, you should not be. The English expression “falling in love” is very significant. You don’t climb in love, you don’t walk in love, you don’t stand in love, you fall in love. You as a person must be willing to fall, only then it can happen. If your personality is kept strong in the process, it is just a convenient situation, that’s all. We need to recognize what is a transaction and what is truly a love affair." 

Everyone needs a letter

I wonder on how I manage myself to live with my mismanaged brain
I feel it like a bush
I wonder what happens inside
Surely some times it is a mess
But at times it can surpass all the nonsense and caress me
When it starts to express
It reminds me I am over expecting for the Brain I have
Then, I laugh
Wasn't you who knew to write pages and pages beautifully
How can I forget the 28 yrs of pleasant memories that you created
I fear sometimes of my life
Do you fear to?
I think you never are afraid
Its just me who always try to melt you my way
Stay strong as you are
You are the best
and my sweetest

A letter to my Brain!

Candy

I realize these days that memories are hard and I figured out to make as less as possible. I do not want to leave any of memories for people around me. It sounds so funny to me even and I learnt that it is not possible at all, as memories are tied with normal behavior too.

I feel my college life has just finished sometimes, as the memories are fresh in mind. The first day I joined masters in Bangalore, the way I felt about the city is so fresh in mind. The rainy days from the bunker bed were all so gloomy and made me miss my home. I then walk to the nearest telephone booth and call home with tears in eyes, though never told them I was crying. The solitary time I spent just walking nearby shop to buy egg puff and coming back home thinking of when I should go back again home. The feeling of missing people was so strong in my life. I realize that is why it took me ages to forget people. That is when I decided at a later part, may be I should call it second phase of life, with out any doubt, not to miss people. Just live in that moment.

But then, If I regret one thing most in life is, going to Bangalore to study. Though the college feeling was nice, I generally try to avoid those thoughts, mostly trying to forget them.

On last Friday, we friends at office went to the candy making shop and a man came to us and gave the sample candies. I was wondered that inside each candy there are the names written, like Brazil, Spain, girl etc. After eating half candy, when you check it, it still has the name in it. I dunno how they make it. And yeah main thing is I got the candy named "dad". I was so happy for a minute. The logical mind shut for a minute and I thought there is some meaning for me to get the 'dad' candy. I wonder in what little things I am trying to find happiness about them. It's ok I guess.

Bored..a new way to think

I sound so opportunistic when I write the title. I rather think it was just outburst of my thoughts. While I researched a bit and mixed it with my thoughts it turned out, boredom is good for a person. It will create a desire to do something. The more long a person is bored the more long are his thoughts in process. Don't just ask them to do something what u want them to do or just suggest a short cut to engage them, rather try to create interest in them. I always disagree when some asks me, are u bored. I don't consider I am bored. I think I got some free time and just think quiet. But here is the catch. If u just sit for long time idle, without social interactions, there are high chances u get something called loneliness. It has nothing to do with boredom.

Boredom creates desire to do something while loneliness requires some attention from people or may be it just needs someone around. While people mix up both these things and live in disappointment, I suggest to enjoy boredom. It opens new hopes and interests.  Don't just check your phones when the thought of boredom comes. As children my parents never engaged us all the time, while recently I see many parents very disappointed when thy cannot engage there kids. It's ok for them to be bored.

life is better today

I met the other day four of my bachelor college mates. After roughly 10 years...we were all bench mates. Another one was missing from the first bench.  Most of them were married. They were happy seeing each other. I suddenly caught their expressions while talking through something. ..like "is this bindu...is this siri..the same one from college". We sat in the first bench, for three continous years and heard, read and wrote hundreds of exams. They still see as the first ranker. When they realised I m just as normal as anyone, they had a bit of surprise on their nostalgic faces, they laughed at all the jokes I made, just like the old days. I remembered how dominating I was, and tried to understand why such feeling left a bit of guilt in me at that minute, seeing them un changed. I always feel I should have been better with people. I consoled myself that it is rather than guilt, I changed as a better person now and am able to reconsider those days when I was tough.  I remember exchanging my notebooks with them so often and the girl who's marriage I attended always shouted at me for tearing the pages in the books. I always smiled but never said why I tear the pages.  Back then my life was different. I suddenly think if all those things happened in a different life. I recalled the lines of Rusking bond. ..I might have stopped loving you, but I will never stop loving the days of loving you. I know how much these lines are meant for each and every soul. Ruskin bond again is someone like Rabindranath Tagore for me. Someone so close to nature and villages and little creatures.  I feel they have thoughts similar to me, and always felt if I could express so easily like them. They have never failed to inspire me at any point. I do not want to forget the author of Green well years. Books ought to be like that. All these people will not let me read a page in a stretch.  I always keep the open book on my chest and go into thoughts after each paragraph. I come back only to go back again. Sugar street book though is a sad one, the lines are power. Literature is a beautiful thing. The more I appreciate it, the more fearful it makes me, for that I know less of it to use while writing. I fear to remain with thoughts while my feelings doesnt know to hide in those complex words. One or two words reside in themselves more than a long page.

I see my sister running into sleep, to start her day early tomorrow. Relations are tender and always needed to be taken care of in a gentler way. That is one lesson I learnt after parents. In a week I would be in a different country and miss seeing her beside me.

Today while I was coming back from a friends place I stopped at mangoes shop and actively asked for all variety of mangoes. I sounded so funny and was laughing inside thinking of my new born or long back dead interests on seeing varieties of fruits. I took fruits for the whole week and was happy thinking of eating those mangoes everyday. I also thought how nice it would be if I gift a basket of these on my sister's friend wedding.  He seemed to be important somehow, he drove for us immediately after we heard about mother's death. But then the idea of sending mangoes did sounded funny, however I meant to say I found that minute what could be better than mangoes in this world.

I seem to be writing more today, in this midnight, I feel like writing about the village and my small brothers slowly growing older and going to college soon. One of them is in town now and I planned to show him the city tomorrow. I had to chose something inspiring for him. His name is vamsi and he still looks like the small boy whom I carried in my arms all his childhood.

While I miss my home and husband back in malaysia, I am trying to enjoy last few days of stay in hyderabad. When I think of next Monday I am totally looking forward to meet the person whom I can just have stable life with. Life has been better for me.