A challenging dark day
A woman of thoughts
A mind disturbed
A truth of depth
A touch of pain
A memory of road
A ghost
A worthy acceptance
A vanished darkness
-Bindu

Marigold

At school, I remember there was a small rain water stagnate place behind our bus stop

At nights before sleeping I think how far the paper boat I made that evening after school must have traveled..

I used to think if it drowned with any bullock cart's wheel, I will again make new one next morning..

Back in school, I remember how I used to feel seeing those tiny feet of small children from kindergarten. I used to get so much love on them. I like the hand kerchiefs they hung on their front pockets of shirts.

I remember when the bus stops at the school, how I run to the nearby farm to pour the remaining water from my water bottle to the plants..

After it rained, with that moist weather, black clouds around the school, eyelids twinkling with water drops, mud hands washed in rain water to appear like frozen fingers, I see the house in farm opposite to the school...I thought you have to be rich to live like that..may be I was wrong...you have to choose to live there not earn..

There was a love shaped small water pond on the way to home, that was a mark for me to know how far I reached home. I sometimes not see the pond, thinking someone might think of me bad seeing love shaped things..

In bus, I see so carefully towards the road standing beside the driver. Most of them were friends to all of us. I tell him when a squirrel or salamander is passing by, so that he will not stamp on it. And if I see any of them already dead on road, I say about it to mom and my friends in school.

And in rainy season, I had this love for marigold flowers, they were so beautiful with long petals, changing colors and small stems, so delicate plants. On Sunday, in the cycle I hire for an hour, I go around the village seeing everyone's garden if they have those plants and I ask them to give me one with nice color. I think I liked yellow those days. And I come home rushing to plant them in our garden. It used to get all the attention one can give to anyone on earth. I kiss the plant when it gives flower. When the flower withers, I take its seeds, dry and sprinkle them at same place.

What?

A wonder worm entered my mind in last few hours
It made me remember something that I exactly can't recall
But all of a sudden, I jump with new energy
Hey you spark!!
You are wonderful!
Sometimes I have to kick you so hard to remember who you are...
.....took long time ah...
never late
and never far
your life is such a beautiful one
I got you on hold
Play!!!

Window opened with night wind

Feeling sleepy
How would it be to imagine being the child of a living mother
I actually forgot how it feels after forcing myself to stop thinking about it
There lay my village in those dark this night
Rahman has lot of sad melody songs...they are trying to keep me awake
She comes to bus stop everyday to hold me tight first and take my bag and walk me home
I wonder she sat whole afternoon thinking how I must be studying, sleeping, laughing in school
She must have missed me
Someone missing you long back is dunno for some reason strength for me
A human heart is soft, actions are strong, thoughts are strong
My days are fantastic. How dare I say that...ha ha.. I love myself so much.
I have been reading Rabindranath Tagore poetry from morning
I deleted those favorite poet sites bookmarked in my office computer few days back
Poetry brings so much comfort to mind
I change my shift to avoid morning thoughts
Now there aren't making me very weak
I feel sleepy
My home in my village
My mom in my mind
My love in my heart

My dreams in this world

I only want my world to filled with small simple things, how I know to be happy for any small things that come in my life, every person I meet the way I feel everyone is special in this world, not to run with people, run only with my slow moving thought foot, stop showing to the world the egoism that is expressed to resemble the existence of one.

I wonder what you would be doing now!
You must be sleeping facing towards those farms where you stood once talking to me
I used to dream how I would live there sometime

Songs are bringing the high I wanted
High
So high in love
A fantastic feeling that comes only very rarely to someone
Though people call it sad

I started enjoying it
Being high in love
Thank god my thoughts cannot be stopped
I bought something from shop today for you
Spent three hours to select something for you

Life isn't harsh on anyone
It only thinks we are harsh on it

My eyes hurt, I slept only 4 hours everyday from last three days
When I sleep my dad who comes home late feeds me fruits, I eat them when I am asleep.
Does he think I ate less or may be he thinks he cant wait till tomorrow to see me eating
May be that was making happy
I still remember the way you mix curd rice and place in mom's plate and ours. We sit on the table and you both feed us all the food.
Food is made of love..may be that's why it never tastes the same

Along with your blood and nerves, you both passed a feeling so bright into me, that tells me, reminds me always 'You had the best parents'....love you both everyday

Replacing you with a leaf

A minute to be another day.
I was waiting for this time.
Time to be alone.
Wanted to spend with myself after the trip.
Think peacefully where I am heading to.
No one in this world want to waste their time.
It makes perfect sense when I think like this.
Anyone can go far from you for this reason.
The reality is that, I always realize things after losing.
May be I never lose anything.
Life moves on.
I just need some food, small job and strength to fight basic issues.
Knowing the fact all the major issues already passed makes me feel a bit better.
I can always create some problems for myself though, I currently am in no mood.
Do not know how people find this new year, but life has dramatically changed for me this year.
Trying to forget or not focus on somethings lets you to focus on some other things.
I want to buy some really important things this year.
A laptop, a small vehicle for myself, a nice writing table and live in a nice apartment with beautiful view.
I was very happy to stay in tall building watching from one big window.
Each window opened in front of me a new world.
I also want to visit some scenic places this year. Full of greenery and pleasant breezes.
I dream these days lying on a green grass in a silent place, with my handbag aside, closed eyes, listening to birds..soon falling asleep and wake up to see bright moon flashing on my face saying 'its a pleasant night'..I turn aside and look at the far trees, dark clouds pretending to be invisible, smearing a leaf beside me.
Some people's presence cannot be replaced by anything but nature.
May be that's why I like dreaming this.

Day and night it was not to pass time
it was a serious thought
i dont want anyone to understand this probably
i pity girls in this world today
for the first time
may be or the last time
i got back the confidence for a minute
there are hell lot of issues and problems a gal can worry about
how do all of them live
may be they never know
how scary the world is
everyday is tough
i hate my things that all fallen around me
i sat in the bus yesterday travelling back from the village
i see all the people moving along with the bus
i imagine them all with just bones sitting in there and jumping
thats all we all are
i run away when problems come very close to me
after running some distance..i bring back some brave thoughts and run back
will i win the race this way
its tough
tougher than i never expected
one thing i know now
the more i go back the more distance i have to travel back to the destination
only thing i m glad is that
i still have courage to run back and catch that fast moving train
give me a hand to get in

Dusted Pollen Travelling All The Way To Reach You

When not in this world, you only have to think you are being thought by someone

A matter of memory

Why take more pain.

Years are never short...only pain is long..

Happiness is just like a pimple in your teenage..

Age! leaves you with cheated heart

Factors that are influencing most at a moment are the most repulsive one's at other moment

Such an inflexible one is your mind when you look deep into it

Otherwise you care less, it care less

Ends are dusted pollen meant to grow when fallen on something real

Wind takes them to there destinations

Do they have a choice or do they really care where they are falling
The world is going to grow its seed no matter where it falls
Winters are moody
I went out searching for room heaters last year
As dew on a glass
I touched those drops of memories...delicate, misty, soft, fresh..
You know how I feel
I wish I was a bird which can fly anywhere without permissions

Hey Brain!

Mind
It wont happen
You cant do it
Never you were born to do it
Nor grown to do it
You can only make and take certain steps
Future is all bullshit
I might die the next minute
You might be free of thoughts any minute
I asked each nerve ending to stop passing each thought to you
They reciprocate so loud and I again ask same question to each nerve
I gave up
You hired something called sleep
And I wont allow it to reach you
How troubled you are being with me!
In spite of all this
I want you to read others mind
Do you think you can read there nerve endings?
You cant I know that
And I still force you
How insane me!
I am trying so hard to find you a company
When I get you one
You can stop your work
I will ask the other mind to help you
You may relax!
I will promise you to get one of such kind
My brain!!

Socrates says it is the ulcer of soul!

I came to visit my sister in Kolkata two days back. Doing things different from what I got used to do in my one year at Hyderabad.

I visited places like Victoria memorial, Howrah Bridge, Park Street. We took a long walk on Howrah Bridge; people were carrying giant bags and baskets on their shoulders and walking fast. I can feel that rush in their feet, caused due to the pain on shoulder. Their hands were properly toned. When did I last feel that pain? Did I ever feel?  I sit in that air conditioned office with less work and expect to earn what these people earn in whole year, in just one month. I go to gym to burn my fat, to tone my body, while these people work so hard to fill their stomach and get toned. World is really cheating everyone!

I guess Christopher Ryan’s book changed my perspective towards people. When a driver drives fast, when he thinks of competing with the other guy, I think of the chapter he mentions about ‘jealousy’. Everything started with this one word. Whole human destruction!

" The jealous know nothing, suspect much, and fear everything"
-Curt Goetz

Sadly we think, convince, and satisfy ourselves saying that our current lifestyle is much better than our past civilisations. May be we are totally wrong in our thought system. They were much happier those days. I am convinced!  Remember last time you saw an old movie and thought how sweet those days were, how innocent those girls looked, how marvellous those song lyrics were…Yes! We all like old things and we do like modern things, because we think modern life brings us happiness in more easy and shortest route.

I have been doing this from some time. I observe people much carefully to find what the common aspects that people are jealous on were. Not many things came into light in my understanding. It has been a quite a good number sample analysis from my side, which includes huge set of my colleagues, some of the close friends and people I get to meet every day (shopkeeper, dhobi, auto drivers, workers in office, receptionists). I was noticing them and trying to see if they are jealous of something in their life. If yes, then what was it? Why was it so important to be jealous? Are we humans bound to that particular thing so much, that we have to be jealous?

I got a courier one day in office and the receptionist begged me to open the cover in front of him. It was not compulsory but he was curious. I asked him that stupid question that minute. If he also wanted to get some courier one day? He kept quite. By the time I opened and he saw that there was a book in it, his face shown lack of interest. I asked him what he was expecting to be in the courier. He was smiling and said may be some card and chocolate kind of gifts. My god, I was shocked. If there were something really like that I would not even think of opening it in front of him. He missed that common sense, but gave me good info. People are jealous on other’s happiness. Most of them are living with the same issue. Happiness in terms of luxury, love, and other benefits. They end up sad and start up with jealousy.

Shopkeeper in front of my house hates most of the people who walk into that shop. I promised myself many times not to go to his shop. But my laziness forces me to go to nearby shop. However never talk anything more than what u want in his shop. Not even any expression. One day he shown me a Bru coffee sachet and said some price for it. I said “what!!! This is small packet; it must be less than that price”. He just took it so seriously, he was yelling at me ‘if you want buy..buy..otherwise go, this is my price, my shop’ and what not…he said so many. I felt very upset, thought of not reacting anymore. I asked him, why he was so upset, while  paying money. He still was upset. He said ‘my shop is not like 9 to 6 job, I have to work from early morning to late night, and I have to handle people like you so many. I cannot explain the Bru rate so many times.’ He was jealous that my life was easy. May be I thought he too want to be lazy like me. People are jealous on laziness. Remember people saying ‘Man you are so lucky...you got rich dad’, ‘How nice you don’t have work in office...this is life’, ‘You stay with your parents….how lucky you get to eat home food’…People are lazy! They envy whoever is lazy than them. They try to do something to satisfy that ego point. That something is the root cause for destruction.

I don’t know the best way to lead life. But I surely know jealousy will lead us nowhere. We end up as ‘progressing incapable total justifiers of The Great Human Destruction’.

I have been arguing on various topics every day after reading this evolution book. It is taking me to extremes of human and I get worried my mere existence might be questionable one day. Knowing humans and their emotions better will make us lead much peaceful life by being more open to their extreme and normal behaviours. Frustration, jealousy, anger...these kind of sequential words would not trouble you more if we consider other person as other person. He or she is just other person. Never yours/ you are never anyone’s. This is that simple. Accept it or not.  Life is complex only when you cross this level. Sadly we all push into this phase early or late with the word called ‘Marriage’. I don’t know, I might also end up doing this, but the principle remains constant. You only owe your life. Getting happiness out of it is your sole decision.

Right books can change your life..

hrudayama

prema nijanga vuntundha?
yekkuva anandam vasthe hrudayam pani cheyadha?
yendhukintha sunnitham e manasu?
bathakatam intha kastama?
neetho matladalani anipisthundi

What does she do on Sunday?

My friend woke me two days back early in the morning. She rarely calls me.
My bachelors college mate. She discontinued in her 2nd year to get married.
I was upset on her for few days for quitting studies in between.
She called me that day morning and requested me to wake up.
I asked her what is the matter.
She said she need a help.
I was sure, she was in some problem.
"My son's teacher asked him to write an essay on what his mom does on Sundays, can you help me saying sentences in English?"
I said OK. When I was done with translation along with some spellings, she thanked me and hung the phone.
Enough work for my brain that morning. What not went through my mind. Guilt, anger, hopelessness.

Diamonds..Pearls..

AM I looking dull??
No I guess
I wore nice silky top today for sometime
Not so dull
I came early from office
Surely not dull
Bought chicken to cook
Of course I am not dull then
No radiant words-energy is absent
I repeat the same again
If I am dull
Diamond thoughts as I dig
Mud filled madness
When did diamonds lose their value
Should I myself clean the mud on them
I was not a pearl to come from those soft cushioned shells
When I am alone I can imagine people sitting in some distance to me
And seeing at me
I hate them all ..whom I can see like that

Men & Their Strange Food Habits :)

I was sitting in the cafeteria this afternoon, at one corner table along with my team mates eating my lunch.

I was the only girl and all of them where guys at that table.

Remaining girls in team are in either girls groups or paired up with some particular guys..

I sit with these guys group who talk much about politics, some graphs and few of them imitating girl voices..

They are funny mostly..but when all these wont tickle my laughing buds, I stare at the crowd around me...

I covered all the girls in the office, I know which one wears which ear rings for particular dress and I know who is wearing new anklet that day.. I am so updated you can say..

The second thing that makes me curious in canteen is the boys with lunch boxes.

I have done a cupful of analysis on this, still learning more..

Age: Below 23

These guys don't bring any boxes. They are more in the phase of exploring food, they might take some more time to realize what they are eating outside is not healthy. However, there are few guys who bring a decent box sent by their mom's. I consider them as the one's who either spent many years in hostel and just returned hometown to work or they have a strict mom who is particular to carry the box. I am in favor of the last category in this group...who falls into lower middle class and willing to send some money to their parents, so they get up in the morning and cook some food or they have a small family in town who cooks and he don't have an option of eating outside often.

Just before marriage or newly married:

This is the most commonly seen group in the canteen.They are also most confused group. I saw on one Friday a guy keeping his big lunch bag on table, took out a small colorful tube from that bag and poured something on his hands..It took me a minute to realize that he used hand sanitizer before eating. Then he opened Maaza bottle which he purchased from the canteen (may be he thinks his food tastes better with Maaza around) and poured it in a Tupperware glass he bought form home. He was kind enough to offer the adjacent guy some Maaza. No shame the other fellow drank almost everything..anyways then this guys took out nice lunch bag with three small boxes in it..he took three spoons and placed on each box. I didn't understand his logic..may be he don't  like to use single spoon for three different dishes..mm mm..how does it matter..he puts everything in his single mouth.. lil too much hygienic habits...

And then, on the other day, I saw this guy who brings a box and starts distributing it to all the girls around..then only I realized why this guy is flocked with so many girls all the time..what a trick..easy one ah...

And there is unique set which I shouldn't forget..they are health conscious guys..who goes to gym at times..thinks they have got nice body..they bring boiled eggs in their boxes..I saw a guy eating 4 eggs one afternoon and I even saw more than 4 girls watching him in @#@)#$*. I dunno..what these guys feel..he he..they can eat those eggs at their desks itself and on top of that they catch these diet cokes..I am sure they wont get the girl nor the body..useless try..at least not something that can be tried in office..

There are few happy souls in this group, they are newly wed uncles :P  They bring lovely boxes with some cooked and uncooked dishes (you have to understand that his wife might be new to kitchen)..but still happy to get rid of daily canteen food..and they start speaking about the box and share it with someone around and make them feel bad about what they are eating. However, these are the only happy souls in this category..vote goes to them.

Married souls

I appreciate this group for their consistent and patience to carry their boxes everyday. Cheers to their early waking wives. But sadly the secret these ladies sitting at home doesn't know is, their husbands don't eat those love packed boxes daily.

One day, I saw a man, must be in his 40s, opened a box, I think there is some vegetable dish in it..he saw it for some time..almost with hatred on his face, kept it aside and went to canteen took a chicken curry and happily ate.

Day dreamers come here... this batch tries to remember their below 30 aged weekends and they open their boxes along with coco cola bottle beside..poor uncles must be missing their parties. I at least feel so. Sad for them.

Finally, I don't want to talk more about some sophisticated boxes of managers. They eat food and read 'India today' kind of books beside..sitting alone on one center table. They must be eating some maid packed food for sure. It would be perfectly filled with all the items that he likes. I ignore this batch...they dunno how to spoil their healths and appetite. Coco cola batch stands happy in this group..

Girls: Anything that can be understood and analyzed is written in detail above. I don't try to know or think of girls food habits. Its too complicated.If you know please tell me :)

Tired of People

After beating myself with work so long..

I sat a minute calm..

Experimenting by wandering or doing something to find right format of relaxing

Suddenly I try to became an empty wagon on a busy road..

I have an empty mind but words are in the mouth

Nerves are bribing me to take rest..

Forgive me all the people who love me..

I am so very tired..

You guys pls keep with yourself all your intricate problems

I am always looking for my own escape..

May be out of the world or too high that no one is looking for..

Living on the margin is my style and like this I am always ready to live or die..

Are you not bored to live like the one everyone wants you to be
People's double life's makes me nervous
Take off your masks
Am I taking the path that no one is taking
Feeling like something has stolen my appetite
I sleep everyday to wake up whenever I want
People in this world are so adamant to accept honesty
I wonder why I want to treat myself so good
Sweet words never bring faith on people...know to filter those words
I cannot live with inflexible people..they make me behave more weird
I wear this big watch and have no polite ears at times
I want people around me and then feel alone between them
May be this is rare
Not everyone has same thing to do together
I am bored..people doesn't interest me soon
Faded fear, dead dreams and dull road..no knots to tie my mind
Well. I guess it is fine to be disturbed. Lessons come only then
Hero to Zero and Zero to hero..its just the way I want to put things
Should I make all this as a poem or write up..is this what we are living for
The years, I am living, after you are gone, need remedy every second
Mom, you have turned my obsession from that day...I don' t regret it any time
You left me to die everyday

Last Friday Morning

Morning 9.16 a.m
I stared at the lines on my blanket
Might be making my mind for this Friday
I calm down closing my eyes slowly
I had no stress in the whole week but I am in good mood in the weekend
Where should I go this weekend?
My throat is stuck with infection
I took a cough lozen before anything in the morning
I thought about my body inside, how it feels to have something like that in the morning
I pity it
May be it wants all fresh fruits and vegetables inside like how enjoy greenery outside
I rushed to the flower pot outside the house
They died!! That two plants. I bought them with so much difficulty
I am the culprit. I wish someone arrests me for this. I really wish so
Guilt didn't stay with me long, so shameless me. I went into the house back and tried to sleep again
Just want to forget what happened in the morning
While sitting in auto to reach office saw a school bus
I checked time..it is 9.55a.m
Can't say in these cities when children goes to school...may be it is also like office..they go in shifts or whenever they want to...
I wanted to get into the bus and hold the window and peep outside
Am I lost. I feel very uncomfortable while writing somethings
I dunno when I developed hatred to wait for lift and food in cafeteria...even to walk alone when it is raining!
mm..

Tillu

swethaaa

swetha ne perulone vundi latha
nuvve najeevithamlo mukyamaina katha
yeppataiki dhachuko nannu nelo devatha
naku telusu ne manusu suthi metha

Cleaning Spiders Today

I just got this new dairy (cute one ah:)) few days back..an empty book with green hut cover on it.
Have been scribbling in it some poems that are randomly bursting out of my high velocity mind....(NEVER LOOK BACK :D)
Its going to be hell lot of work in the next few weeks at office..
I still got enrolled in special aerobic classes at gym..
I was thinking at gym today that, I should write about a typical gym and people, their habits in gym.
And then I wonder how many people go to gym...not many ah! Otherwise, there can't just be 3 to 4 gyms in a techie crowded area.

Looks like my blog got some spiders on it...heee its been long time I visited it :)
I wish I know this computer stuff to repair...I wish I know what was the drive that my sister asked me to clean and reinsert into CPU...I took a month to do it. Finally, when I opened my gmails and face book...you should see my expression. They also got spiders :D It took an hour to filter all the replies for my Ph.D applications. No great news yet..mm

Meanwhile the most crazy thing that is keeping me busy these days is writing poems..
I am writing them everywhere...in office, lunch time, in auto, at home full time...
;) I feel like I am making sweets(poems) for festival (life is like a festival everyday)...

I was trying to remember dad's death day today. When mom was there she used to remind me of it...Now she is not there, I dunno whom to ask.
They both come in my dreams still. Previous day night I dream that she is still alive. I wake up in the morning and thought how great I am. I was proud that I can imagine her so neatly moving in my dream, talking to me and hugging me. What else I want. I would sleep forever for this.

 Orhan Pamuk's "Snow" is taking me to sleep these days. Its a scary novel for me. Too much english is scary sometimes..I read and read the same line and then in between I sleep. Nice logic to get u sleep..more powerful than any soporific medicine. Note this Insomniacs! Buy Snow book thats it!

And hyderabad has got some interesting news as summer is almost in the verge of closing its shop. People over here are buying mangoes everyday as if all mango trees will stop producing them next day. They see at them on the road as  if lovers see one last time at each other before leaving...summer is leaving! I also bought lot of mangoes today :P I was also one of those people :)

And then our team at office is in full swing these days..they started exploring many places around...they even went to zoo last week.. I am planning to buy a rabbit soon. I think I like rabbits after seeing one at my friend's place. Someone said.."Don't buy rabbits...they die soon and you will be hurt" 
Ha ha...

Oh...Those guys are so much show off..

I kept reading a lot these days
I read so much about 'opinions' column by yahoo bloggers
They aren't awesome but pretty good for a starter like me
They try to correlate stuff like zero and Facebook, TV serials and Indians, and interestingly auto-drivers with vampires. I read them alternatively after every hour one post and try to argue in myself on how they have misinterpreted and how well I can do with that topic.
Oh...Those guys are so much show off..
ha ha..I am also so much show off you see :)
Gonna sleep..this week is packed up with lot of plans :D