Tired of People

After beating myself with work so long..

I sat a minute calm..

Experimenting by wandering or doing something to find right format of relaxing

Suddenly I try to became an empty wagon on a busy road..

I have an empty mind but words are in the mouth

Nerves are bribing me to take rest..

Forgive me all the people who love me..

I am so very tired..

You guys pls keep with yourself all your intricate problems

I am always looking for my own escape..

May be out of the world or too high that no one is looking for..

Living on the margin is my style and like this I am always ready to live or die..

Are you not bored to live like the one everyone wants you to be
People's double life's makes me nervous
Take off your masks
Am I taking the path that no one is taking
Feeling like something has stolen my appetite
I sleep everyday to wake up whenever I want
People in this world are so adamant to accept honesty
I wonder why I want to treat myself so good
Sweet words never bring faith on people...know to filter those words
I cannot live with inflexible people..they make me behave more weird
I wear this big watch and have no polite ears at times
I want people around me and then feel alone between them
May be this is rare
Not everyone has same thing to do together
I am bored..people doesn't interest me soon
Faded fear, dead dreams and dull road..no knots to tie my mind
Well. I guess it is fine to be disturbed. Lessons come only then
Hero to Zero and Zero to hero..its just the way I want to put things
Should I make all this as a poem or write up..is this what we are living for
The years, I am living, after you are gone, need remedy every second
Mom, you have turned my obsession from that day...I don' t regret it any time
You left me to die everyday

Last Friday Morning

Morning 9.16 a.m
I stared at the lines on my blanket
Might be making my mind for this Friday
I calm down closing my eyes slowly
I had no stress in the whole week but I am in good mood in the weekend
Where should I go this weekend?
My throat is stuck with infection
I took a cough lozen before anything in the morning
I thought about my body inside, how it feels to have something like that in the morning
I pity it
May be it wants all fresh fruits and vegetables inside like how enjoy greenery outside
I rushed to the flower pot outside the house
They died!! That two plants. I bought them with so much difficulty
I am the culprit. I wish someone arrests me for this. I really wish so
Guilt didn't stay with me long, so shameless me. I went into the house back and tried to sleep again
Just want to forget what happened in the morning
While sitting in auto to reach office saw a school bus
I checked time..it is 9.55a.m
Can't say in these cities when children goes to school...may be it is also like office..they go in shifts or whenever they want to...
I wanted to get into the bus and hold the window and peep outside
Am I lost. I feel very uncomfortable while writing somethings
I dunno when I developed hatred to wait for lift and food in cafeteria...even to walk alone when it is raining!
mm..

Tillu

swethaaa

swetha ne perulone vundi latha
nuvve najeevithamlo mukyamaina katha
yeppataiki dhachuko nannu nelo devatha
naku telusu ne manusu suthi metha

Cleaning Spiders Today

I just got this new dairy (cute one ah:)) few days back..an empty book with green hut cover on it.
Have been scribbling in it some poems that are randomly bursting out of my high velocity mind....(NEVER LOOK BACK :D)
Its going to be hell lot of work in the next few weeks at office..
I still got enrolled in special aerobic classes at gym..
I was thinking at gym today that, I should write about a typical gym and people, their habits in gym.
And then I wonder how many people go to gym...not many ah! Otherwise, there can't just be 3 to 4 gyms in a techie crowded area.

Looks like my blog got some spiders on it...heee its been long time I visited it :)
I wish I know this computer stuff to repair...I wish I know what was the drive that my sister asked me to clean and reinsert into CPU...I took a month to do it. Finally, when I opened my gmails and face book...you should see my expression. They also got spiders :D It took an hour to filter all the replies for my Ph.D applications. No great news yet..mm

Meanwhile the most crazy thing that is keeping me busy these days is writing poems..
I am writing them everywhere...in office, lunch time, in auto, at home full time...
;) I feel like I am making sweets(poems) for festival (life is like a festival everyday)...

I was trying to remember dad's death day today. When mom was there she used to remind me of it...Now she is not there, I dunno whom to ask.
They both come in my dreams still. Previous day night I dream that she is still alive. I wake up in the morning and thought how great I am. I was proud that I can imagine her so neatly moving in my dream, talking to me and hugging me. What else I want. I would sleep forever for this.

 Orhan Pamuk's "Snow" is taking me to sleep these days. Its a scary novel for me. Too much english is scary sometimes..I read and read the same line and then in between I sleep. Nice logic to get u sleep..more powerful than any soporific medicine. Note this Insomniacs! Buy Snow book thats it!

And hyderabad has got some interesting news as summer is almost in the verge of closing its shop. People over here are buying mangoes everyday as if all mango trees will stop producing them next day. They see at them on the road as  if lovers see one last time at each other before leaving...summer is leaving! I also bought lot of mangoes today :P I was also one of those people :)

And then our team at office is in full swing these days..they started exploring many places around...they even went to zoo last week.. I am planning to buy a rabbit soon. I think I like rabbits after seeing one at my friend's place. Someone said.."Don't buy rabbits...they die soon and you will be hurt" 
Ha ha...

Oh...Those guys are so much show off..

I kept reading a lot these days
I read so much about 'opinions' column by yahoo bloggers
They aren't awesome but pretty good for a starter like me
They try to correlate stuff like zero and Facebook, TV serials and Indians, and interestingly auto-drivers with vampires. I read them alternatively after every hour one post and try to argue in myself on how they have misinterpreted and how well I can do with that topic.
Oh...Those guys are so much show off..
ha ha..I am also so much show off you see :)
Gonna sleep..this week is packed up with lot of plans :D

Oh well I am here
You know why I am writing today
Because I want to see this tomorrow and laugh at it
Totally gone case isn't it
I am exhausted out of shouting and laughing
These are the best days going on in my life
So much fun everyday
When you are having so much fun you can easily ignore all your little problems around and concentrate better on big problems
Look at me I give fundas now
Single's life is just classic..I am enjoying it

You too have fun guys..juzzzz rockkkkk

Tough Times Make You Tough Girls, Be Proud of Them!

Well
My mind enlightened today
I am in the edge of reaching wisdom
Felt great after sending my sister to new place
Proud that I manged well all the travel and accommodation
Not missing her..infact I dont want to miss her
Again Thanks to all my friends
I do all crap and they listen..love you guys
If there are angels you must be them
Now sitting at home..I feel good being alone
A feeling of missing someone is good..
Alone feeling makes me remind my sister and makes me long for her
Today I felt like an elder sister with responsibility

It was one of the day that I would remember whole life!

Meanwhile I collected some lines which some of them told me today...thanks to them for saying all this..they helps

"ee prapamcham lo entha mandhi mothers leru... fathers leru?
u r better than many...
as gud as any..."


"its just in ur head...
just a month cannot change wt u think about a 25 yr life...
think wt u have achieved...
many look up to u..."



"many wud be happy to have wt u have..."


"see u dont want 100 ppl to believe u..
u want only one..
first stop bothering about them...
they will be of no help.."


"Do u think that... a tank which has lost some water... wud instantly be full again?
it takes time...such a stupid thing takes time..
then this wud surely take time."


"dont behave like a damsel in distress... u r much better than that...
believe in urself.. and things will come to u...
ppl with much worse problems are living with much more hope...
dont change ur attitude like the wind...
have u forgotten... wt u got through...
and wt u have become...
does a 1 month change everything?


"so stop beating urself up...
its just a phase..."


"mujhe sukh na chaahiye, mujhe dukh na chaahiye...
mujhe sukh aur dukh ka milan chaahiye...
sad is part of life...
pull urself up..."


 "see u know all these...its nothing new...
controlling urself is the key..."



"really.. skills etc is all bullshit...
ovetime u get them...
but learning about urself... is the key to success..
and the difference btn good and gr8..."


"see...
it wud bother you for sometime...
but life doesnt stop...
thats the beauty of it..."

Gone out for a date :P

Gonna meet my sweety preethy today..uff after long time.
she asked me "are u really gonna meet?"...he he i guess she doesn't know how much I am dying to meet...
I sometimes wish shilpa is also here...we three were crazy...
I have to tell her today..how much hurt I was on her marriage day..I was feeling so bad that she will go to Australia and I hardly get to see her...and share so many things...our tempo matches all the time..if it wont match we don't care about that stupid tempo...we are far beyond that..

..........

There was power cut when I wrote the above and now I came back after meeting preethy...had fantastic time..see this pic of ours :)

heeee...this post is dedicated to u preetho...

Mom

Cant believe I am back here to speak to myself. Mom and dad are no more sad memories. They are my strengths. Mom the only thing now I feel so personal and sensitive is you, that is why i didn't come back to this blog.

There are many reasons why I am again writing. I wish I had you to share all of them.I miss sharing each and everything with you. Tears are touching my lips when I write this. There are lot of things happening in our lives mom...I love you

Its my year -->

Oh lot of things changed here in blog...they are trying hard to make me write :P its been some time..oh no..its been long time I wrote..lot of things happened ha..I cant believe my 1 year at IISc is ending in next 2 days..doesn't matter where I am heading to..but I treasure the feeling I got at this place. A year I heard, discussed, learn t of all the things which are imaginary for me. I thought people here live in small world of there own..but I came to know in that small world they created biggest possible world and they can do imaginary stuff possible.

Putting together a year, It was damn boring if I compare to my previous years. Mostly focusing on career, family..ohh its horrible if I am not writing the word 'Love' here...hmm..yup it was on gear but you see the other things dominated. W aah..I am making scene now writing a year as if some president who compiles his month or year...doesn't matter again..it was great year for my career..it took new path..falling into mainstream..I was very confused what I would do after Biotechnology masters..now after 3yrs I fallen in place. Now you know I have first few pages for my future biography :P (I wont ever write one till I decide telling all truths :P)

Beside all this, my daily problems with bus drivers, conductors & auto drivers never stopped. I couldn't change them, and they couldn't change me. But I tried and kept trying. I think 2 days back again another conductor yelled at me for asking to give the ticket by paying the right amount of money. He just gave back half the money I gave to him and left without giving me ticket. The other half goes into his pocket and I don't get ticket. This is happening from many months, with many conductors..hmmm..and then I call them back, and give the money again and ask for my ticket..that is where it hurts his ego and he tries to show by yelling on me. I yell back saying 'what is your problem to give ticket by taking money?'...you know all this didn't work. I tried talking to people in bus whenever I get chance that it is wrong to follow this process..surprisingly some are happy to pay less and not take ticket...

Who knows they might think me mad for doing this..

In-spite of all, I tried to neutralize all the stuff around me..and fix my fast moving mind to go in slow pace.

Before starting another phase of life, its nice to remember all my well wishers, friends(pillars), and loved ones.

Love you all so much.
B!ndu

Updates:):P:?

I saw Nights in Rodanthe movie some time back. There was huge storm and rain in the movie in background during most part of the movie. I got a question in mind, why does people live in such a dangerous place? I again thought may be because they like the calmness after storm, or may be they don't fear for death...I dunno!!

Its been two weeks and I am able to think much better and clearer. When I write this I feel so funny as if I am a patient with some disease of 'no clarity'. I understand that I am lucky enough to get the best in spite of all my learning's.

I have no idea still what I will do in future especially when it comes to my career. I am now busy goggling the word 'Industrial Economics' all the time, actually "what is Economics?"...Let me see how I am gonna end up with it!

And yeah I am reading one fantastic book. It is 'Only the Paranoid Survive: How to Exploit the Crisis Points That Challenge Every Company'. This is my third book of CEO's. First one being 'Losing my virginity' by Richard Branson. Something very interesting exists in the books of CEO's. A problem & A solution. This is the books of CEO's about. No matter how interesting they take you through the book, first thing we need to fix before reading is, we are gonna read lot of problems and there wont be any obvious answer for any of the problem. It is always diplomatic. Who knows if I am taking it that way!

My sister said she sent me some surprise gift...I am waiting :)And I took one new mobile for my mom last week...I was so much proud :P

How are my updates?????????????????????????????/

tickling tickling :P

My tears were short lived and I soon fell asleep. Let me just make clear...my tears were after seeing Dear John movie :) I had a wonderful time watching it. My fabulous mind went to those fabulous memories. You can create unique experience in one's life just by doing something usual but with love. I woke up that morning outside my house, looking at the clean and new sunlight on my face. My mom came and gave a big hug when I was still on bed and asked me if I want to sleep more. I said 'yes' and went inside the house and slept again. This time I wont sleep generally. I keep listening to my mom, granny and people in the kitchen. It feels so good. Again I try to close eyes and focus on my beautiful dream. Why wont I dream in such peaceful place..my home! I dream of walking on a lonely road with him at night towards a cafe day in the corner of street...and speak about people somewhere who crush their cars, and those special little details that brought together of us..me not seeing into his eyes...hm..may be this is my first dream date..feeling lil shy and confused if it was right to walk on road at that time, still walking because may be I wont get back that day, it was a feeling mixed with excitement, adventure and somewhere budding love. No walls for this dream, it was silent heart tickling love. My mom again came to me and gave another hug and kiss and woke me!

Unfair world!

I was never so messed up like today in my life. In life we give up something’s, which we want. It is very unfair.
I tried to think sitting calmly with innumerable questions in mind. I hardly know answers for any. I just keep thinking because I don’t like the fact that ‘time solves everything’.
I went down to tea stall and had tea. I felt alone.
I didn’t miss anyone. I missed myself, my previous self.
Maturity is no fun. It takes all the fun.

T. S 3 mins

what is life's greatest treasure?
its nothing but pressure to think about the treasure..

What fills me with emotion?
your one moment thought..contagious

Sweet peace?
you aren't kid anymore..

Comfy, cozy?
keep dreaming till you get wrinkles..

Safe and study life?
I didnt get :( Did ya?

you are lost feeling...

You passed in my mind, when I was eating today at noon.
Mango trees in my campus are filled with annual flowering and I kept moving to them and smelt the fresh, soft, newly formed shimmering mango leaves. They again reminded me of you.
From you my mind went to our mango farm..
You took me and all the cousins in the bullock cart there..
I read in so many weekly magazines, stories of young people sitting under mango tree, eating raw mangoes with salt, and reading some story books...enjoying..
I dreamed of doing like that.
That day when you took me I remember.. I did the same in my own farm, while you went in search of insects harming trees.
Our mango farm was overflowing with mangoes..
We children played, jumped from trees, ate as many mangoes we want, packed a few to take home, and sat back in bullock cart which you drove. Did I ever thought I will miss you one day.
How wonderful relation it was..I wont get back that feeling. Its lost dad.

Master Piece

Days changed in her life. Sarcastic isn't it.
Who knows whether they changed for better or worst and who cares when a gossip is out in spite of what the hell in one's life is going.

Basically I am in a thoughtful mood though I am writing frustrating words, so you may consider this one.

Focus, clarity and blah ..how many people in this world are having? If it is something born in person...I would avoid them in jealousy :P

All big things have a special locus in mind. I used to go to vegetable market in my village which is functional only once in a week i.e on Tuesday. I get ready well and go there, as that was a place where cousins, relatives, a group of my mom's friends, meet and help in choosing good vegetables for a vegetable illiterate (me). And all these people go back home and discuss about each one whom they met in the market. This was the weekly social gathering of whole village for a purpose, but I enjoyed it in many ways. I loved to observe when people bargain, when any shopkeeper gives an extra tomato or ladies finger I enjoy how people show victory on their faces and I would probably make a big story at home if it happens to me. When I was below 5 th standard, I used to search in the same market for something else. They were nothing but match boxes.

Even though I studied in a classic English medium school in town, my friends were all in the village who play with match box covers, custard apple seeds, marbles and many games with sticks. So my favorite game was matching "match box covers". I needed different types of match boxes with hero faces, dog, cat, pen marks on them. To collect them I used to wake up early in the morning and go to the market, underneath some small bunk shaped shops and look for empty thrown match boxes, then tear the corners and start playing in the evening. Mom hates this game, as I roam around collecting match boxes on roads. Everyday I played this game wonderfully and won box full of match box covers. One fine day my mom who was upset with my behavior from a long time, thrown my achievements in cooking fire. I didn't eat that day. I didn't play again with those master pieces.

"2" s can change India :P

I wanted to leave early. Just like that, to relax for some time in front of hostel common TV and sip some tea, and have conversation with the cook about today's menu..if in good mood ask the recipe. At 5.30 p.m leaving from lab is like doing biggest sin in my life, although my whole day went with just browsing all possible time passing sites. " Everyday doesn't come under working day"..I say this to myself when I don't have any work. Looking for my bag on the table, and also peeping a lil into boss room, I slowly walked out.

I stopped looking for the seats in the bus after the day one lady forcefully pushed me from the foot board on to road, as she found my little presence may bus burst. Fine I never get any place to sit. Today also the same. But I was in high spirits, I didn't care about it. On the way planned about what to do this evening.

As I walked form the bus stop towards hostel, I recalled if I have to buy anything form the shops outside. I relaxed. No need. My purse was already empty except for few basic rupees.

Just gave a thought ..will I need a recharge, at least ten rupees. Mm..yeah I will need today. In good mood people rush in mind. I love sharing happiness. Thanking Vodafone for understanding my basic rupees condition in mind, went ahead.

Watching TV become tiresome when remote doesn't work. I felt I am shedding my calories changing channels. Gave up anyways, came to room.

I have to execute the plan now. Damn!..she is sleeping..my roommate who is leaving the hostel in a day forever and who bought a new book in to the room just previous day. I have only a day to somehow ask it form her and read it completely and give it back to her. I dunno whether she would be ready to give or not..after all her new book.."2 states" by chetan bhagat.

I saw the book on her table. Books are irressistable sometimes..especially when I remembered how I finished "Five point someone" in some hours, I couldn't wait anymore. I have to wait till she wakes up. As I sat many things went in my mind.

Yeah there exists book addiction..

Finally got up and took the book. I think she understand how desperate I was to read it...she said nothing after she woke up.

Book was great, although I don't want to write reviews of books in my blog, I find "2 states" as a must read for a change in Indian marriage system.

Meanwhile being visiting IIMA a couple of times, it was very easy to picture the scenes the novel was describing.

Like "2 states" , I guess we need a book "2 religions" for better India.

Stone laughs aloud!

When he saw that stone inside a bush in some corner, he loved it.
He doesn't know to shape it. He never want to give it a shape.
He started giving love. Silently stone enjoyed the pleasure of being loved.
It was shaped in years.

"People shaped me, in their day to day life. Situations shaped me, your love shaped my heart, in that dead stone" the stone's words to that boy.

Polishing of stone!
He is different person now. A new stone owner.
Stone needs polishing. I think it needs some thing that keeps it busy whole life.

Love? stone laughs aloud!
!!
After all it is just a stone..