You are on game

I feel I am walking on a small bird wall surrounding a huge well. So careful life has gotten.
I know my sister would be laughing at this line. Probably in next few lines. She talks about my english in blog. I hardly concentrate on it. It is unlike office mails...I can scribble myself. And then, the reason for that carefulness is only to not to make few mistakes. Just not again!

Its been 18 hrs I have not lied down on bed. I still stick to this computer as lizard to wall. I want to talk a lot about 'confidence' today.

That very word brings in emotions in me. Arises the character, discipline and self-respect in me. If being confidence is showing up to the world that you have confidence, then being silent with confidence is above that to me. Agree or not, but it takes lot of courage to remain silent. But I question to myself when is that a person should be showing his/her confidence..is it necessary to show..the necessity of showing confidence comes from the lack of confidence in opposite person. Then, it is asked my the opposite person to show some confidence. You are on a game then..in fact a poppet show. I should be send to forests. Because I know all of you and most of the world agree with this. Never mind I still have to survive and will survive and my confidence comes from love and I will have to preserve it all my life.


May be I know less about confidence. Ha ha...I must be appearing less confident in knowing more about confidence.

Perhaps I should sleep. My roommate always says..I speak very weird before hitting my bed...Oh..she will come back tomorrow..such a relief..

In between my fingers the cold is like jandu balm on nose... :P

Spiritual Womb

Have downloaded payslips of my previous company.
Watching life of some tribals in travel trendz. Muddy faces of those kids. With Malaria and their parents take them to spirit curer. They draw trees, animals on mud..with two hands clearing the mud and starting to draw. I too made such houses in sand sometime. I couldn't recall when. I wish I had some one, some of my village friend who remember all of what I want to remember. Poor or rich all the kids in villages play same games. Village games. I in this world of cities wishing to understand but not comfortable with.
I have seen people like me living, creating something else, something interesting in this world, creative and my mind asks me with its all emotions what is that creativeness I want to give to make my life easy in this cities. These cities wants you to offer something in order to make you happy or easy to live with. I am happy for all the people in that race to offer it something. They are at least trying to give something. I am also giving. My frustration! Telling with kind words to my heart that, it only hurts when I think of myself. It doesn't hurt at all if we think from others perspective for themselves. Believe, trust, remember always you are only you...not all of others. Just you!
Last time I was in flight to Delhi, I had this strange feeling. To eat nachos. Cheese nachos! It was morning flight and at 7a.m eating nachos was so unhealthy as per my mind. I still was hungry and nothing else in menu interested me. I asked for Cheese nachos and she gave me jalapeno flavor or something and I cursed like it was some generic medical shop, where they replace your tablets with other alternative based on the availability. Oh my science!

Filled four page PF withdrawal form in last one week and every time I take a pen and fill each information on each day, I start feeling like I am some big man sitting at old age and claiming some pensions or something. Yeah I dunno why that feeling was. I want to ask someone to try the same and see if they feel so.


My room mate asked me few days back, what I am going to do with that ginger shampoo I bought from body shop. I told her that I am gonna save it. She reminded me of the eye allergy I got upon using it. I told her that happened in winter, so I want to check how the shampoo will work in summer, so I better save till then. Poor she...he he..like her reaction..shock, surprise...some look someone give to a weird scientist. Then I got this in mind..am I really gonna try. Ha ha...

Sugar street I am still reading. Kamal has becoming my favorite and I started liking him as the story moved. Conversations are the best way to pass the historical knowledge and olden lifestyle. I want to have a spiritual friend with whom I can talk some philosophy that comes to my mind so often and be like a silent wave in a womb. Many friends are giving babies..no wonder I use womb to describe philosophy. I strongly like something in a person. I strongly hate something in the same person. Neither I want to change any nor I want the person to change any. What does I want from people!
When my ideas and thoughts are easily understood and I am never treated as alien then I only am called a person that everyone finds easy and likeable. There is honest and unsentimental heart inside.

Eras will pass away and I would think of something and say this is life..nothing much is really important!!

I wil post it!

Not so odd feeling to watch movie alone in a theater.
Except that I was a boy it would have been much easier...to make up people's mind that lonely bum roaming around..but thankfully I booked last minute ticket and made sure I am sitting alone after an empty row. Not to be safe, just to avoid passengers with popcorn.
Thanks to my extra enthusiasm on that day, otherwise how I would miss harper and madeleine..thanks to geographic channel. They made me remember my old past which I now hardly could remember. Those old days when I wrote everyday a letter and posted in the post box in front of temple and prayed every time to reach safely. Ha ha...once my friend raji, when I asked her to post the letter for me..she also did the same..she told me later in college. I felt safe that day that the letter will reach. I did grow up so much to take them so quite enough that they do not even make minute impact on the present life. I had to accept in this life that I would never have loved writing so much except for them. I was creative, I had fallen in love with words, I do remember opening dictionary and going through each page especially the page starting with letter "B" and finding some precious word in that. And then, it continued..I happened to follow the same for quite some years..may be till last two years...not so creative..but much more emotional, much easily conveying feelings..then only I realised...I was always alone and far from the people I loved all the time...all the time...even now..ha ha. Never mind I got this blog. But I still love writing to show some love in letters..mm..When two people create a world, through an imaginary way and could get lost in to that through letters..they often can easily get away to worldly tensions and just be two small frogs in their small letter pond...I still don't understand how and when painful elements arise and bite the relationships..especially the most loving ones. Better we all know to fall in love again and again with our loving ones. Though this glittery world around shows those colorful boats in front, the boat that takes you home and waits for you may not necessarily be as fascinating as you dream of, but surely its all worth it. Wait for your boat and also make sure you try those colorful boats for a short distance..because you only appreciate things better later for one million reasons. One million reason! it is so funny! I sometimes feel this number are just like money...even when I want to describe something in numbers..they sound like money and the more big I tend to write the more worried I feel. May be there is number phobia with me.

I then opened my notebooks, I kept collecting unnecessarily spending my excess but never enough salary. All books are empty except for 2 or 3 pages. Some with scribbling of huts, river, fishes, some lines drawn in some mood..I dont remember when.

To whom should I write a letter? Who would want me to write? Who would wait for one?..
m..........mm.....ahhh...haaa!

Then I write with same enthusiasm bending into the book. I look lovely!

Abstract kind of thoughts
Again
Cold as brain damager
Lost count on degrees they only drop everyday
Yet another day
Spoke to Pip and kissing him goodnight
I turned into loneliness back, dark sack!
My CV infront
Weirdly they show me two souls
Did they die for this?
I live with it now
I can live without it too
Guilt kills me till today
Every minute may be
I am going home in week
Two pongals went quickly after you slept in mud
But I still freshly think of my drawings with muggu infront of our house
On pongal
I stand less confidently after seeing other kids muggu
And you come and stare at it for so much time
With mesmerising eyes
Do you think how your daughter has grown?
And you say you want to take a photo and send it to news paper next day
My datura flower drawing was such a blissfull thing for you
I want it all mom
come back
tonight
just tonight
get up and come