Past Present Future

After restless moves on bed, I woke up to write something if it would make me feel easy

Had bad headache after ‘teri meri kahani’…I summarize the movie as: A movie that decided human average lifespan is 50-52, as the hero and heroine reborn every 50yrs to unite again.. Crap!!

Here it is not working in one life only…and he shows same person in every life. All fake.

Yeah it was a sick movie and was again one tiring day though was fun meeting new people always.

After 2 or 3 years life would be something new and different. Things change. For good, for bad! Mostly for good, because bad is always behind good and we better see its other side. And Love! Doesn’t have any shape these days. My motivation to write had been taken up by climate. I am waiting badly for some rain now and some cold breezes to make me remember any nice things that might have come up anytime to my mind. I think I am a great at motivating myself…in past how I depend on people for this! In fact now I feel I am the best…and people’s influences doesn’t work much on me these days...as I stopped taking anyone as my role model. I don’t see like that anyone anymore. Standing on your feet and shout to yourself every single time...’You are your role model..because role model's do make mistake in life and you cannot change them..but you can always change yourself'!

Well that is new these days…but I don’t talk much…and there are times when people started asking me to talk. In office too… I started talking only when I know that I might make sense. Am I afraid or am I wanting to make an impact on each word I say… I go silently sit at my desk and work like I am programmed to do so…like a robot. I don’t feel like going home till the work gets completed. Yeah abnormal to me or with me…but all the people around me are being programmed...in fact well programmed with all this long ago. I don’t want to spend my money…not even on myself. I kept worried from few days about this if I am becoming miser. All your well wishers say it is good to be miser but I think somehow I am acting against my genes. This miser kind of word doesn’t exist in my parent’s dictionary. May be genes too change! One of my friend say’s that I have learnt this habit because the people surrounding me are so. I don’t agree with that much because I once lived with a girl during college for two years, who was miser than any human I saw so far and I never changed myself like her. But I like her always…after all two years of life we shared. The point is where this thing came from…hmm…

Past Present Future

In a communication session at office…trainer told my tenses are wrong...she said I use more of past tense when I have to use present. I told her thanks for noticing. But, I really wanted to tell that…that is how I am living…always in past…thinking of the good times and not even talking about present and may be I can never talk in future tense. Well, she appreciates my thoughtful conversations always and all my assignments…she once told me ‘your thoughts make me feel like a rebel’…Like I give a damn about people’s praises around which generally come for the sake of saying...I just kept quite. Yeah quiet!

Know Forest Rules~

Relative but not similar!

In Gurgaon, when you are outside your house, you should always know one thing. You are entering into forest zone, where people like animals (I respect them a lot, but to make my point understandable I write so) see you. Actually they are not bad animals, they see because we are so civilized that we do not know how to deal with them. Likewise, when we go out here fully dressed, they see us like some new objects and on top of that, we go in to their forest, and ignore them. Surely some thing that hurts them. So, we have these cars and vehicles which will not allow us to open a window at the site of those animals. And we protect ourselves from them all the time. It surely triggers one day or the other day, let them get down and walk on the road, we will catch them. Yes, no wonder they do that, and we all cry they rape in Gurgaon. Its we, who are triggering all of this. We are raping their minds everyday creating lot of frustration.

When I came here, many people scared me. Surprisingly even I was worried for a while, though I was very confident that I can deal with people anywhere. I removed the objects of gold from body and wore simple clothes, whenever in doubt of people covered myself with shawl and kept quiet. But, I want to understand them. To make my life easy and their life easy.

The cab guy when I asked to take left to enter into the society where I live, he suddenly said in hindi, with sarcastic tone, we guys don’t know how all live in this much big places… I was a bit worried and then said, not many must be having their own house, and many must be on rent. I think he felt better, he said Oh ok. They are unhappy more not that they don’t have them, but because, we all are showing them off so much and make them feel more undeserving. But, the civilized people are too busy to understand and care for their worries. So, life sounds hap hazard here, and on top of that weather doesn’t support any. However, my experiment to understand this gave me many insights.

Just close to my apartment, there is shopping mall and some vegetable shops outside. You can call malls here are the most secluded places, hardly people go and they are everywhere like small shops on road. Every half kilometer you have an alcohol shop and we have two such shops around this mall. It was 7p.m, I know that it was very unsafe to walk on road. Wearing my formal pant and a simple t-shirt, I walked out of my society, not carrying any purse, only a mobile and some money in hand. I got out of society and reached main road. There was no one around, no sign of auto. I saw a sharing auto from far and tried stopping, but they saw me like something new and in shock, donno they didn’t stop. I wanted to go to nearby shop to buy charger for my mobile. I decided to walk. After crossing one wine shop, I was scared and was thinking if I am being stupid, was that wrong thing to come out at that time. But, now that there was no option, I walked, when some bike was going beside me, I thought they might pull me and was also imagining what if a car comes and stop beside me. Now I saw some crowd far, and walked towards them, showing no sign of fear on face, or in my walk. Once I reached the shop, I found no girl around…but many men walking here and there. I saw a woman coming back from her work, looked like she works in some construction place, her clothes were muddy. No one where seeing her. People after sometime stopped seeing at me, but where surely wondering how come this human entered forest.

How do I prove to them that they are also human?

But after that day, my fear on this people reduced to a huge extent. I feel they need some one like them around them. Like when I go to my village, I wear the clothes acceptable to them, not that I cannot show off or wear what I like, but to respect them and be one of them. To receive the love they can give when they feel I am one of them.

The destructing causes of human like jealous, frustration, stress are abundant at this place. Over the years this things are going to change but the root causes will affect the quality of living on a huge basis, disturbing the mankind’s whole purpose.

It not that bad to live in a challenging place like this! You need a movement to make people more calm and more serene. I think we need collective movements. It can change.

I got a dream this early morning..a romantic one I should say, and it triggered some new thoughts in mind.
I started researching them from morning and know what to do. I was reading about human hormones and conditions that avail them the opportunity of dreaming romantic things. What are the conditions that triggers mind to think like that...to even get a fancy thought like that. And I asked all the questions on this Google to find what is this obsession on a single person at a single time...and I want all of you to know this too...I am astonished I found some video like this which answered many of my questions this morning gave me..
Check below video...

by the way u wanna know my dream? :P

I am no bird
Then why do I need a cage
I am not poor with brain
Then why do I need looks
I am a girl
Then why do I need to be a geek
I know to write
Then why should I be upset when something hurts
I know there is this sky
Then why should I keep my thoughts flooded on earth
I felt you near
Then why should I sail the world

Oh Baker...you really convinced me :P

and more this week.....

and...
I know to love
Then why do I not need you

You all know this!

Basic instincts of human have reached to an extinct that no longer people are using them to survival alone but also for the best survival. Brains have reached to an unbalanced level of usage by many that, once I thought we use brain only to deal very complicated issues in life. As generations are moving ahead giving the maximum stress to brain, this in turn is affecting the rhythm of heart and followed by all possible human complications.

The sole purpose of living is to be kind to others. Often we all forget this. Forgetting this has leaded us to life with the word ‘stress’.

Stress is something that becomes heavier as u hold. It is like a small book when hold for few hours it gives some pain, and when you hold for a day it will become heavier and heavier. The point is at the end of the day it is still the small book. The longer it is hold the heavier it became. And all problems in life need to be sorted by breaking them in to bits. If you want to hold many books and stand for days, it is just going to be miserable. In order to beat stress, the alternative way man has chosen is being alone. The less people around, the less complications and the less stress to deal with. But we humans are not made for this. We are made to deal with the stress by sharing and receiving acts of kindness, by helping others to relieve their heavy weights of stress and in turn receiving the same from them. Some nice people say, keep helping without expectations. Though it is a right statement where many people believe in helping each other, it doesn’t make sense in the current world. Does people who want to share and help each other doesn’t belong to this stress attacked generation? What is the condition of the world when everyone is stressed and no one wants to share anyone’s stress and everyone wants to be alone? Are we chasing ourselves to hit this zone?

When I went with my father to see our crops I see the canal flowing with full of water, and in summer afternoons when I go to play with water, I see the canal inside the village, and when I go to the beside villages I see the same canal flowing along with me. This I never realized but gave me a sense of continuity. I liked seeing lotus flowers in that water, though I always know they are meant to decorate god, I use to found them sexy with long petals and pink color, always in water floating between green leaves with water droplets. I think I was trying to be sexy from childhood, I had lotus petals in my books and on each petal my name written…they smelled good too….what else we want :P

In villages not only humans are ready to share their stress but also the composed nature. Those leaves which move with breeze may take along with them some of our stress air.

After the school, we use to catch some flies and tie them to a thread and run along with them…who remembered all those beatings from teachers that day school gave…were we beating the stress of school by doing this..? How are school children dealing with this now?

Stress is waiting with something in its store for each one of us. The way it needs to be dealt is well understood and established long ago, we only forget them though we know.

A memory of Teenage..

On a rainy day, after school, clear sky, teenage, I think 9th standard, I remember walking alone to the bus stop.
That town was new to me. My previous school was also in the same town but it was in outskirts and I never really needed to walk on those streets which I started walking after changing school.

Scared on men, especially college going guys. Use to watch the shops, especially clothe shops which displayed nice salwars..colorful were they. Just as I was about to reach the bus stop there was a shop with a white salwar having green sleeves with white dots. I hardly had any salwars and dreamt so much of having that white and green one. Everyday I saw, never missed. And one day, when some aunt gave me 500 rupees, I told my mom I will buy that dress. I bought it to wear every saturday to school....I still remember feeling shy in that dress first time, with duppatta on me, very girly feeling, I donno what it was..and then I also remember one of my classmate telling me 'I like you in white and green dress' :P

And one day in the English class, where my Principal was the teacher, I happened to sleep. I was wearing the same dress. We were sitting on the floor and I kept my elbow to the ground and hand below chin and slept sitting.

My classmates no one woke me, English teacher left the class after his period, though he noticed me he didn't try to wake me. And my classmates went on a break and came back, and I was still sleeping in the same position. Then came the maths sir, his name was Amir and he was taller than the class door and had to bend his head to get in to class. Very strict but he knew so much maths. I didn't wake up even when he came in. Then one guy..he was the shortest guy in class, he suddenly pulled my hand and I I fell down hitting head to floor. I woke up in shock and realized what happened, and was very hurt that my classmates didn't woke me and were having fun show throughout the time I was in sleep. That day I got my life's first painful slap from math's sir. I used to cry for weeks whenever I remembered this...But then, I scored decent in my maths only because of him...

I sometimes feel I never changed even a bit from many years. My village has taken me in to its heart and protected my innocence and love. Those dark eyelids of my mother's eyes sometimes still come in my dreams very clear.

Why are we running in this world...does any one even know that clearly!

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