How much big should a problem be for a person to be worried big

I dont know

I feel I can worry big even if it is a small problem

For what I went through in life, shouldnt the current life feel like the most blessing

But I still worry big

Self introspection is so hard and to think why we think in certain way and to know why we act certain way is the most complicated inspection

I think someone out there can simplify this for me and just tell me why I am worried and why I shouldnt be

Life really doesnt work that way

All these ten years I had one strong wish to never become weak in life, weak I mean mentally

After mom's death and what I went through during those times that was only wish I had

I fear sometimes if I will go back again through such phase

It is scary, mainly because that phase feels like never ending...and so lost.

If people around you are not enjoying the way you are and you have to change and you bloody dont know how to change, then comes the real problem..

I wish to travel somewhere far and  just feel myself..hug myself out and say I will be alright.

Going out is nice

I don’t know if I should call it kind of loneliness or just the times we are in
Staying at home is definitely not my thing
Today I went out with a friend and got hair washed, had lunch in a food court with my favorite ice lemon tea, it was raining outside and I felt soo good.
I bloody miss amazing company of friends in the past but I don’t want to complain.. I am happy I can go out, sit in a restuarant, sip favorite drink and stare at people passing by.
I kind of stopped reading books, listening to music.. after being addicted to them for few weeks or so. Maybe they are just corona lock down things.. once lock down is a bit relaxed I am going out and living life normal.. I really don’t bother now if Ravi gives me enough time or he plays his games... I seem to have my life back....
Junnu is now crawling and I have back ache bending all the time to pick him from pulling wires of tv and laptop. Ravi trimmed his hair with trimmer and he sat quiet all the while except for last few minutes.. he was bored by then. He doesn’t look very different without much hair. He got 6 teeth and two of his front teeth looks exactly like Ravi. I can’t stop wondering how capable is single cell of human is.
I am on one month leave and just chilling at home. Going out at times.. Not going out for a while might have made me talk less interesting stuff with people. It is practice I believe. Meeting more people gives us more interesting things to talk. Now staying at home I talk about junnu and myself.. somewhat about ravi.. nothing much other than that. I still keep wondering if singapore is the place I want to be for few more years.
Oh the other day I went crazy and been to post office.. got lot of envelopes, stamps, printed some pictures from insta and wrote notes in cute cards and posted them to many dear ones in India and US..
Posting letters felt good.
Back then I wrote so many letters to back then boyfriend. He had them saved in a big suitcase. I wonder sometimes what he would have done with it. Anyway I don’t think I can write like that again. I was super creative and so much in love. In love words flow free. I think I wrote this line before... in a post called blank.. patting my back for my memory..
So in the village all the nieces are back from city to avoid virus and are having so much fun. They keep calling me to see junnu and also they want to talk to ravi all the time.. he teases and plays with them and they love it.
I really don’t have interesting things to say.. I sing songs, read books to Junnu most of the day.. I sing an african lullaby “olele olele moliba makasi “.. he comes close to me when I start humming it.. he knows it is sleep time. He jumps on the bed and smiles sometimes...I lose my mind. I cannot believe my mind started to process this much happiness in a day with normalcy. It is overwhelming but I am used to overwhelming amounts of love load. Someone who is sad out there don’t be jealous...and sincerely wish every human on earth to be able to go through this parenting emotion. I even felt the other day if something happens to me.. I am ok.. I feel I am given everything in life and have seen many things so far. It is such a beautiful life.

Junnu will be 11 months this week

Junnu can now wake up from lying down position on his own.
The other day after his dinner around 6.40pm I went inside the kitchen to refill his food and by the time I returned he was in sitting position.. I was shocked because he was lying flat when I left him. Immediately went and check the video camera and just caught him in action.. he sat so quickly and easily that was amazing.
I keep thinking he will read these posts someday and probably ask if there is that video, I should remember to save it. But sometimes I also wonder if he will become someone who really dont bother about all these things. Either way I am excited for him.
He looks a lot like his father now a days..
Just before he want to sleep he tries to laugh loudly at any silly thing we do.. even just rolling eyes can tickle him, and then we know that he is sleepy
And when I put him to bed beside me, he keeps coming close and close I dont know how much more he can come because there is no more space between us and then he starts drinking milk, once in a while he looks at my face lifting his head and he does something so cute. He smiles from the right corner of his lips with warm eyes. I think I am going to miss that smile as he grows, it is cute, a bit funny and at the same time proud.
All his hugs, kisses, innocence is washing away any pain this heart ever had.
You will be my love for this life Junnu.

Cosy times

I went into the kitchen
Silently took the Japanese roasted rice green tea powder and turned on the stove.
Bent a bit to open the cupboard below the stove and took the tea making vessel.
Noticed it for a while, I have been using it since my wedding and ravi seem to have had it many years before that. I rinsed once with the water and filled half of it with the water and set it on stove to boil. While I waited for the water to boil, I turned away from the stove and looked into the kitchen window to see the nearby tree and wonder for a moment is this what relaxing means. I dont really know. I turn again towards the stove and put a spoon full of tea into the boiling water. While the tea was boiling I once again bent down, this time to just try and smell roasted rice.. I couldn’t smell anything yet but I felt hot water vapors on my face and suddenly it came to my mind, what if a person is very short and standing exactly where I am...maybe they will feel the vapors all the time. Thought it is silly to think like that and when the leaves are completely opened from boiling, I looked for a glass which has white background inside instead of black (I find it hard to see the contents in the glass when it has black color inside, strange but somehow I keep wondering black color inside porcelain glasses is a wrong way to make a glass. I poured my green tea in it and now I can smell roasted rice in it. Sipped it silently while reading a book in kindle.
I like this time.

Junnu sleeptime

Some days Junnu sleeps early
However I will not get to do much work as he doesnt go into deep sleep so fast
So he wakes up every 10-15 minutes once ensure I am around.. at times try to feed once again and otherwise just silently hold my top or put his leg on my leg and sleep
I have started reading books to kill time while I lie down those few hours until he goes to deep sleep
Most of the day I fall asleep by the time he enters deep sleep but when I am awake I read books
My preference lately is to read Japanese books. I am reading men without women by haruki marukami.. first story was so amazing in the book..you will take a break after each story because there is some thinking to do or it is heavy. Now after reading a few stories I feel some what monotonous although stories are new and engaging till the end.
When Junnu is awake I am so confused. I want to play and entertain him but somehow I feel Inam not doing it right. He dont look so engaged.. he enjoy more watching outside through the window and passing cars and buses.
The other day evening it rained so heavily. He was sitting on his baby cot and watched rain for sometime. It was amazing to watch him that way. I felt something different.. I thought how many rains we both will together right.. and even if I am not alive in future he will watch rain.. rain seem to be constant element and at that moment we both watched through the window and loved the rain.
In the middle of the night I am super sleepy but when I wake up I manage to change his diaper. It is a quick art, you need to put on fresh diaper before he starts to pee which I have no clue when. So I quickly take a wet wipe and wipe him, put on the diaper and put his tiny bedsheet on.
At that time of the night I think about my mother. When we were young (almost until we went to 7th grade) we used to wet the bed (both the sisters) and my mother woke up diligently every day middle of the night, took us to bathroom, remove our clothes, quickly shower and put on new clothes, changed new blankets and then put us back to sleep. And by the time we woke up we would again wet the bed. I cannot believe she did that for so long without complaining, and with so much love.
I dont know if I possess that kind of love. 

Uttaram

Manasauku hatthukunela oka uttaram rayalante manasu ah uttaram rase manishiki chala daggaraga unnattu oohinchali
Pakkane undi matladinatlu undali
Chadhive prathi padham dhani artham manasuni metha ga thakali
Chivari padham dagariki raakamundhe malli modatanunchi yepudu chadavala anipinchali
Padhe padhe chandivaka okasari gundeku hatthukovali
Kasepu nidrapogalagali ah hayi lo
Chinna chinna padhalu manushulani yentha anandanisthayo
Ne kaugililo, ne chethilocheyi vesi, yedhuruchoosthu untanu, gurthukuvachavu, choodalaniundi... lanti padhalu
Uttaralaa maaye veru
Malli ne rase uttaram kosam nene yedhuchoosthunna

An angel

It is a shame that I learnt so little from my mother
But then when I think of her she is not some one you want to become.. I mean it is too difficult or too big of a goal yo think of learning from her.. she is one awesome person
When we are fully broken financially and I should say mentally as well, she still has courage to be kind, gentle and helpful to other people. This is something I cannot imagine with myself or have not seen anyone yet with such great quality. Once when I was a a kid, in the nearby village there as fire and entire village was burning...a lot of people where coming back from the village passing through ours and I remember so many small children crying and some were even alone. My mother went to that village so brave, she invited a lot of people to our village, provided them food and more importantly she was always there in the school they are sheltered. Actually I dont want to continue telling what all she did to people, I can never finish.. she is just selfless and was there for anyone who needed help.
I have to accept the fact that I dont belong anywhere close to her great personality.

Trust me this note is for self

How much I know myself
I am a sucker for nice smells... I am damn particular about my shower gels, shampoo and perfume.
I keep changing shower gels and shampoos but perfume it is rare I like something.. I have two favorites 1. Lacoste femme and 2. Bodyshop white musk
I love travelling and I love researching airbnbs
I also like floral stuff.. especially clothes in floral..
I love kids doll dresses..sounds a bit weird but I follow many doll dress designers in insta..some day I want to have a collection of those and also show them to little girls who visit our house as my collection
I love flowers...lillies are my favorites..not indian tuberose but actual pink or white broad petal lillies..they smell divine.. I also think I should decorate flowers and take classes. Once when I took classes I got so bored I mean felt the whole thing so slow.. I want a flower garden in backyard though.
i also think I might be an architect in future..sounds weird right ...but I have this thing in mind for almost 4years now and I love watching certain designs especially those sustainable and basic designs which trigger sense of calmness. i probably think I should join an internship somewhere and see if this is really my area of interest... but then two years ago ravi constructed a house in our village and I have given zero inputs into it.. so yeah I am not sure of this architect them.. probably I might b someone who admires these things
Coming to food..list is not too long but I do have favorites...gongura is the first in the list. I recently realised I love cowpeas..red and black eyed peas, avacadoes, red rice pudding, sesame balls, mango dal, mango instant chutney, tamarind leaf dal, pachimirakkaya pachadi our village style, gutti vankaya.. ice lemon tea.
I think I am simple person and have no expectations from others.. but that is so wrong. I have a lot of expectations and I impose on people even without my understanding..back of mind I keep realising that
My behaviour changes depending on the person I am dealing with..over the years I learnt and realised some people really trigger wrong side of me and I sincerely make effort to avoid them and it had worked out fantastically.
I over promise most of the time, it is just genetic maybe.. I recall my dad doing somewhat like that...people loved him though...anyway I struggle to keep up the promises..both at work and friends/family.
I can save like crazy but at the same time I can spend like hell... so I need to watch out money carefully, plan ahead every month and stick to certain amount of expenses. I still keep missing the agreed amount to myself but I try a lot. Quite stressful and irritating to control this when you know you have something and you dont want to use that money to indulge..
it is sick but I check currency conversion and bank accounts everyday..such middle class habit..but makes me proud always...but sometimes I know nothing changes everyday until my payday but stupid to just check everyday
One thing I do sincerely is genuinely care about cousins.. most of the time I go beyond notmal helpful steps..have been doing this for couple of years now and somehow think back in my mind they will miss me in the absence of this..maybe not
I like pavan kalyan..still always likes his pictures when I see them online.
I always go late to work it..i changed jobs but this hasnt changed. I dont like it myself but I am learning to make peace with it..
My childhood wasnt rosy..my parents had crazy life...involving so many events that all the normal city based people wouldnt understand.. I don’t generally care to explain to most of them
There are scars if I look back but then I dont look back much
I had a few boyfriends before meeting ravi.. I still think only one of them was serious relationship. Even after breakup I was emotionally dependent on him for many years before my marriage..most of them who were very close to me during his time still strongly believe I never got over it and keep asking me if I remember him.
Yes I do, I also talk to ravi about him... its hard to forget someone who was there for significant part your life and if I say I don’t remember I am cheating myself..and why would I do that. Just sharing incidents as I remember feels nice a bit relief. I also wonder sometimes if I see him suddenly how would I react...maybe we both will look old..and I will definitely say hi and ask how he is been all this while.
I consider myself very lucky as well. This strong, independent, gogetter, traveller, multitasker in me wouldn’t have been possible without Ravi.
Like overpromise, act differently with different people, I also think I say something and do something..mostly change myown  instruction. For example I think something, say it but then I forget it after a while and by then I would think something else. The whole chain would be confusing for others but in my mind I think it is super clear..I realised this sometime back and I am working on it. These kind of knowing myself, my weaknesses and working on it has bought it so much confidence and pleasure of being myself. I am loving this exploration.
I have no clue about this whole parenting thing and am constantly doubting myself if I am doing things right..initially I went crazy and slowly getting better..
I have really a few friends over the years and none I can call whenever I want to
I have weirdest relationship with my sister. We love each other when we are far, she is also my best friend and I rarely hide myself to her. But when we meet we are total contrast.. cant tolerate each other for very long... we just know each other too long and annoy hell out of each other. But then once again we go far.. I regret everything and miss her a lot...I think I am working on thus each time and always fail. Some old habits are really hard...
Anyways I hope I learn to change all those things I hate in me one by one and like myself  more with each passing day
If I cant love myself I have no love left for any.

Yentho prema kavali

E lock down yemo kani mari mind ki chala time undi
Kaali ga unte leni ponivi alochistham
Kani 35 vachay kada last month koncham budhigane alochanalu vasthunayi
Age is just a number antaru kani vatitho vache health problems chepparey
Anyway birthday na bujji junnu gaditho cheskunna...naku ravi ki idhariki birthday celebrations antha nachav.. just lazy ga untam but esarendhuko celebrate cheskovali anipinchindi... ala brunch ki velli evening chinna cake cut chesam friends zoom call lo unte...
Chala dhachestham manashulam manasulalo
Nenu kooda
Konni yevariki cheppaleka mari konni cheppataniko siggu padi..
Nenu chala closed person ani e madhye telusukunna
Naku yem kavalo nake teledu
Including prema kooda.. naku prema kavalani nake teledu...yentha stupid kada
Asalu alantidi accept kooda cheyaledu na mind i mean naku prema avasaram ani..
Perigina paristhithulu yela undevante prema secondary.. survival first laga..
Ipudu survival easy avagane yedho missing feeling...
Na friend okammayi cheppindi.. matladethapudu... ninnu college ayaka hostel lo choosa yentha loving person la undedhanivi... anni love stories ye..exciting times ani..
Manchi reminder laga anipinchindi... kodhi rojulu sathayincha love kavali love kavali ani ravitho
Papam yemanukunnado yento chala effort pettadu...pedthunadu...but koddirojulaku stupidity anipinchindi nadhi...you get what you subscribe for.. thanu yepudu antha emotional type kadu.. i knew it..ofcourse kind hearted..and warm to live simple peaceful life.
Anyway love ane need yentha strong ga ye time lo yevariki vasthundo teledu kada
Na junnu gadu ilantivi anni gurthu theppisthunadu
Eroju amma birthday... ravi dinner cook chesadu.. yedho spicy chesadani chalasepu feel kooda ayyadu..
Junnu ki ninna first tooth vachindi... yedho nobel award vachinattu nalo nene murisipoya
Tharvatha kothaga nenu dhooram velthe yedvatam dhaggariki raagane apeyatam chesadu..pichekkipoyindi.. office pani yentho usharuga chesesa..
Yentha andanga unnay days veeditho
“Can u handle this cuteness” ane onesie veskoni bujji bujji ga nidrapothunadu
Vadi hair style vere level.. by birth stylish hair
Intha chinna jeevitham lo inni anandala
Junnu ammaki pedhayaka kooda ipudila yenno mudhulu pettali sarenaaa

Junnu gadi favorite things to do

First he loves to keep everything in his mouth
We started to let him eat by himself, so it is so much fun to watch him keep things in his mouth
His favorite is avacado, safely we can mix it with anything we want to feed, because he loves it
And then, oranges, banana, watermelon, mango and blue berries are his favorite
He is just 8 months old and he wants to stand always..
While drinking milk from amma, he keeps pushing my hand that tries to cuddle him..sometimes he pushes it even with his legs
He has this new jumperoo from swetha pinni and he loves jumping on it
Junnu is teething and his favorite thing to keep in mouth is our fingers..
It is so hard to say which is his favorite toy.. becuase he really doesnt play with one in particular.. a small white rabbit toy from Preethy and hungry caterpillar are his favorites. Also he loves LLama LLama book..somehow he keeps flipping pages and at times he starts to eat it.
His new favorite is watching shadows.. he is so amazed at them...
Not a big fan of video calls, he conveniently ignores anyone on the phone
His grandpa and my sister sings for him to grab his attention
He loves to play in his bath tub.. when there is any toy in it..he doesnt splash water but without toys suddenly he starts splashing..ravi and me lost count of his splashing videos
We got him those small puffs to eat and they stick to his palm center and it is funny how he tries to get rid of them to the tip of his hand..
As soon as he wakes up he gives a big smile.. sometimes he is quiet and doesnt cry after waking up. He just gazes at the sky from window. I feel amused to watch him like that.
He licks my nose and cheeks and I think he is kissing me :D but I might be just a toy..
Oh one more thing.. he loves to watch at my long hair.. makes me not cut them forever.. when I am tying my hair he watches with some kind of amazement...
He always watches leaves moving at the window..
ooooh.. how did I forget how much he loves watching buses and cars from the window.. whole world stops for him when we go to window.. before COVID lockdown..me and ravi used to take him to bus stop and park his stroller so that he can watch moving vehicles on the road for a while..he moves his head right and left along with the vehicles.. I almost worry if he gets neck sprain

The list seems endless.. I will take a break and write again..
Junnu babu...is growing so fast...
filling our hearts with so much warmth and love

Junnu babu

I read somewhere that someone kept a weekly record of the baby and all the cute things they did
I am amazed that someone can do that so easily
Everyday junnu does so many cute things I really cant recall what he did yesterday.. there are just so many..
I just feel lucky every second I see him.. do I even deserve so much happiness!
I dont know what and how kids become when they grow up and when they are small they are nothing but born to make parents so happy..
For all the people whom I was upset when you asked about having kids.. I am sorry I really didnt kno what you meant.. now I know.

It is the corona virus time every where but who cares, I can work from home and be close to my junnnu. After my whole emergency during pregnancy made me learn one thing to live today. I really don't give a shit about tomorrow.

Even today around 5pm I was thinking I have no regrets if something happens this minute. I am super happy with what I have in life and have been this way for quite sometime.

Call me weird but I think, mothers fight so hard to make their children eat, sleep and just live. I think me being 35yrs old should have made my mother happy or maybe content. If I am there on Junnu 35th birthday that would be craziest thing and so much fun.

I actually wanted to write some other stuff but now I cant recall it.

Junnu is holding my dress and sleeping beside me. He just learnt to hold my dress while sleeping so I wont go anywhere. He also puts a leg on my leg just to ensure I am around. Since this morning he was fake crying to get attention and his daddy was laughing entire time taking videos. Sundays are Junnu favorites.. because both mommy and daddy are constantly around and giving him all the attention.

Anyway the whole experience is so surreal.. I kind of feel there is parallel world now. How on earth these kids can come and make life so beautiful.. what was that all before they come? Is it like another world in those parallel words..

Junnu amma loves to the farthest star and back! I also dream by the time you grow up space travel would be just a normal thing and we both can go around and visit some planets!

naa Arjun

Clock is ticking in the background..going to be 2AM soon
I just checked tenth time if there are any mosquitoes in Arjun's net
I can't fall asleep easily today..infact for some days
I am too happy to sleep I believe
Our little Arjun arrived on 06th of August this year.
What a beautiful journey since his arrival
Such new joy life brings
As he stretches his hands and sleeps beside me, I feel so content and at the same time amused at his cute ways
He is 4 months two weeks now and can smile.. sometimes he smiles at people as if he has to smile becuase of expectation.. I wonder how he knows that
I could have never imagined such a cute boy in my stomach.. he is a peaceful boy...
I read to him "the hungry caterpillar" by Eric every day and he looks at the book so carefully
Going to office is the tough part of the day..somehow I am managing home and office
When I see him in video camera at work, I just close my laptop and run home..
It is like teenage love... unable to stop...I miss him even when he is sleeping on my lap..
Ravi is also madly in love with this boy and I cant stop admiring the way they bond...it is special.
I try not to dream his future, infact not even mine. I just want to live this minute.
There are days I thought about my mother and how she would have felt having me as her first child...I think that she would have stared at me at night while I slept..just like how I do now with Arjun.
Giving birth at 7th month and going through the emergency room for the first time in life, did give me new perception to life. Doctors in Singapore say "you will have fits followed by stroke if we dont do c-sec and remove the baby", just like "hey how are you".. When I first heard that sentence, I was all alone and I remembered shivering for 5 minutes. I had some time to prepare myself, but then what was I preparing for. Death was easy thing, living is hardest. I didnt regret anything that moment..infact I felt like women are prepared somewhat mentally they could die during delivery. After surgery, I didnt had a connection with the baby.. when I went to see him in NICU two days after his birth, I cried..I cried with guilt of not being able to give birth to perfect child..he had so many tubes around his body. One month in NICU went on somehow, swetha being in town, then pavithra, geetha.. sister made my life easy. I started working 2.5 months after delivery. Although I didnt sleep continously atleast 4hrs in last 4 months, I love it.

Retire and do what..?

When do you all want to retire in life?
I sometimes wonder probably 40 yrs is a good time to retire.. so I can just laze around for another 60yrs (really optimistic of how long I would live). But I really think with the current speed of earning and no spending.. one can save enough to live forever by 40yrs.
So how much do we need to save to live 60yrs .. a simple life..in a village or in a city.. let's do the math..

So, for one person 5.4 crore is enough to live in a metro city for the entire life. Probably costs will go up, but imagine all the money 5.4crore is in a bank with a 7% fixed deposit, the inflation should be able to cover that up.
So imagine a person is able to save 40lakhs per year (giving a high amount by average year on year increase in a person salary for 13.5yrs), he/she can retire in next 13.5years from now. For example, if I take my case, I am 34yrs now, I can retire in the above scenario by 48yrs..

Actually, my calculations suck. Now I don't like this idea. 60yrs is probably too long you know. Cut short to 30yrs. Then I can retire in 7yrs.. which is when I am 41. Actually, that is perfect.

Retire and do what..?

Nothing really.. just get bored.. eat people's head...think of food all the time and hop on to past memories and kill time.... most of all maybe travel sometime.... none of the hobbies is long lasting so killing time might be so hard... maybe once I have kids.. I can be full-time mom.. but that sounds horrible and lazier.. taking naps when kids go to school.. pick them from school... feed them.. and what else watch serials..gossip with women around.. sucks...everything sucks.

Let us say if I go back to our village....maybe lifespan cutdown to another 10yrs i.e. total cutdown 60yrs/2-10yrs=20yrs...(villagers know how to kill you by making mentally weak..it is a skill)...I can retire in the next five years and get into that melodramatic life.. action packed.. weird gossips..sometimes life-threatening... What will I do in a village... go to some college in a nearby town and teach what I learnt while working... go to fresh farms to buy vegetables...wait for cousins to come to the village during holidays... decorate the house and make a cosy place..start Airbnb...
Or maybe just do nothing... cook, eat, watch tv and gossip (realistic scenario).

Or maybe.. travel the world after 40 and never come back.

It is too early to decide on all of this.. but when is the right time? Will I ever think of retiring in my life and do something which doesn't require a routine!

Love for Travel...

This morning after breakfast I watched a small documentary of a small tea stall old man from Kerala traveling around the world with his wife. They look like they are in their 70s and he was so passionately talking about traveling in spite of his fewer earnings.

Reminded me of myself in terms of passion. I see a lot of people being passionate about traveling around me. For me, it is quite different and each time I experience some series of events.

1. Before the trip: I will suddenly come up with a place... triggers could be anything...maybe I saw a show in tv and I thought the place is beautiful... maybe I saw some friend going there or maybe I know a friend living there... Then I propose this to Ravi. Ah.. he is not that much into traveling..mainly because he is traveling Monday to Friday throughout the year on business.. it is unfair to push him to travel for a vacation. After coming back from business trip.. he sees sofa at home like one sees sunset by the beach.
So there are times when I plan on my own. Frankly, it takes some courage to decide that, but again I always remember I am born to live my life.
Tickets booked.. and then I spend days not planning the trip but only looking at the accommodations. I basically clear out everything I am not keen on and finally choose somewhere I think a) I can create the memory for myself b) Choose a host in Airbnb from whom there is something to learn
Accommodation booked and if there are any visa stuff, I take care of them, at this point it pinches that I am spending a lot ;) But it is going to be worth it.

2. Few days to Trip:
All excited, I would have shown the place I am gonna stay to every friend of mine and everyone at work.

3. On the day of the trip:
Today is the day I scold myself for all the trip plans, mainly because I hate flying. It is so damn scary. Actually I kind of used to hate it but never scared. Ravi once told me when we were in a flight, he is scared of flights and he has picked this from his friend KC. WOw.. that shit got me. Since then I am shit scared..every flight entry is like "I am gonna die". Every touch down is like athiest saying "THANK god I am alive this time!"

4. During the trip:
Mostly do nothing if I am alone.. find some nice place to eat and hang out... talk to Airbnb family and just chill out.. if there is a beach or mountain I watch the sunset and roam a bit in the city.
Sometimes, I think how far I have come in my life.. always trying to understand in each place why locals like living there.. what is that so compelling.

5. Coming back day:
Generally never sad to be back to Malaysia and home. I love Malaysia and it is always nice to be home. But again flying sucks. One thing I think in my mind on that day is..do I want to return to this place sometime again?

Finally what I hate doing during a holiday are....and what I say to people....
Trekking (you guys suck if you had made me trek), packed full day sightseeing plan (go yourself, I am not in)... Eating cheap bad food to just save on holiday (Not coming with you again)



Here are a few lines about places I went so far...

1. India: Hello I am born here. it probably is me.
2. Malaysia: Mic drop. I want to live here rest of my life
3. Singapore: Second most hated country... but I don't hate it now as much as I used to.
4. Indonesia: Bali will be my most favorite relaxing vacation ever.. been there 5 times and love it each time, especially people. Lombok is a special place too.. my first island solo travel.
5. Thailand: Amazing food, people are ok. A lot of shopping.. Do I want to return often... meh..not really..depends on the company..alone maybe not.
6. Philippines: Went there immediately after the wedding.. stayed in fancy places but have not been to beaches..which are popular.. anyways.. I never felt like going back there.. felt too crowded and expensive.. a lot of junk food
7.Vietnam: Been there more than 20 times in the last 5 years on work.. third most visited country.I have a love-hate relationship with this place.. I like the vibe in the HCMC city.. cute coffee shops.. nice food..but then I don't why I don't like it very much..
8. Nepal: I love Pokhara.. actually road drive between Kathmandu and Pokhara. I will never forget it. Beautiful. Although Kathmandu didn't attract me much. People were just ok.
9. Cambodia: I have some nice memories staying with an Airbnb family..opened me up.. a white guy living with local who has a child from other local (who is not living with them)..their son was full of love.. it made me think I should adopt children from cambodia..they are so cute..
10. Australia: It is the most scenic place I have ever seen. Unfortunately, I didn't go in summer to see many many stars. Passing by a lot of wineries and simply stopping the car in the forest to watch Koala bears was a priceless experience. Great ocean road trip and first time watching penguins, in fact, a lot of animals is something I cherish.
11.  Japan: This was our most waited trip in 2018 and we went for ten days..covered Tokyo, Kyoto, Hiroshima, Osaka and all the way north to Iwate. I had a killer plan just because they had Shinkansen -  World fastest train. From one end to another end of Japan it took a couple of hours..so why stop at one place. Japan countryside is our favorite. We ate chickens satay and cheese rice in a small village, went to Onsen, met some really kind old Airbnb couple who I really call couple goals.
12. US: Went there multiple times and wonder how time passes by.. mainly because of Swetha and her friends. They all keep us entertained and feed us like babies. I would go there anytime.
13. Dubai: Don't ask me more, I hate this country the most. Lacks soul, there is visible slavery and finally, it is plastic without trees.
14. Srilanka: After, Bali Srilanka is my second favorite holiday..went there a couple of times and always fell in love to see how untouched some places are. I love their food.
15. England: Most impromptu trip ever after watching a tv show and that too with my sister. Covered so many village stays and stayed in the best Airbnb's ever. Did antique shopping. York is my favorite in England. My dream to stay in a house where they produce and sell country flowers was easily fulfilled there.
16. Scotland: Short 2 days in Scotland Edinburgh but can't stop thinking of that dreamy town. I can't believe it is real. England and Scotland's trips are special because of Swetha with me.
17. Maldives: Beautiful beaches and starry nights are favorites. Chased Manta Ray fish and saw how dead sea was inside...

I think I want to keep a small record here.. 17 countries in 5 yrs time are quite huge for me...but I learned I love traveling a lot...it is something that can keep me super motivated and excited to work at the office.

For a while maybe I am not going to travel..but when I can I want to go to some places in India (Kashmir, Kochi(from there to Madurai)) and some parts of Kerala,  New Zealand, Turkey, Egypt, Ireland, Iceland, Venice, Bhutan are on my list.. :)

Below is the pic from my most recent UK trip.. me, Suche (my friend for the last 12yrs) and Swetha

Hello 2019! We have come long way

సముద్రానికి చాల దగ్గరగ ఉండటం అంత సులువు కాదు...
అలలు మనసును చిత్తు చిత్తు చెస్థాయని అనిపిస్థుంది..
సముద్రం నిషబ్దంగ ఉంటె మనసు షొరు పెరిగినట్టు ఉంది..
నెను వెల్లె బోటు సగం సమయం పడిపొతదెమొ అని అలొచిస్తె,
మరొ సగం ఇలాగీ సముద్రం లొ ఎంత దాక వెళ్ళొచ్చు...
కొన్ని ఎళ్ళు ఇలా వెల్ఠె ఎలా ఉంటుంది జీవితం
మనిషి మారిపొతాడు కదా అంత సమయం లొ?
ఒక ప్రశ్న...
ఒక సంవత్సరం ఒక మనిషి అన్ని వదిలి ప్రయానిస్థె.. మారిపొతడా?
నాకు తెలిసిన సమధానం.. మారిపొరు అని..మారాలంటె అంత సులువు కాదు అని...
అలా మారిపొవాలంటె వాళ్ళ జీవితం లొ ఉన్న కొన్ని ప్రశ్నలకు ఊహించని సమాధానం దొరకాలి...
ఉదాహరనకు
నెను దెవున్ని గుడ్డిగ నమ్ముతాను అంటె..
ఒక సంవత్సరం

చాల దేశాలు తిరిగాక 

వాళ్ళ నమ్మకాలు చూసాక నేను దేవున్ని గుడ్డిగ నమ్మనవసరం లేదు అని తెలుసుకుంటే అది మార్పు...

ఒక మనిషి ఇలాంటి ఆలొచనలు ఏవి లెకుండ, జీవితంలొ ఉన్న ముఖ్యమయిన సంధేహాలు ముందుగానె తెలుసుకుంటె.. వాళ్ళు ఎంత కొత్త ప్రదెశానికి వెళ్ళిన మారరు..

నా చిన్నపుడు అంటే డిగ్రీ నుంచి మాస్టర్స్ కి వెళ్ళినపుడు.. మా చిన్న ఊరు నుంచి పెద్ధ సిటి కి వెళ్ళినపుడు...
నేను చాల మారిపొయాను.. కాని ఎవరైనా మారావు అంటె అసలు ఒప్పుకునేదాన్ని కాదు.. మార్పు చెడ్డది అనుకునేదాన్ని.. 
కాని..చిన్న ఊర్లూ ఎన్నొ అంక్శలు ఉంటాయి..
అబ్బాయిలతో మట్లాడకూడదు...ఇలాంటి అలాంటి బట్టలు వేస్కొకూడదు..

వెరే అబ్బాయి పక్కన నడవకూడదు...బయటకు ఒంటరిగా వెళ్ళకుడదు...ఇంకా ఎవేవొ.. ఒక్కసారి సిటి కి వచ్చాక అందరూ ఇవ్వనీ నార్మల్ గా తీసుకుంటారు..ఊర్లొ మత్రమే ఇవి చాల సిరియస్ గా తీసుకుంటారు అని తెలిసాక.. మనసులొ పెద్ద కాంఫ్లిఖ్ఖ్ట్.. ఏది కర్రెక్ట అని

చాల నటించాల్సి వచ్చింది ఆ వయసులో.. ఊర్లొ వాళ్ళకు అనుకువగా ఉంటూ..సిటి లొ సిటి లొలా ఉంటు..

చాలా కాంఫ్లిఖ్ఖ్ట్.

రియలిస్టిక్ పాత్ చూస్ చెస్కున్నాను అపుడు చాల డిఫికల్ట్ ఉన్నాకాని.... అదే పాత్ లొ ఉన్నాను అప్పటినుంచి.. ఇపుడు మెజర్ చైంజ్ అయ్యే స్కోప్ లెదనిపిస్థుంది...

కాస్ట్ అఫ్ దట్ చైంజ్ వంచె వాజ్ ఎ రిలెషన్షిప్

ఇపుడు సిళ్ళిగా అనిపిస్థుంది ఇలాంటివి.. ఎవరికైన చెబితె నమ్మలేరు..

ఒక్కొసారి కొంచం బాదెస్థుంది.. ఎంటబ్బా నా ల్యైఫె లొ అంత పెద్ద చైంజ్ఆ ఏజ్ లొ జరగాలా అని..

ఎపుడొ ఒకసారి ఎలగైనా ఆ మార్పు వచ్చెది..

big dreams..at least they were considered big back then..I would have realized what is normal and what is abnormal sooner or later.. and all my thoughts were normal actually..

15yrs back matter...

still fresh in mind..still leads to serious thoughts lot of times..still makes me emotional..

life until 25yrs felt like so precious...then, later on, felt maybe not so precious..it is supposed to be normal

2019 also may be a normal year

I want to write a lot in this blog in this year... importantly those things that I always wonder "if I can write or not"..

మన మధ్య దూరం

మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక తలపు

మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక ఆవేధన
మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక ఆకాశం
మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక నవ్వు
మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక చిలిపి క్షణం
మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక చూపు  
మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక స్పర్శ
మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక ఊపిరి
మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక జ్ఞాపకం
మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక పాట
మన మధ్య దూరం ఒక సుధీర్గ మౌనం

My little fish

A constant question I have is what is love?
Many times I conclude, maybe this is love and then I forget about it.
And what is home?
I think we all get confused about these things, maybe it is better not to define them.

A twinkle in your eyes
That is all I remember over the years
How different are we.. so different...
More and more I know about me, more and more I know about you..
Thump in the heart, what is that feeling..thick and deep


Did you see pictures of Hiroshima bomb impact?
When it was dropped there was a circular wave of destruction
If the feelings are also that way, are they going to reach so far to you from my heart's wave
Are they destructive? Yes they are

We travel far far lands
When I mean we the memories
We take them all everywhere we travel
How far you want to come?

Quiet mornings
Quiet noon
Quiet nights
Quiet moons
Like flowers in a meadow, we talk when the wind blows..

Caeser and Cleopatra!

After postponing series of tasks since morning at work
Being zero productive entire day (not totally zero though)
I pushed my tasks to 4pm in evening and it is 4.30pm, I haven't started the work I need to deliver by today 6pm nor I have any intentions to start them in next one hour. Sharp at 6pm, my legs just like my stomach works on time to leave office and reach home, although there is nothing much I do after going home. Just throw my bag on an unwanted green sofa and then lie down on another giant sofa, without switching on tv and just get lost in my world. This is the time I cannot remember anything, no office work, nor any family. I only can think of dinner. I run around the kitchen to find anything really unhealthy and most of the time I can't find any, as I don't buy them. It is bloody mind game I play on myself. Sad then, I call my husband, with a bit of nice voice, asking when he would come and where he will take me for dinner. If things don't go as I expected, I turn hangry. Somehow I fix my hunger and then watch television forcefully and exactly when I am sleepy I remember the work that I didn't start at 4pm today. With sleepy eyes, I open my laptop and just figure out things in that one hour time and go to bed.
So what do I do at work? On such days?
Today I read about Caeser for an hour
And I read somewhere he was in a relationship with Cleopatra
Then I read about her
And then I sat and wondered for more than 30 minutes at my desk, what would have happened between them. Such famous people, both of them in one room (I am not talking about sex stuff, I thought about that for a minute though), but just in general what do two most famous people do when they are together..I mean in one room.

Now I went and googled my last sentence of above paragraph.
I found that Aristotle was a teacher for Alexander the great when he was a child. Imagining they both in one room, probably he was just teaching normal stuff..ahh I really don't think so. He wouldn't be called Alexander the great by learning normal stuff.

And now coming back, I stopped searching and sat for a while and thought about how they teach social studies back in school. How bullshit it was! Why didn't they ever tell such juicy stories like who had the relationship with him? I spent so much time searching this stuff and feel like the genius (not a new feeling!).

I am turning slowly against classroom studies and one should just rely on google for everything. I wonder sometimes, should I buy all my school books and go through the syllabus and study one by one lesson. I think that is not necessary, there is no order to learn new things, no need of syllabus, just curious mind is enough.

Below picture is not actually of Cleopatra. But when I google there are so many pictures, many from movies and whatnot. I picked this one as she is closest to my imagination of Cleopatra. History says she is cunning, but I think she knows what she wants and how to get it.

Old Thunders!

Sometimes heart can beat like a thunder to meet someone you love
Heart is a child always
Sometimes mind speaks to us louder and louder repeatedly
We need to listen to it
As people grow, heart often reminds you thunders and mind doesn't remind us much about the decisions made..
World might say put your heart over mind
I believed in my life to put my mind over heart when I have to make tough choices
I blamed situations in life would have made me do that, but why blame them, when life is good!
My parents always chosen to live with their heart, as I said heart is always a child, innocent, clean,  loving, also short lived.
At time I wonder what is the need for living long, unless I can go to Mars or drive straight into sky in a car for a joy ride.
Jokes apart, I don't see a reason for anyone of them in this world to live long. People say we do something for next generation, we create histories, we bring peace, blah blah. I think some day everything is useless.
Valentines day were so special back in college, now when I think of those days I vaguely recollect I was shy to go to college on that day, just imagining someone might propose to me. Actually that never happened. I tried so hard this morning to think if I can recall any moment or incident of any valentines day, I cant recall any, it is so weird and I claim always my memory is amazing. Probably Valentines day was never too important.
Going back to India today
Again I feel anxious each time before going to India... emotions trigger all the time and I always say to myself if I can handle them all. I think I am trying my best to learn and control all the emotions.
I have some guilt stuff going on at work lately..if I dont complete any task on time, rather than feeling anxious I feel guilt. Its weird anyways, I need to come out of that pretty shell of not working in guilt.

And here is a poem I once write in India for a small competition at work during Valentines day.

"I sit silently today at office desk,
You came creeping softly on my mind
Your seed in my mind have grown into a plant..
I am thinking like a silent well today..so still !
My thoughts are unnecessary words..
They are like drops falling from a old unused wooden roof...
Silently falling over...
I am growing your plant in my mind with that water of silence..
You know..
Today it gave a flower of love
and
You came creeping softly in my mind !"

And my new painting below..yayy.. I should paint more..

Can someone take care of me.. I mean literally with everything!

I literally feel this way many times in a week.. especially morning and evening just before going to office and immediately after coming back from office.

Without a doubt I was a pampered kid. I should use the word pampered adult as my mother pampered us as long as she was alive and I was also always surrounded by people who cared and gave me things even before I asked.

So now all those things are no more there and I struggle on a daily basis for things like..

Wish I had some one to feed me once I am back from office...

Wish someone had taken care of my hair, oil them, wash them, tie them 

Wish someone can fold those sarees I opened out of enthusiasm and do not want to fold

I recently blamed any health concern I have after my parents left was all because of excess pampering.. I dont know to take care of me. I dont give myself nutritious food, I just eat whatever is convenient and not what is healthy..

I still manage with life even this way.. maybe most of us do..

I know to live independently like a modern woman but I dont know to live well, I only know to manage somehow..there is so much difference I guess.

I recently came across something called “village tourism promotor”.. can you believe how nice it would be as a job title. That I call a real job title. I am keen on making our village a touristic place.. not just our village surrounding places as well. Looking back at my few years of work experience.. I believe the most passionate things I did ever were looking at Airbnb website and travelling around Asia.  

My learning are more towards tourism industry and every time I see something around our village I just think.. wow!..people around the world would love to see this... we have rich culture at every corner of India.. what if my village is hottest place, it is muddy, it has no beach blah blah.. we still have beautiful farms, rivers, warm people, amazing food, historic temples.. and traditional houses.. 

I sometimes imagine, some foreigner travelling in our village and somewhere a small boy in village suddenly dreaming to go to far lands and doing great things in his life.. just doing that for one boy or one girl is an achievement itself.

There is a lot of awareness that villagers still need. some of the key things I would always think of brining awareness are they dont have to take antibiotics each time they get cold, also they should know that they can cause resistance. Women being aware that if there is some small problem in uterus they dont have to remove uterus, the rate of uterus removal in rural areas for small issues is so high. 

Anyway coming back to real life and all the dreams keep lingering in head...

Goodnight